Tag: wwk

Women Worth Knowing

Women Worth Knowing: Meet Martha

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Ten years ago, I started reading a little column on MSN.com by Martha Brockenbrough.  The Mommy Chronicles followed her on her journey as a new mother, and from the first read I was a fan.  You see, in the very first article I read Martha’s baby had lost her shoes as they were walking.  Worried about the baby’s tiny feet, Martha contemplated stopping in a bakery to buy warm rolls that would pass for shoes until they got home.  It was exactly the sort of thing my mother would have done.  I was in love.

Soon after, the column turned into a blog and then the blog turned into a book (which I gave to my mother for Mother’s Day one year), and Martha’s fight against bad grammar (through The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar) took up arms with another Brockenbrough penned book.  She currently writes for MSN.com’s, Mom’s Homeroom, for Cozi.com’s, Maybe Means Probably Not, and the Chinook Update.  This means it is easy to get a Martha fix.

Full disclosure:  I don’t know Martha Brockenbrough.  I feel like I do, since I’ve been reading about her life for a decade, but she doesn’t know me from Stalker Stan.  What I know of her, I learned through her writing.  Her writing is warm and witty, kind, practical, and honest like a razor cut.  Do you know what I mean?  It is honesty that cuts right to the heart of the matter, and you laugh for a couple of seconds before saying, “Ouch!  I need to address that!”  In other words, the best kind of honesty.  She is exactly the kind of person I would choose for a friend.

Martha’s writing had a great influence on how I viewed my own pregnancy, and her sense of humor about motherhood and her children have had an impact on my experience.  Sadly, even though I am a member of SPOGG, I still haven’t tamed my comma usage.  I will keep reading her, and hopefully one day I will learn not to write exactly the way I speak.

Meet Martha.

Name: Martha Brockenbrough
Age Range: 40s
Preferred Job Title: writer
Industry: publishing

Describe your family: I have a husband, two daughters, and a dog.

What does the first hour of your day look like?

I’m up each day, usually by 5 a.m. Actually, I’m usually up before then. But when I hear the birds start chirping at 5, I give myself permission to get out of bed and start writing. I put on my grandma robe and a pair of fluffy socks and bask in the unhealthy glow of a computer screen. Truly, though, I love this first hour of the day because there is nothing but potential ahead of me. I am not yet a failure! Yes! And if I have a good writing morning, I can savor that the rest of the day, and possibly lord it over other people that I was working when they were drooling into their pillows. Three mornings a week, I hit an early yoga class after my writing hour. That puts the pressure on, but it also releases it. Isn’t that Zen? (Actually, I don’t really know. I just happen to function better when there is a clock running.)

The last hour?

This is when I read in bed or watch TV next to my husband. When I remember, I also like to put coconut body butter on my heels so that I can fight off joining the tribe of the Lizard People for one more day. Honestly, it’s usually a fight to stay awake, but I do want to have the illusion that some part of my day is purely given to relaxation and/or wondering when Mr. Schuster’s finally gonna get some on Glee. Also, I don’t want to follow a kindergartner’s sleep schedule.

What makes you feel successful?

When I see my kids are happy, when I see that they’re kind to other people, and when I see that they feel some responsibility for the world, I feel successful. And by world, I mean the rain forest, homeless kittens, and other such things. If I defined my sense of success on whether they’d made their beds or done their homework carefully, I would start abusing dark chocolate. Also, it’s also nice to be able to pay the bills on time. I’m proud that I’m able to do that as a writer. If I had a nickel for everyone who told me I wouldn’t be able to, I would also be able to pay my bills on time. That’s a win-win, right?

What brings you joy?

There are so many things. I of course get joy from crafting the perfect sentence. But there’s a lot of baggage that goes with that, too–mostly the fear that the rest of my sentences don’t measure up. So I actually probably get more joy out of little things…watching my kids crack each other up, that feeling you get when you’re eating dinner outside on a perfect summer evening, the satisfaction of tossing the dirty towels into the laundry chute without missing…it’s when stuff is going smoothly that I’m happy. God, I really am turning 40, aren’t I?

