Tiara Trouble, writing

CATFIGHT!


I haven’t written any blog posts lately because I am writing a little fiction at the moment.  I am enjoying myself immensely with beauty queens, toddler pageants, and a murder mystery that includes gators, explosions, and a big, ol’ catfight.  I told my friend, Arwen, that I was going for Dynasty in the Dirt with this bit.  And since a good slapfight between Krystal and Alexis is always so satisfying, I am sharing.  Y’all take out your earrings!  It’s gonna get mean up in here!

 

…They leaned close and talked earnestly for a few seconds, then Tishelle froze like she’d heard something and looked around wildly.  It hadn’t really occurred to me that if I could see her, she could probably see me, so when I realized she was looking straight up at me, her almond shaped eyes narrowed on the big end of my opera glasses, I yelped aloud.  I also dropped those glasses and jerked my curtain shut.  I very nearly said something unladylike, but I caught myself.

When I was little, Mother had taught me to consider very carefully whether a situation was worth getting my mouth washed out over.  It stuck with me.  It is on very rare occasion that I let a cuss fly, and I never take the Lord’s name in vain.  I also don’t use slang words like dang, or darn, or shoot, or fudge.  Granny always says, “Never say darn when you mean damn. And never say damn if you’re a lady.”  Mother just says, “I did not raise you with that mouth, but I can bury you with it.  I hear that word one more time, and I will put you down.”  At least, that’s what she says to Rusty.  He’s not too worried about being a lady.

I was trying to decide what to do next, call Sarah, call the Sheriff, or fix myself something to eat, when there came a pounding on my door.  Sure as I was born, Tishelle had shot across the street and run up my stairs and was demanding that I let her in.  And you know what?  She wasn’t even out of breath.  I think I hated her a little bit more for that.  I am in excellent shape, but I can’t sprint and climb and still have enough air in my lungs to cuss a blue streak like she was.  That would not have flown in my mother’s house.

I opened the door a crack and she pushed her way on inside.  “What are you doing spying on me?” She howled, her eyes looking wild.

“What are you doing running around with Karl Pursley?” I demanded right back.  I wanted to keep the focus off me.  She’d already killed twice, maybe.

“That is none of your beeswax,” Tishelle slapped her hands down on her hips, auburn hair swinging around her shoulders.  I hated her a little more for her hair.  I mean, I have good hair.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s thick, and shiny, and a good ash blond which I keep highlighted to perfection, but Tishelle’s hair cascades like a cherry-chocolate fountain, and looks like she’s got enough on her head for three or four other women.

I have to work for my good looks, if you get me.  Without hair and makeup, I could just be another cute cashier down at the Piggly Wiggly.  I have to take time to make myself stand out and be memorable, and that’s probably my greatest talent.  I have a boosted genetic platform to work from, sure, but being able to take what God gave me and make myself look like God’s gift is work.  Tishelle?  That hateful thing?  She’s a natural beauty.

She’s got big, black eyes, long, thick eyelashes, and she doesn’t even need to wear mascara to make them pop.  I’ve seen her straight out of the shower, and she’s every bit as gorgeous.  I hate her for it. 

So, she was standing there, anger making her high cheekbones flush even redder and prettier, and I was still kind of dazed and just staring at her thinking, “This is one of those time when you want to tell someone, ‘Do you know how pretty you are when you’re angry?’”  But I was not about to tell Tishelle Tucker I thought she was pretty.  I’d rather cut out my own tongue.

She finally quit yelling at me—she’d been yelling words, but I hadn’t heard a thing.  I was caught up in my hating how pretty she was.  “What are you gawking at, you moron?” She sniffed at me.  “Are you stupid?  Do you understand English?”

“I am not stupid!” I insisted  After all, I have very solid opinions regarding Libya and our involvement there, now.  “You shouldn’t be up here.  You need to get on home before I call the police.”

“The police?  Why would you call the police?!”

Now I could catch her off guard.  “You know why,” I said. “And you know I know why!”

“I know you need to mind your own damned business!  What’s going on with me and Karl is personal and nothing you need to be sticking your nose in.”

“My nose hasn’t left my house,” I reminded her.  “But yours is sure somewhere it doesn’t belong.  You need to leave, and leave now!”

“I want the memory stick.”

“The what?”

“I saw you taking pictures!  I want you to delete those pictures or give me the memory stick!”

It took me a second, then I laughed right at her.  She thought I was taking pictures of her and Karl.  I guess from so far away, maybe my opera glasses looked like a camera?  I don’t know, but I do know she slapped me right across the face and demanded the non-existent memory stick again.

