Author: the outside lane

Happy. That about covers it.
Hoo, relationships

A Mighty Hunter is Our Dog

the outside lane

Somehow or other, the Hooberry caught a bird over the weekend.  I know he caught a bird because he laid its headless body at the doorstep and danced around and around it to show me what he had done.  Our mighty hunter, showing his love and devotion to us by giving us the best meat on his kill.  I haven’t been so simultaneously grossed out and in love since the time infant-Thor pooped into the palm of my hand after days of constipation.

I get dry heaves thinking about either.

But, Hoo’s gift made me think about all those love languages again.  I like to think I am not a Gifts person because it seems so materialistic and twee to be a Gifts person.  I want to be something cool and selfless like an Acts of Service person.  Alas. 

Whenever I go somewhere, be it Target or Del Taco, my first thought is, “What can I get [insert name]?”  Not because I think [insert name] needs anything, but just because I love him/her/it and want him/her/it to know I am thinking of them.  Usually, that person is Thor, and he’s easy.  I can buy him a stick of gum and he feels pleased.

I really have to fight the urge–and I mean really fight the urge, you have no idea how difficult this is for me–not to just buy random things for other people all the time.  I feel a swell of fondness, and my answering nature is to buy something.  Cake pops at Starbucks, Carmelo bars at the gas station, post-it notes at the grocery store, $1 bin items at Target, rawhide bones.

You’d only have to know my husband a day to understand why my GiftsGiftsGifts personality could get wearing.  So, I quit trying to buy him presents, and just limit myself to grabbing him a Milky Way dark chocolate bar now and then, instead.

But I get it honestly.  My mother brings random, sometimes useless gifts home for my family all the time.  My grandmother did, too.  I don’t know how many little crystal boxes I ended up with because my grandmother saw one for 25 cents and decided I needed it.  When it wasn’t things, it was food.  Krystal burgers, to be exact.  It is one of my happiest memories, remembering the look that would fall across her face watching me eat a Krystal burger.  I think I ate them more to see her look happy, than because I liked them.  (I don’t like them.  I eat them only out of nostalgia now, and they never taste as good as they did–and they were barely edible then.)

My mother watches Thor that way.  I suppose I do, too. 

He told me, last night, “I love you too much, Mama.  I just think you are perfect, and nothing could make you better, and I want to hug you so hard because I love you, too much.”  I’m thinking my boy is a Words of Affirmation type.

It’s cute that I ended up with a Gifts dog.  At least someone in my family will understand my language!  I just wish he’d learn to shop.

 

Uncategorized

Watch This Space

the outside lane

After 2.5 weeks of what amounts to full press work for me, I am back to my natural state of needing a nap.  Granted, for those 2.5 weeks I was only getting about 2 hours of sleep each night, and was burning the brain candle down to nothing.  But that’s me.  I have two speeds: Full on, and needing a nap. 

Because I need a nap, instead of writing anything new, I’ve been going back over things written in 2008.  You know what I love?  I love when I can pick something up, having forgotten it was written in the first place, and get lost in the story, get tickled by the storytelling, and find myself tearing up or laughing in the right places.  I love when enough time has passed that I can read like a Reader, and not The Writer.  I’m a hard sell, and I’m a harder sell when it’s my own work–just ask poor, long-suffering Nicole about that one–so that feels really good.  I love when characters resonate and stand up to a 5 year lull in the conversation.

I do forget a lot of what I write.  Once it’s from my brain to my fingers, it’s gone.  This is why I have to keep actual notes of character names, ages, and little relationship trees so that I don’t have to go back through a document trying to find out what Lloyd’s last name was, or if Sparky was married to Bubba or Nimrod.  Or spelling, I have to keep notes about how names are spelled.

Anyway, you won’t see as many posts from me for a while because I’m working on submissions.  I will keep you posted.  Watch this space.

movies, Reviews

DVD Review: He Might Not Be Into You, But I Was Totally Into the Movie

the outside lane

I think Ginnifer Goodwin is one of the most adorable actresses around, so when I remembered she was in He’s Just Not That Into You, I got it.  B (because he happened to be sitting in the living room at the time) and I watched it last week.  You know what?  It wasn’t half bad.  It wasn’t great, but it would make perfect in-flight entertainment. 

HJNIY, based on a self-help book for women, follows 5 women through various stages of relationships.  Goodwin plays “Gigi”, a young woman who is looking for love.  Her in-a-bad-marriage-with-Bradley-Cooper (“Ben”) sister, “Janine”, is played by Jennifer Connelly.  Jennifer Anniston (how did these women keep each other straight on the set?) is “Beth”, who wants desperately to be married to “Neil” (a/k/a Ben Affleck) her live-in boyfriend of 7 years–he does not want to get married. 

