Because some things are too funny not to share…

Of course, you have to have been a child who was as invested in writing stories as I was. And I was. I wrote my first fanfiction in early elementary school. It was a crossover between Battlestar Gallactica and Star Blazers. Starbuck (original Starbuck–the male version) was going to marry Trelaina of Star Blazers. I had just read Forever, by Judy Blume, and I made sure to include a blow job. That’s right. I was writing smut as an eight-year-old. My older friend ratted me out, concerned that I might have been heading down (ha-ha, head-ing!) the wrong path, so I kept my fic to myself until junior high, when a friend and I used to write Duran Duran fanfiction back and forth for each other.

You see, I would write out her scenarios with Nick Rhodes, and she would write out my scenarios with everyone else, and sometimes Nick. I was an equal opportunity fan. I have had a crush on every member of that band, for at least five minutes. The Warren crush lasted five minutes. I announced I had it, Kim sent me a picture of him with his hand down his pants, and that was that. I went back to lusting for Billy Bob Thornton, who seemed the cleaner choice.

Most of our fiction was very, very dramatic and usually involved at least one, if not three, near death scenes, and even a gang fight. We were both into Westside Story and The Outsiders. Now try to imagine John Taylor in a gang fight. Now come back to me. Stop laughing.

Oh, and we always wrote ourselves as being 21…because that was OLD and WORLDLY.

Darice, who is going to have to do a WWK Q&A soon, and I were laughing about our fourteen-year-old selves, and I shared the former information with her. Not five minutes later, this is in my mailbox:

LANE: “I’m… dying….” ::coughcough::

JOHN: No! Lane, don’t… you can’t die!

SIMON: We haven’t fulfilled our love yet!

NICK: Well, I did —

SIMON: — you what??

JOHN: But she’s mine!

ANDY: What about me?


LANE: ::coughcough:: now, boys… you mustn’t… fight about me… ::coughcoughLaTraviatacough::

ROGER: Oh, Lane, we’re sorry… at a time like this!

::everyone gathers around Lane’s bed. Except Andy::

LANE: That’s more like it… 😉

It’s as if she had access to my old Composition notebook. And I laughed so hard that B came in and insisted to know what was so funny. I tried to explain that he wouldn’t find it so amusing, and he was very disappointed. But as Darice quoted Jim Morrison, “The men don’t know, but the little girls understand.”

If I were 14 right now, I would probably be writing Beiber fic. He would cut his hair for me, in the only act that could save my life, showing his true love.