Category: 2the9s

2the9s, Beauty

And Now, for a Product Post

the outside lane

I was bemused and skeptical when my mom showed up with a gift bag full of skin care products a few months ago.  I was also happy because I had run out of Oil of Olay, and lord knows I’m too cheap to buy real moisturizer.  I started using the products she had found on HSN, and I’ve been pleased enough that I’m looking at the dwindling supply thinking, “I’m actually going to have to buy more of this–it works.”

The Signature Club A skin care gift set that my mom gave me.

 

The product I like best is the Rapid Transport C Infused High Potent-C Anti-Wrinkle Capsules.  Those little gold capsules you see in the picture up there.  You twist off a piece of the capsule, squirt out a pea-sized dollop of moisturizer, and rub it in.  It feels like velvet on your skin.  Velvet.  It is glorious.

But even better than those, are the Signature Club A by Adrienne Precious Argan Oil Ayurveda Night Cream Skin Balancing Capsules.  They are blue capsules, and they leave your skin feeling like–what feels better than really plush velvet?  Whatever that is, these leave your skin feeling that way.

Mom also brought me some Signature Club A by Adrienne Precious Moroccan Argan Oil Neck Specific Tighten & Uplift with Bao, painful to my vanity (when your mother brings you neck tightening cream…) but truly can’t get enough of this stuff.  This I will replenish, too.

I’m still washing my face with Aveeno Foaming Cleanser because I love it.

The latest rundown of my makeup wardrobe goes like this:

  1. Moisturizer
  2. Too Faced Primed and Poreless over my t-zone and chin
  3. Too Faced Amazing SPF 15 Foundation Powder
  4. Urban Decay eyeliner in Corrupt as an eyeliner base and smudged into my lid crease
  5. A Maybelline shadow duo Indian Summer
  6. Urban Decay waterproof liquid liner in Perversion
  7. Rimmel Scandal Eyes Lycra Flex Mascara (I’ve just started using this–jury is still out on how well I like it.)
  8. Too Faced eyebrow pencil in Blonde-y
  9. Maybelline Dream Bouncy Blush
  10. A discontinued MAC lipstick in Skew.  I love this color.

You put all that together (minus the lipstick) and you get this:

I really love the Urban Decay liners. They wear FOREVER and don’t smear. Jury is still out on the Rimmel mascara, but I swear by all my Too Faced products.  I have posed, here, to hide my neck.  I fear I am genetically predisposed to a massive wattle.

 

2the9s, Style

Mixing It Up

the outside lane

Want to see what I am wearing today?

Stars and Stripes. I am almost obsessively into mixed prints right now.  And yes, that is a maternity skirt, but NO, I am not maternitized.

Let’s talk clothes.

I’ve been mixing prints for a while now.  I grew up in a world where you wore print as an accent, and always with a solid, never mixing stripes with dots, or plaid with florals, but I think all those cute little, mixed-print dresses you see in the Zulilly type ads for girls seeped into my brain and suddenly, I find myself actively seeking prints to mix.

I mixed Thor’s prints at my cousin’s wedding a few years ago, and I was inordinately proud of myself for having done. Plaids and stripes–see his little collar and sleeve cuffs? So GQ. I just wanted an excuse to post this picture because it is a favorite of mine.

For me, the trick to mixing prints is color and size of print.  Your colors have to match or blend impeccably, and your prints need to be of very different sizes.  For example, I wouldn’t match a big floral to a big plaid.  I would match a tiny floral to a big plaid, or a big floral to a tiny plaid.  I probably wouldn’t match florals and plaids at all, actually, unless I was using the floral as an accent on the plaid.  I could see a floral necktie, or waistband/belt on a plaid jumper dress, but not a floral top with a plaid skirt.  Chloe Sevigny?  She can see that, and it looks good on her.  Not on me.

The other night, to the play, I wore a mixed-stripe cardigan over a floral dress.  I liked it.  Thor approved of it.  It certainly got some looks.  Whether or not other people liked looking at it is up for grabs, but I was happy wearing it, and that’s really what matters. 

Wide and narrow stripes with a tight floral. It made me happy.