When she slapped me, it took a full second for me to register what had happened, and then it was all over.  We lunged at each other right at the same time, slapping, and clawing, yanking hair and hissing.  We were still standing in the doorway, so we managed to stumble out, still fighting, spit flying, and we half stumbled, half fell down the stairs to the ground out back of the garage.

It was a pretty evenly matched scrap, if you ask me.  She managed to best me for a second, rolling me on my back, trying to gouge out my eyes.  I got a fistful of hair close to her scalp and tore me out a hank of it, and don’t think that wasn’t a small victory in and of itself.  She howled and punched me in the mouth, but it was enough that I could knock her off me.  We both jumped up and squared off again, but that time, I had the upper hand.  I threw her hair in her face, brought my knee up sharp and nailed her right in the taco.

My knee landed hard enough it knocked the breath out of her, and sent a wave of pain all the way up my thigh.  I’m not sure what would have happened next because Rusty, Daddy, my mother, Karl and Royce had all arrived, and managed to get us apart.  Patricia George stood out front of the studio with Ainsley pressed to her side, one hand covering the little girl’s eyes.  “Well I never,” she huffed.

“Well you ought to,” Tishelle hollered back.

Karl was dragging Tishelle away, and she started to whine and sniff about her hair, and her face—I’d gotten my fingernails full of it—and that imaginary memory stick.  He was trying to comfort and cosset, and I considered telling her I didn’t even have a camera up in my apartment, but I decided to let her twist in the wind.  Anyway, now a bunch of people had seen her with him.

Hoo, Reviews

A Place Review: Muttworks–Yeah, they do!


Muttworks is a nifty little business model that allows people to “detail” their canine friends, like going to a carwash.  You can drop Rover off to be bathed and groomed by professionals, or you can avail yourself of one of the Muttworks self-service stations and scrub him down to your own satisfaction.

I took our mutt, Hoo, to the groomers when we came back from Port Aransas.  They did a great job of shaping up his shaggy bits, and getting the sand burrs out of his beard, but he had some kind of reaction to whatever soap was used and it was dry skin/dandruff city with the poor guy.  Rather than breaking my back trying to take care of business in the backyard, or grodding out the bathtub, I decided to give Muttworks a try.

Hoo and I hopped in the car and headed over on a Saturday.  Now, I like washing dogs.  I think it’s fun, so I was kind of excited to try this out.  Hoo likes baths.  What could go wrong?

If you have a well behaved dog, nothing. 

Muttworks is cleaner than I had expected, had plenty of space for me to work with Hoo, and lived up to their promise to provide all the products and gear I needed to get my pup in prime shape.  Because I was there while the groomers were working, I got a glimpse into how they treated the animals, and I was pleased with what I saw.

 

Hoo in a quiet moment.  He was deciding at which dog to bark.  See how his fur is turning brown?!
Hoo in a quiet moment. He was deciding at which dog to bark. See how his fur is turning brown?!

 

While we were waiting for our tub, Hoo and I sat on the floor, where I could keep better control of him.  Poor, little, ill-behaved monster that he is–professional, in-home training starts Wednesday night.  He was going nuts barking–was just beside himself.  And when the Husky, who was getting her blow out, started to talk back to him…

Listen, when we walked in, Muttworks was quiet and pleasant.  We ruined the atmosphere.  I was that mother in the grocery store with the screaming kid, only my kid had four legs, fur, and wanted to eat you.

Mostly, he looked like this.  An attack muppet.
Mostly, he looked like this. An attack muppet.

For all that, and he barked 80% of the time we were in there, I only got a couple of dirty looks.  The employees were very gracious.

But you want to know about how it all worked.  It worked well!  I got Hoo into a tub, scrubbed him down twice and conditioned him, then helped him onto the grooming table and blew him dry in a quarter of the time it takes with my Conair.  We’d have been finished even faster if he’d cooperated a bit more.

I would definitely go back to Muttworks, but I would try to find a time when there are fewer dogs around.  I’m hoping the training sessions help.  He’s such a barky little guy!

Muttworks gets 4 out of 5 stars from me. 

Why not 5?  Allergies.  I ended up in a snowstorm of Husky fur while that pretty girl was getting her blow out, and I thought my head was going to explode for the rest of the day.  It’s not a place to go if you have any sensitivity at all to dander or fur.  But that’s not something that can be helped. 

 

guest article

Should I Buy This House?