What women do you admire?

I actually don’t keep a list of famous women I admire. Magazines do that for us, (Hi, Oprah! Call me!) I find myself admiring my friends quite a bit, though. I have a large group of supportive, loving pals, and each one of them juggles many responsibilities, faces challenges–some huge–and keeps getting out of bed every day to be present in the world no matter what, without making special demands or whining. I find it beautiful to watch.

What do you like best about your closest friend?

She has a really nice ass. Oh, but I kid. I mean she does. But honestly, it’s her ability to make me laugh and call me on my baloney.

What do you like best about yourself?

On most days, I’d say it’s my endurance and capacity for hard work. I really don’t give up on things, and it’s nice knowing that I don’t have to be afraid of failure. There’s always another shot. Which is good, because I generally need one.

What advice would you give boys about girls?

If you want to get something done in life, ask a girl to work with you. If you want to be happy, be kind to girls. If you want to be able to respect yourself, respect girls. And if you do anything bad to one of my daughters, I will hunt you down and make you pay.

How do you overcome adversity?

I look at adversity as the thing that will make me better. In other words, it’s not something to overcome. It’s an ally. I ask what I can learn from things that didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. I let go of things that aren’t working for me. And I try to make sure I’m not my own source of adversity–either through self-doubt or procrastination, or any other number of static-creating practices. The truth is, there will always be adversity and each one of us is going to lose the final battle of life. So it’s all about using what we can as leverage to venture as far as our hearts want us to go.

How do you want to be remembered?

As someone you could count on, no matter what.

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Women Worth Knowing: Meet Chey

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I met Chey a few years ago through my Homeowners Association web group.  I noticed that she was a lightning rod for conversation, likely because she was fearless about stating her well-considered, well-researched, well-written opinions.  Chey has been a very important part of what makes our neighborhood a great place to live.  She has what I call a Founding Father spirit.  That is, she understands what it takes to get the grass roots moving. She is a Patrick Henry type, able to light a fire in the group and get things moving.

She has been very charitable with her time in our neighborhood, involved with various aspects of different events, always willing to help.  Recently, I learned that she worked and lived in Moscow during the Cold War, and that raised her to an entirely new level of esteem.  Neighborhoods need a Chey, and I just like running into her at the WalMart.

Meet Chey.

Name: Chey Dustin
Age Range: 50s
Preferred Job Title: Currently domestic goddess, book reviewer, beading queen and project manager for family.
Industry: Currently in the “belief in family and home” industry

I’m the proud mom of 2 adult(ish) daughters and partner/spouse of their father, my life mate, for 33 years now.

The first hour of my day is spent in “slow mo”. I like to wake quietly, drink some caffiene, read the paper, watch the sunrise, hear the birds awake and do a little writing, then shift into high gear and “get ‘er done.”

The last hour of my over-filled days are spent checking the next day’s schedules, doing the lockdown and then a bit of reading before bed.

I’m at the age now that I can objectively view my life in more of an arc than the short bursts I saw it as when younger. Because of this I am better able to have a realistic perspective on how my definition of success has changed. Success: I have healthy children who think independently, are pretty self-sufficient and who have, so far, avoided some of the major pitfalls to which some of peers have succumbed. Success: My relationship with my life-partner has steadily become stronger over the long years together. Success: I know that the work I did early on, over a 20 year period, had a permanent, positive impact on the world and helped form who I have become. But most importantly, I feel I’ve found success because I don’t need/crave or pander to the judgements of others like I did when I was young. I am what I am…and I’m okay with that…because I know my own heart.

More and more I find joy in the simplest pleasures. After a hectic period of time working, raising kiddos, etc. I have the time now to stop and look and listen better than I ever have before. So I notice the beauty in things that I passed by too quickly before. Also, one thing in particular that brings me great joy is having long discussions with my daughters in which they truly share their own opinions and ideas on lots of subjects with no hesitation. After their stormy, closeted teen years, it is so nice to find out what kind of people they’ve become…and it is a joy to me that they feel free to share themselves with me.