Fit, when you’re wearing prints, is also very important.  If it is a rosebud, you don’t want it stretched out to the point it looks more like a carnation.  (I used to have this glorious gored skirt–it was white with huge pink rosebuds on it.  Apropos of nothing, other than that I love rosebud prints.)  Now, I am not one of those “never wear horizontal stripes unless you are thin” people, however I am a “wear white whenever you want to” person, so take my opinion for what you think it is worth.  If you are going to wear horizontal stripes across your hips, make sure the fabric drapes smoothly from the widest part of your hip, otherwise you can end up looking like you have big rubber bands wrapped around your body. My look, today, comes courtesy of teensy stars and chevron stripes, and the Misses and Maternity section–my skirt is a maternity skirt.  No, I’m not pregnant, I just like some maternity clothes.  I think it is actually a well kept secret that the only difference between maternity pants and skirts, and regular pants and skirts is the waistband, and the ease across the hips and thighs.  There is some cute stuff in the maternity section! Maternity pants/skirts are cut to fit an expanding belly (by offering stretchy, often fold over waistbands–think about your favorite yoga pants), and wider hips and thighs (by offering a more relaxed cut across the bum.) Thus, if you’re looking for a fit that accommodates some junk in the trunk, and you don’t mind a more casual waistband, the maternity section might have something for you.  This is especially true if you aren’t quite big enough to fit well into a Plus Sized cut, but are a skosh too big to be comfortable in a Misses Sized cut. (Now, if someone will just make a button down shirt that fits a big bust without looking like a button down tarp…)

2the9s, Diet, Health

You Look Fat in That Body

the outside lane

I’ve written many, many posts about size and weight. I’ve written many, many posts about diets and fitness.  I’ve gone up and down between 3 sizes for the past four years, seemingly unable to break through the barrier to get down to the Lane Ideal.  Pfft.  Who am I kidding.  I lose interest in it and quit eating according to The Plan(s) and Fitnessing (when they say it is a lifestyle change, they mean it.)  If I stuck to it, I could do it.  I just don’t have the desire.  I know Kate Moss thinks nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but she’s probably never had a Reuben from Schlotzky’s, Paneer Tikka Masala from Hot Breads, or Tacos al Carbon from Rosa’s either.  Those, my friends, those all taste better than a size 2 could ever make me feel.

Last night, I was at an event, standing with a group of people, wearing my new JLo dress with a smart shrug and fantastic jewelry, feeling pretty good if you discount the beads of sweat rolling down my spine in the Texas heat.  My hair was working.  My makeup was working.  I was feeling 100% pulled together.  As I was talking with several of my colleagues, a newcomer sharing in the conversation suddenly halted.  He put his hand on his chest and said, “From the first time I saw you [a month ago at another event], I thought you looked like that singer, Adele.”

I happen to think Adele is really beautiful, so I was opening my mouth to thank him so much, when he put both hands up, kind of moved them up and down indicating my torso and said, “But not because you’re… Uh… I mean to say… I hope that doesn’t offend you!  I don’t want to offend you!”

And then I was confused for a split second until I realized he meant he didn’t want to offend me by saying I reminded him of Adele because we are both blonde, blue-eyed and fat.

Adele at the Grammy’s in 2012. If you put me in those dresses, I would probably fill them out almost exactly as she does.

Of course I wasn’t offended at being compared to Adele, but the looks on the faces around me, and his hand flapping was a little embarrassing.  Was I supposed to have been offended?  Were my hips the elephant in the room?  I know what size I wear (my dress was a 14/16, by the way) and I know what my measurements are.  It isn’t surprising to me that no one confuses me for Katy Perry, who has the hottest body in music right now.

Katy Perry, who, when she is blonde, could be Adele’s conventionally hot sister. She has an amazing figure!

I am not ashamed of how I look.  I also don’t expect anyone to pretend I look like something I’m not.  The other day, I was asked whether I would attend a pool party if invited.  Well, sure!  I love pool parties.  But, the next question came, would you be willing to get into the pool?  Because some girls won’t wear swimsuits in public, you know.

That set me off laughing.  You can look at me in my day clothes and know I’m not going to peel off a fat suit down into a string bikini.  All I’m going to do is put on my old faithful Esther Williams suit and look like a slice of luscious cherry cheesecake, with some dimpled thighs for good measure.

Old faithful. My Esther Williams swimsuit. Photo taken a few years back–same size as I am today, though.

We put way too much weight on size.  Be who you are.  Be proud of who you are.  Don’t wait until you look a certain way to love how you look–or you never will.  Don’t wait until you look a certain way to be proud of yourself–or you never will be.

I’m pretty chuffed to be compared to Adele.  Now, if someone would just tell me my voice was as brilliant!