I am in an industry that is heavy on mortgage lending, and the less scrupulous lenders love to corner renters and say, “But you could save so much money if you’d buy!  Interest rates have never been lower, and you’d be building equity!  If you’re paying $1500 to rent, you could be paying $1100 to own!”  It’s hard to say no to an extra $400 in your pocket every month, but before you start down that road, you need to find out if you get to keep that $400.

My sweet friend, Gina, wrote this piece regarding homeownership and I asked if I could repost it here.  I would encourage everyone to read it, especially first time home buyers.  I’ve been through the buying process before, and her words pointed out a thing or two that I hadn’t thought of then, but will definitely consider for later.

Take it away, Gina:

Can I Afford This House? (or Is it the Right Time for Me to Buy?)

I muddled over the idea of buying for many years. I’d always been a renter. I was raised the child of a renter. Owning seemed like something others did. One day it dawned on me that I wanted in on this. I wanted Home Pride, and to own a tiny little piece of something. I watched the market go up up up and then down down down. I really had very little concept (and honestly still get confused on how to figure compounded interest, and wonder exactly what escrow is), but I knew when it hit the lowest that if I was going to dive into this pool, this was the time to do it.

Fortunately by sheer luck I found a very patient, very astute real estate agent. Unfortunately, there was still so much I didn’t understand beyond mortgage payments. Below is a small list of “Should Considers” I wish somebody had written, and then stapled to the front door of the condo I bought. I don’t know with certainty if it would have made a difference, but perhaps my lack of complete understanding will help someone else.

If you are like a portion of the population who has scrimped and saved for years to get that perfect 20% down payment, buying right now, just might be the right answer. You probably will never see interest rates which are reaching down into low 3%’s ever again. The market is a free for all, made for buyers with low cost opportunities in short sales, and foreclosures, as well as bottom of the barrel priced standard sales.

The first question you need to settle is “What can I afford?”.

Generally speaking a mortgage lender will sit down with you, go over your finances, and income and the two of you will come to a conclusion on what is within your range of affordability. Remember, nowadays most lenders do not want to put you into a place you can’t afford, because your failure is their loss.If you’ve rented your entire life, understand a few basics that will increase, or perhaps for the first time become your concern.

New utilities: Generally speaking a renter pays electricity, gas, and cable. Most apartments cover the cost of water, and trash. Some even cover a few of the aforementioned. Maybe you’ve spent a lifetime only paying electricity.

Ask the questions and take a look at if your dryer line or water heater is gas or electric. Who would your ultility company be? Ask neighbors if they can give you a ballpark figure on what the water rates are, because they could differ greatly in your new area. If you’re new to this utility company understand you might get hit with a security deposit as well.

HOA’s or Homeowners Association Dues: Ever drive through some of those affluential neighborhoods with the perfectly manicured hillsides spelling out the community name in plants and hedges? With greenbelts that look like golf courses? Community swimming pools and tennis courts? Wonder how they got there, or are so well taken care? That that would be your neighborhood HOA.

Homeowners associations create and maintain the rules of the complexes, also known as CCR’s. This keeps your shared grasses green, and your homes in uniform colors, Leeping that colorful neighbor of yours from painting his home bright purple. Most all condominiums will request an annual or monthly HOA.

Before falling in love with the house that meets your budget perfectly, check and see if there are HOA’s. Or possibly even two. That city maintained lake, or public looking golf course might just be paid for by the residents of the area. While some cities and communities charge a pittance of $30 per year, some can run as high as $300-$500.00 per month.

Location, location, location: Assuming you are buying your new home as a residence for yourself, location is going to be very important. Living near a high school might seem perfect for getting that tired teen up in the morning – SO CLOSE!, but recall that most high schools have football teams, and most of those teams have home games. Are you going to be okay with the sound of the crowds cheering, or the amplified noise of the half-time band a few Friday’s of the month?

Also, will your new location be closer or further to work? An extra 5 miles each way might seem worth the luxury of your new home, but over a period of only one year that can add up to an additional $10,000.00 in gasoline costs, not to mention the added 2600 miles you place on your car. In some areas, you might have the priviledge of a toll road. Are you willing to budget another 150.00 a month in toll costs?

Private Mortgage What?: If you are not lucky enough to have the 20% down payment, don’t fret. Many lenders will still work with you via programs like FHA, based on 5% of the value of your home. But as the saying goes, you never get something for nothing. The lender needs to insure that they won’t lose their funding in the case of a foreclosure, and this is where private mortgage insurance comes into play.