Women I admire? First on the list would be the strong women in my family who preceded me. My mother, my grandmothers….they all endured hardships and sorrows with a grace that humbles me. They stood for what was right. Their loyalty was unshakeable. Other women I admire include writers, artists and “trailblazers”. I was the first generation that benefitted from the “women’s movement” of the 60’s/70’s. While some of those leaders were abrasive and unpopular, they made great strides both in the workplace and home for those of us who followed. The greatest achievement they gave us was a choice to be what we wanted to be…not stay within any tight stereotype defined by society.

My closest friend offers me absolute honesty…even at times when I may feel it is not what I want, I know it is what I need.

My best trait is that abhor injustice. Also I have loyalty and being forthright, all things I consider positive traits. Some interpret my forthright behavior as being abrasive. That’s their choice. While I’m guilty of being blunt and frank, I do not ever intend to be rude or mean-spirited. My personal belief is that we all waste too much time in talking around an issue, padding it with cotton, when we should just be direct and frank.

Advise I would give boys about girls? Be clear, be honest, be reliable. Say what you mean and then truly mean what you say. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. Oh, and learn to cook and do laundry…no thinking woman wants to be your personal maid or substitute mother. When looking for a girlfriend, always look for substance over style. We all love style but style can fade with time, but substance is forever! Find someone with both!

I overcome adversity through committed persistence and an unwillingness to be cowed down by those who try to bully me through their words, actions or judgments. On personal adversities I draw on the strength and example of the strong women who came before me.

How do I want to be remembered? As someone who was never afraid to speak up for those who had no voice. As someone who, when choosing between career and family, made the hard choice and at the end of the day, it proved to be the best choice for me. As someone who never loved lightly but always loved deeply.

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Women Worth Knowing: Meet Donna

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Aunt Donna with one of the women she admires, Michael, the big O, and Boom Pa.

Donna is my aunt, so I’ve known her since I was old enough to register that the pretty blonde lady was part of my family.  She is married to my mother’s brother, the world reknowned Uncle Junebug, who has recently traded in that monniker for the new and improved Boom-Pa.  But this is about Donna.

Since childhood, I have mentally associated my aunt with words like stylish, cosmopolitan and progressive.  To me, she always seemed like she’d been plucked from an artsy gallery party in Manhatten and set gently down into whatever scenery surrounded her.

We are a full-on military family, so save for a couple of my toddler years, we have never lived near enough to see each other often.  Rather, I know Donna from a handful of visits in my childhood, a couple of funerals and weddings in my adulthood, from the miracle of technology that is e-mail and Facebook, and from the usual family chatter.  As an adult, my word association has expanded to include fighter, fabulous, and feminist.

I have never seen my aunt looking less than chic, being the sort of woman who can stride into a room wearing a black turtleneck with black trousers and a Burberry wrap, appearing as though she has just stepped out of a frame in Town & Country.  She carries herself with an air of late afternoon wine tastings, weekends in the Hamptons, and is very, very West Egg if you know what I mean.

Donna is the style icon of my family.  I’d like to introduce you to her.

Meet Donna.

Name: Donna

Age Range: 63

Preferred Job Title: Retired

Industry: Construction

Describe your family: Small, straight, gay, level headed, wacky, kind, passionate, average, extraordinary, neat, messy, funny, dour, smart, artistic.

What does the first hour of your day look like? Although it’s probably only been 16 hours since I saw my grandson, I am rushing around with great anticipation in the morning getting ready to go spend the day with him again.

The last hour? Knitting or reading, but lest you try to stick me in the “sweet, old grandma” category, you should know that I often go to bed so pissed off that I have a hard time sleeping. That’s why I sometimes know it’s better if I don’t watch the news.