 
 

2the9s, Advice, Explaining the Strange Behavior, Howling Sea Lane, music, parenting

Do You Think I’m Sexy?

the outside lane

You know I can’t resist a challenge, so when Mommyfriend posted about the Nickelodeon ParentsConnect Sexy Mama Month, I had to step up to collect my (hopefully well-earned) badge, and nominate a few ladies whose sexiness is undeniable.  But first, in the interest of feminism and my own temper, let’s talk about sexy.

I was actually thinking about “sexy” this morning: what constitutes it, what it isn’t, why it is such hard word to use.  The latter was the easiest for me to answer.  Our society pushes the Virgin/Whore dichotomy on women from the earliest ages.  It’s adorable to dress your daughter in Prostitot Chic, but even while she’s bouncing her buttons off to Rhianna’s latest ode to getting the booty, she must be sure to blow the most innocent of kisses, lest you focus on her bare midriff and get the wrong idea.  As a society, we can’t decide if we want women to be independently minded regarding their sexuality, or if we want them to conform to patriarchal  ideals of chastity.  To paraphrase Tom Jones (and you should absolutely do this in any situation even remotely apropos) the ideal is someone you’d like to flaunt AND take to dinner.  Or, to quote Nikki Sixx (all my role models are rock stars),  “A woman should be a lady on your arm and whore behind the door.”

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to attempt to fill all those roles?  And at the right times?  Lord above.  Sexy is a hard word to use because it is a major bitch to fulfill!  Now I won’t win my badge because I cursed.  But according to AskMen.com, men find dirty mouths really sexy, so maybe I’m still in!

What isn’t sexy is a trick question because there is an audience for everything.  Just watch a season of Secret Diary of a Call Girl and you’ll get filled in on folks who fancy sploshing, pony play, toilet bowl licking, and all manner of things you’d need to be either very desperate, or very bored to even imagine in the first place.  Even the star of the show, Billie Piper, is a big question mark.  I know men who find her luscious, and men who find her completely unbelievable as a sex symbol.

What we are told is not sexy is anything that does not conform to the Playboy ideal of big hair, big boobs, and a big Photoshop brush.  If it is obviously over 30 years of age, 130lbs, and/or has hips, throw it back.  We are told that sexy is young, tight, sleek, slightly moist, and ready to say yes to you, and no to everyone else.

What is actually sexy is entirely relative, and is absolutely why I will never try to fight you for your husband.  I find my husband absolutely attractive and very sexy, and I’m so blinded by all things Bryan that no one else even registers–that’s actually true, and possibly embarrassing in its schoolgirl crushiness.  But as Salt-n-Pepa said, “He keeps me on Cloud Nine just like the Temps; He’s not a fake wannabe tryin’ to be a pimp; He dresses like a dapper don, but even in jeans; He’s a God-sent original, the man of my dreams.”*

Sexy is difficult to pin down because it means so many different things to so many different people.  So while some might find the ParentsConnect Sexy Mamas Month icon picture of a thin, mostly naked woman, jumping on a bed sexy, I find the angle of her legs alarming  because that’s not going to be a pretty landing.  I also find it insulting because it insinuates that this is what a “Sexy Mama” looks like.  And while some Sexy Mamas might look like this or better, there are hosts of brilliant and beautiful women who do not find representation here.

But I should get to the question portion of the blog, shouldn’t I?  ParentsConnect asks:

  • What makes you feel sexy?
  • Who’s your sexy mama role model?
  • What’s your best tip to help other moms feel super-confident and sexy?
And The Outside Lane answers:
  1. I feel sexy all damned day long (that’s more dirty talk for the male audience.)  You know why?  Because I feel sexy when I feel powerful, and I feel powerful because of my intelligence, my wit, and my strong legs.  I feel sexy because when I walk, my posture tells you that I am force to be reckoned with, the world is my catwalk, and my theme song is The Imperial March.  When I am strutting across the office, that’s what is playing in my head.  The only times I don’t feel sexy are when I am feeling stupid over a mistake I’ve made, or when I’m bent over the backseat trying to scrub baby vomit out of the floorboard, but even then I’m aware that for some people (like the aforementioned husband) my backside is a major selling point.
  2. My imaginary sexy mama role model is Judy Dench as M in the James Bond series.  She is strong.  She is powerful.  She is a snappy dresser, and she doesn’t have to resort to flirtation to get her way. My reality sexy mama role model is Hilary Clinton.  Our politics differ, but she is strong, she is powerful, she is a snappy dresser, and she doesn’t have to resort to flirtation to get her way.
  3. My best tip to help other mothers feel sexy and confident is this:  Find your strengths and play to them.  Find your weaknesses and make peace with them.  Get yourself a theme song, and then strut because the world is your catwalk, too.
ParentsConnect also wanted to know if there were other Sexy Mamas we wanted to nominate, and why.  Here are a few of mine:
  • Jamie of A Dash of Domestic, who is strong, powerful, a snappy dresser, and who makes managing a home economy look easy.  She is huge-hearted, giving, and does her utmost to mentor her fellow women into more successful lifestyles.  Sharing is sexy.
  • Krista of One & Four, who is strong, powerful, a snappy dresser, and who is one of the best graphic artists I know.  She has battled just about everything life can throw at you with bravery and grace, and is making the world a better place for four very lucky men.
  • Arwen, of ArwenBicknell.com, who is strong, powerful, a snappy dresser, and who makes Having It All look like a piece of cake, even when she’s stuck in traffic for eight hours in a snowstorm.  Actually, Arwen is probably my real Sexy Mama role model.  If I weren’t so lazy, I might have a shot at molding myself in her image, alas.
  • Gina, who doesn’t have an open blog yet, but who should because she is strong, powerful, a snappy dresser, and an example of how Single Parenting is not only just okay, but can produce excellence, intelligence, and massive contribution to society.
  • Irene, who also needs an open blog, though the world might not be ready to laugh that hard.  She is also strong, powerful, and a snappy dresser.
  • As are June, Amy, JulieAnne, Emily (who might just become Thor’s Sexy Mama-in-Law one day) and a score of other women who haven’t taken to the internets yet.
Sexy, to quote Fun Boy Three, ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it.  And that’s what gets results.

So, ParentsConnect, I humbly submit myblogself for your perusal, not unlike one of Littlefinger’s girls in his King’s Landing brothel.  Check me out.  Judge the straightness of my teeth, the curve of my lips, the heft of my–well, let’s not get too close.  We’ve only just met.  But let me know, as Rod Stewart so prophetically asked, “Do ya think I’m sexy?”

*I would have chosen the lyrics in verse 4, but my dad reads this.

2the9s, cosmetics

Makeup Reviews: New-to-Me products I love and one to avoid

the outside lane

You all know how much I love cosmetics (not to be worn all at once like the cheerleaders I saw last night–girls, no) and I am always looking for that perfect piece to add to my collection.  Here are the latest two to make the cut:

First up, Urban Decay’s 24/7 Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner

24/7 Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner in Demolition
24/7 Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner in Demolition

This is great stuff!  I’ve been unhappy with my liquid liners lately (wearing off at the inside corners of my eyes with allergy tears), and I picked this up after drawing on my arm with about ten different colors.  Demolition, the color I chose, is a great shade that skews to what you are wearing with it.  It writes out almost a dark bronze, but it skews to a gunmetal and an olive, making it extremely versatile.  The brush is the perfect size for getting a fine line, and it is truly waterproof.  It wears for better than 12 hours.  I haven’t slept in it, so I don’t know about 24/7, but it definitely made it through a full week of workdays and pollen count weeping.

 

Next is Maybelline’s Superstay 24 Color lipstick.

Superstay 24 Color in All Day Cherry

All Day Cherry was one of those colors I saw on the model and thought, “That is the perfect red.  It will never look that good on me.”  But, I bought it anyway and was over the moon to discover that the color was true to the photograph.  I felt like I was wearing the lipstick equivalent of Ruby Red Slippers on my lips!  My mouth was magical!  There was no place like Sephora!  I mean Home!

I was also skeptical about the claims to how well the lipstick wore.  I’ve been trying the all-day colors since they started hawking them more than ten years ago, and I’ve never found one I thought was worth it.  All Day Cherry is my 4th of the Superstay 24s, and I can vouch for the long wear of each.  I’m pretty much in love with the line, but wasn’t compelled to write until I saw this red and tested it out during a 12 hour day–better actually.  I put it on at 6am and took it off at 7pm.

I am obsessive about how a red lip should look, so I did a touch up application after lunch–just to re-color the inner curve of my lower lip–but other than that, I was very impressed by how this held up.  Even more impressed that my lips never felt really dry.

One thing I tried that I did not like was the Maybelline Volume Express One-by-One mascara.  It’s crummy, crumbly, and flakes into my eyes.  Don’t bother with that one.