PMI’s vary based on the amount you put down, but until your home has a 20% stake in it, expect to tack on a few hundred dollars more a month towards your PMI for the first five years.

Homeowners Insurance: Homeowners insurance is relatively low in comparison with the costs of a lot of the above listed. Many wil take a small deposit and bill you monthly for the remainder for six months to a year. Shop smartly for insurance. Many times the company you purchase your car insurance will create a bundle package to get both home and auto under the same umbrella.

Appliances: You’ve bought the new house, and it’s coming together quite well, but perhaps you wanted to upgrade to all stainless steel appliances. Maybe the home came without a stove, or washer-dryer or perhaps you bought a foreclosure “As-Is” and you are responsible for all new lighting fixtures. Maybe you want new dishes to go in your new perfect kitchen. Factor in the cost of your dreams if you are using credit for these purchases. Those new balances on the credit cards can triple quite quickly!

If you use a credit card with an interest free time period, really use that time to pay this down to a zero balance, or you’ll find yourself running in place getting nowhere with future payments.

Owning your first new home is a wonderful and exhilarating thing. Sadly, waking up three months down the road, gulping for air in a panic attack because the abovementioned bills are squeezing you tight, is only going to make you nostalgic for the good old renters days.

Generally speaking if you were living comfortably on your salary before the purchase, but not able to get ahead more than a few months at a time, reconsider your purchase. If you are absolute about the timing being perfect, factor in a smaller dream home, or a slightly less expensive location.

I recall thinking when I was purchasing, that this new home would only run me $100.00 more than my current rent. That’s only 25.00 a week!! I knew if I wasn’t going to jump in the pool now, it would never happen. By absolute chance I came across a very understanding and patient real estate agent, and set about to look for my dream home.

I shopped carefully with my mortgage plan in hand, oooh’d and ahhh’d and grimaced until I found that gem that spoke to me. The price was right, and in fact in the median of my price range — the location was a little further, but it held my heart. What I didn’t factor in were nearly all of the above mentioned, and soon enough I found myself in that panicked drowning state. Ultilities were much higher, I wasn’t aware that my HOA didn’t cover water, and soon found that with my new washer, water wasn’t cheap!

I do rely on the toll roads. That $100.00 increase a month that I budgeted for is closer to $650.00 a month and as imagined a few months later I was starting to feel the pinch.I’ve gotten back on my feet since then, but the learning experience was a big one.

There were some short sighted moments that instead of hanging on, I considered silently slipping away in the dead of the night and letting it be someone else’s problem. I’m glad I stuck it out, but I really would have appreciated knowing thenwhat I know now.

If your rent was 1500.00 look at payments that might be closer to 1100.00including HOA. Understand that you are responsible for fixing, and updating everything confined in those walls. Most of all remember you are going to really have to save for that rainy day now, especially if with the rain, comes a leak!

Beauty, Reviews

Product Review: Nailed It


While the nail salon had the deal running for a $13 gel polish manicure, I was doing really well!  Then, the deal ended and they went up to $30.  I tried another salon, and it was full of children running around, and there is no way I am going back to the happy nail salon where the manicurist cried while she did my pedicure–not my feet’s fault, I promise!  So, when I was in Ulta a few weeks back, I shelled out for the Red Carpet Gel Polish Pro kit.

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I figured it wouldn’t be too difficult to do my own gel polish.  After all, the most important things are to be sure you only get the gel polish on your nail, and not on your finger, and to not look directly into the light.  You start with clean nails, brush on some starter stuff (and try not to spill it all over the floor), then brush on the Structure and bake for 30 seconds, brush on two layers of color and bake for 45 seconds each, then brush on the Brilliance and bake for 45 more seconds.  They call it “curing”.  I call it “baking”.  You rub on the Purify and you’re finished.  If you’re halfway decent at painting your nails, you can be finished in 10 minutes.

Start with clean nails.
Start with clean nails.
Paint, bake, paint bake, paint bake, paint bake and you're finished!
Paint, bake, paint bake, paint bake, paint bake and you’re finished!
And a week later, you still have glossy, pretty fingernails!
And a week later, you still have glossy, pretty fingernails!

I got my kit for $15 less than it is listed on Ulta’s website here, but even if I had paid full price, I think it is worth it.  The kit is very easy to use, the color wears well, and I like the idea of being able to take care of business myself if I chip a nail.

It is very important to buy some orange sticks to go along with this.  When you are painting your nails, use an orange stick to clean any color or base out from between the nail and your fingermeat before you bake.  If you bake the gel to your fingermeat, then it won’t adhere properly to the nail, and it will peel right off.