Scarlett Johansson is “Anna”, a libidinous yoga teacher who is using Kevin Connolly’s “Conor” for validation, while striving to get into Bradley Cooper’s married pants.  Her friend “Mary”, played by Drew Barrymore, is a single, lamenting how the internet has taken over dating.

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl* of the film is Justin Long (the Mac guy), who plays “Alex”.  Alex is  the love guru who takes Gigi under his wing to explain how she can tell when a guy Just Isn’t That Into Her.

The cast is great, and is what saves this from being a terrible movie.  There isn’t much of a plot, and most of the characters are difficult to like.  By the end, B had said, “I hate him/her,” about every one of them, save Mary, Beth and Neil.  I had to fully agree, though I couldn’t quite bring myself to hate Gigi because…I’ve been Gigi.

I’ve been Gigi and I’ve been Mary.  I’ve been friends with Anna, Mary, Janine, and Beth.  I saw a lot of familiar “faces” in this movie.

Cutting to the chase, there is this scene where Gigi has misunderstood Alex’s invitation to a party, and where she further misunderstands his request for her to help him keep the party food bowls filled up.  Thinking she is there as his date, she gets excited that she has been upgraded from “date” to “hostess”, and she starts working that room like she’s Caroline Astor.  The girl even cleans up the place while Alex and a leggy model play video games.

She’s starting to clue in, you can tell–great acting from Goodwin here–but she’s not quite ready to admit that she’s been an absolute fool, so she flings herself at the passive aggressive Alex, forcing him to be blunt: He’s not into her that way.

I don’t know who was following me around that NYE party in 1991, but it was exceedingly cruel of you to put my foibles on the big screen.  Especially considering I am not getting paid for it.  Because that exact thing?  That EXACT thing?  I hate so much to tell you that I’ve been there.  I mean, right down to some of the dialog, I have been there.  Poor Gigi! 

I didn’t make the same scene Gigi does, but I did storm out in a fit of pique.  I also ended up with a very similar result to hers–I’m guessing the way her story played out is that she and Alex dated off and on for a long time.  I am guessing that his interest always held just long enough for her to trust him and love him back, then it would wane.  Each time she threw up her hands and said, “You know what?  Never mind,” he would suddenly be interested again.  But, after a couple of years of this, Gigi probably ended up with a massive crush on some other emotionally unavailable weirdo in closer proximity, and transferred her obsessive neediness onto him. 

Hopefully, Gigi had similar life epiphanies to mine, got herself straightened out and married a nice guy.  A nice guy who will watch chick flicks with her and not notice when she is cringing with embarrassment that exists on a cellular level when they watch this particular movie.

The other situation I found hitting way too close to home was a conversation between Mary and Anna, where Mary haltingly–out of love for her friend–finds a way to excuse her friend’s behavior.  There is this moment between Mary’s hearing the problem with the situation, and her reasoning her friend out of condemnation and judgment and the look on Drew Barrymore’s face is…perfect.  She played that perfectly.  Her tone.  Her cadence.  Her willingness to bend the rules for a friend she loves.  Perfection. 

There were several points throughout the movie where I found myself consciously thinking what fantastic acting choices the players were making.  Not in a negative way.  Not like I was taken out of the scene by obvious acting, but because the delivery was so spot on real-live-human-being that I had to stop, drop, and give prop.  There were some impressive deliveries, especially from Goodwin, Barrymore, and Affleck.

I give this a very, if uncomfortably entertaining 3.75 out of 5 stars. 

Where were the 1.25 stars lost?  Jennifer Connelly was terrible.  I don’t know if it was because her character was so unsympathetic, or if it was that her eyebrows were so unsettling, or if she wasn’t feeling well, but her performance just wasn’t there.  I don’t think Bradley Cooper can act to begin with, and I don’t find him as pretty as some do, so he couldn’t save the storyline of the love triangle between him, Connelly and ScarJo from being just gross and sad.  Ever think you’d see “gross and sad” and “ScarJo” in the same sentence?

ScarJo’s character was gross and sad.  I took away .25 stars just because she made me feel so icky.

By the by, I told B never to cheat on me, but especially never to cheat on me with ScarJo.  He asked what was wrong with ScarJo?  I said, “Absolutely nothing, and that is the problem.”  Not even my self-esteem would recover from that one.

*Gigi is what happens when a girl TRIES to be the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and don’t I know that.  Jeez.  That was painful to watch.

A Day in the Life

When Cartoons Attack

the outside lane

We went to one of our favorite restaurants for lunch yesterday, and before drinks were even served, I heard a voice I recognized.  The hair went up on the back of my neck, and my skin started to crawl. 

I tried to pretend I didn’t hear it.  When that didn’t work, I tried to pretend it didn’t matter that I could hear it.  When that didn’t work, I looked at B and hissed, “If I wanted to listen to effing Dora the Explorer, I would go home and turn on television.”