I give it 5 out of 5 stars.

 

 

 

 

Uncategorized

Ode to Moneypenny


Of all the Bond Girls, Moneypenny was always my favorite.  Long-suffering, administratively excellent, frumpy, pragmatic, saucy and salty Moneypenny.  You could depend on her to be in her seat, doing her job, making the world safer for 00 agents everywhere (and everyone else by proxy), and you could depend on her to flirt shamelessly with James Bond.  And in full knowledge of the flirtation’s futility.

Dr. No (1962)

Miss Moneypenny: James! Where have you been? I’ve been searching all over London for you.
[Picks up phone]
Miss Moneypenny: 007 is here sir.
[Slaps Bond’s hand away from the papers on her desk]
James Bond: Moneypenny! What gives?
Miss Moneypenny: Me, given an ounce of encouragement. You’ve never taken me to dinner looking like this. You’ve never taken me to dinner…
James Bond: I would, you know. Only “M” would have me court-martialed for… illegal use of government property.
Miss Moneypenny: Flattery will get you nowhere – but don’t stop trying.

Lois Maxwell, who originated the character, was not an unattractive woman.  Take a look at her and Honor Blackman, the notoriously well-bedded-by-Bond Pussy Galore, side-by-side from Goldfinger:

Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny, and Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore in Goldfinger.  My two favorite Bond girls, side by side.
Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny, and Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore in Goldfinger. My two favorite Bond girls, side by side.

Not a lot of difference there, but miles of difference in how Bond related to them.

I could always relate to Moneypenny.  I wasn’t ever going to be the girl James Bond went out of his way to wrangle.  I would be the one fetching his coffee and bantering back at him.  It would be okay and friendly because we would both know, though he would be kind about it, that he had absolutely no interest in me (or even recollection of me) once he’d hung his hat and passed by my desk into M’s office, leaving me to daydream over what it might be like to be fancied by the world’s most dangerous spy.  Would I have tapped that given the chance?  Absolutely not.  I’m smarter than that.  And that’s why Bond never would have really given Moneypenny a go.  She was too smart for that.

What I didn’t get as a child was that it was no negative reflection on me that James Bond would have passed me by.  It was all on Bond himself.  Aside from his likely fear of rejection from someone he obviously respected, Bond was too damaged to manage a relationship.  There was always the whisper that Moneypenny was too smart, too professional, and too important for Bond to bring into the vortex of his romantic life.  He didn’t worry about destroying cars, watches, or anything else Q gave him, but you know that Bond would never have intentionally hurt Miss Moneypenny.  Misuse of government property is right.

If Moneypenny had been some little dink secretary, do you really think he’d have given a go a second thought? He bagged less attractive babes.  But Moneypenny was a smart woman with a tongue as sharp as his, and a wit to challenge his best one-liners.  She was one of the only other characters who ever got to give Bond as good as he gave her.

This is why I am so disappointed with the new Moneypenny, who took a desk job because she wasn’t good enough to be in the field.  Real Moneypenny had her job because she earned it–you don’t get to that level chewing gum and missing shots.  Real Moneypenny could match Bond’s wit.  As gorgeous as Naomie Harris is, and she is STUNNING, I will always prefer Lois Maxwell’s guns.

Lois Maxwell's guns vs. Naomie Harris'.  My money is on Real Moneypenny.
Lois Maxwell’s guns vs. Naomie Harris’. My money is on Real Moneypenny.

 

Also, Bond respected Real Moneypenny enough to know her name.

Goldfinger (1964)

James Bond: What do you know about gold, Moneypenny?
Miss Moneypenny: Oh, the only gold I know about is the kind you wear… you know, on the third finger of your left hand?
James Bond: Well, one of these days we really must look into that.
Miss Moneypenny: How about tonight? You’ll come over for dinner…
[playfully tosses Bond’s hat onto the hat rack]
Miss Moneypenny: and I’ll cook you a wonderful angel cake.
James Bond: Well, nothing would give me greater pleasure, but I’m afraid I have a… business appointment.
Miss Moneypenny: [laughing] That’s the flimsiest excuse you’ve ever given me. Oh, well, some girls have all the luck. Who is she, James?
M: [over intercom] “She” is me, Miss Moneypenny. And kindly omit the customary byplay with 007. He’s dining with me and I don’t want him to be late.
Miss Moneypenny: [to Bond] Then there’s hope for me yet.
James Bond: [gives Moneypenny a playful peck on the cheek] Moneypenny, won’t you ever believe me?