Every parent has at least one show that just makes you want to jab a Q-tip so deeply into your ears that you never have to hear its theme song again.  Dora is mine, mainly because DORA SHOUTS EVERY WORD SHE SAYS! AND EVERY SENTENCE ENDS IN AN EXCLAMATION POINT!  AND IF THE SHOUTING AND EXCLAIMING ISN’T BAD ENOUGH! EVERY EPISODE IS A SOLID BLOCK OF REPETITION–SHOUTING AND EXCLAIMING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

I did my best not to shoot nasty looks at the parents who were sitting diagonal to us, who had placed an iPad in front of their toddler with Dora going at full volume.  On the one hand, yes, the child was entertained so they weren’t worried about her making a fuss.  On the other hand, DORA THE EXPLORER AT FULL VOLUME IS WORSE THAN A CRYING CHILD!

I have nothing against using electronic devices to distract and entertain–I have been known to hand over the smart phone to keep my own child distracted in certain situations–but there is an etiquette to be followed.  Low to no volume is required in public.  Or headphones.  Because we’re all paying to enjoy an expected environment.  Expectation of atmosphere is part of why you patronize a business, and if I know Dora is part of the equation, I’m not going there.

I’d rather hear a kid scream.

What’s the kid’s show that makes your ears bleed?

 

books, Reviews

A Book Review: HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHA–uh–HAHAH!

the outside lane

“My point is that I may not know that Des Moines is the capital of Iowa without Googling it first, but I’m skealthy [a coined term meaning skinny & healthy]and I feel great, and accoding to the people who hire me to model their clothes, I look pretty good, too.”

Sarah Deanna, from Supermodel YOU

I love Amanda deCadanet’s show The Conversation.  I’ve learned a few good things from talks she’s had with her guests, and when she had Sarah Deanna on, I was intrigued by Deanna’s background.  I am a sucker for a good overcomer story, and Deanna’s poverty-to-business-school-to-runway-model tale fit the bill.  Thinking I’d learn a little bit more about that, I bought her book Supermodel YOU.  Amanda owes me some money.

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for weeks, but I had to wait until I could a) quit laughing, b) quit giving myself whiplash from shaking my head, c) muffle my inner mean girl.  Yesterday, I realized I was never going to get to that point, so here it is.

This book is ludicrious.  It is hilariously misguided, terribly written, and just…awful.  But don’t let me tell you.  Let me just drop some choice quotes.

“Your days of making excuses are over–[models] don’t sit around making a million excuses for why we’re not at the weight we want to be.  You’d never hear Heidi Cklum or any other model mommy complaining about how she can’t lose the baby weight.  Heidi Klum doesn’t make excuses, because ther are none!”

“There are other reasons why models maintain a lower body weight than the normal population, and they tend to be reason taht result from healthy behaviors, not unhealthy ones.”

“I don’t have thunder thighs anymore because I took control of my genes and changed my environment and habits and my life.”  (Deanna talks about how she is 5’10” and weighs 117lbs, and earlier writes of how she was asked to lose 20lbs to start modeling.  So, at 5’10” and 137lbs, she was calling herself overweight, and saying she had thunder thighs.)

“The models I know get most of their exercise by going dancing, shopping, or just running around on the job.  The trick is that they think they are getting enough exercise.”

“Most models don’t drink a lot either.”  Excuse me while I stop laughing again.

To be skealthy, you need the 5 Keys, which are:  Self Awareness, Beauty Sleep, De-Stressing, Modercizing (the model version of exercise, which is just natural movement, and not movement for the sake of exercising–sweet lord), and Intuitive Eating (if it makes you feel good, eat it.  if it makes you feel bad, don’t eat it.  Also, you should “think about howyou look when you eat, you might just change your style.”)

So, forget your overactive thyroid, or your medication, or the fact that you have a metabolism.  If you will just love yourself, get lots of massages, take naps, never go to the gym, and sit in front of a mirror while you eat (yes, that advice is in there) you will no longer be overweight, but you will become magically skealthy.

I can’t.  I can’t.  This book.

According to this book, I should weigh about 4lbs because I LOVE myself, and naps, and massages, haven’t been to the gym in months, and only eat things that make me feel good.  Like the pancakes I had for lunch.  Only, pancakes aren’t allowed because they aren’t organic.

I hate to criticize because Deanna seemed like such a sweetheart on The Conversation, and she is so peppy and earnest in her writing.  She’s that sweet cheerleader who is telling you that you don’t have to be Dumptruck Martha anymore!  Just, like, you know, be magical!  Totally!  Yeah! 

God bless her.  At one point she pleads for someone to give her an honorary biochemistry degree after delighting that she verified her theorem of how everyone should eat by watching the cast and crew over an extended Stella McCartney fashion shoot.

I just can’t.  I’m laughing again.

1 out of 5 stars.

(It gets the 1 star because it made me laugh so much, and I love to laugh.)