What makes you feel successful? Completing anything

What brings you joy? Oliver, flowers, a shoreline, birds, sea glass, cornbread, Obama, seeing tea bagger protest signs with misspelled words.

What women do you admire? Gold Meir, Hillary Clinton, Sister Mary Annunciata, my mother, my daughter.

What do you like best about your closest friend? She has got a definite political opinion and takes no prisoners.

What do you like best about yourself? I’m sure there are times when I am not easy to be around, but I know there are times I am gobs of fun.

What advice would you give boys about girls? No means NO.

How do you overcome adversity? Prayer is soothing, but you also have to get busy solving whatever problem you have.

How do you want to be remembered? Never quite understood that question because at best (unless you kill six million Jews or part the Red Sea) you will only be remembered a generation forward. Maybe two generations if you were crazy Uncle Bubba who escaped from every Veteran’s Hospital south of the line.

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Women Worth Knowing: Meet Lane

the outside lane

I suppose I should answer these myself, shouldn’t I?  As for introduction, I’m Lane.  I met me years ago.  It was a cold, snowy December, in the wee hours of the morning when I decided to arrive.  Christmas Eve, actually.  I was gorgeous.  Everyone says so.  But my best quality is my modesty.  I’ll tell you all about it.

Name: Lane
Age Range: 30s
Preferred Job Title:  For the purposes of this blog, I am the presenter
Industry:  hospitality

Describe your family:  My family is a fantastic hodge podge of people.  Technically, I am an only child, but truthfully, I have three sisters, Jamie, Karen and Amy.  I have one brother, Chris.  I have a nephew called Jeffles.  I have these amazing in-laws, who have accepted me into their hearts as though I were born into this last name.  I am married to this man who loves me for who I am, and who makes it easy for me to be myself and feel good about it.  He doesn’t bat a lash when I come home with a new project, even though he has to know it’s only going to last six hours.  I am married to a good, good man.  There is my mother, my fierce, sturdy, beloved mother.  My TJ.  My father and his wife.  There are my amazing friends from far and wide, my aunts, uncles and cousins, and the in-laws of the same variety.  And there is Thor.

Thor is the center of my internal solar system.  He is my delight, and my passion, and my hope for the future, and there is nothing better than just watching him go.

What does the first hour of your day look like?  I get up and make a cup of coffee, then turn on the computer.  I spend 15–30 minutes checking email and social networks, then spend the next 30 getting ready for work.  I play Thor into wakefulness and get him dressed, feed him pre-breakfast while he watches Pinky Dinky Doo, and then we’re out the door.

The last hour?  This is it right here.

What makes you feel successful?  Like every other mother I know, I feel successful when my child succeeds.  Man, I want you to know that the day he was potty trained, I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest.  When he accomplishes something, I feel like I’ve done well.  Prior to having a child, and outside of motherhood, I feel successful when I can see that I’ve helped someone.  When a friend tells me that my words have made an impact, or someone lets me know that a blog article has touched them, I feel successful.  I like making a difference.

What brings you joy?  Oh–my little family.  I am in heaven on a Sunday, sitting on the sofa, watching football with my boys.  Mundane things bring me the biggest joy.  A text message from my electronically challenged mother.  A one line email from my husband.  Couples events with Jamie and Wes.  Being able to give someone a gift.  Being able to make someone laugh.  And on cold days, the butt warmer in my car seat brings me great joy.  And naps.  I.love.naps.

What do you like best about your closest friend?  I love her honesty, and I love that when she asks me to be honest, she means it.  And I love that she never gives up, never gives in, never says die.  And I love that I could stand back to back with her in any situation.

What do you like best about yourself?  I like that I am willing to admit when I am wrong, and that I want to learn.  I hate being wrong, but I’ll admit it when I am.  I apologize when I should, and I do it sincerely or not at all.

What advice would you give boys about girls?  I ask this question because I want to have everyone’s advice handy when Thor is old enough to need it.  The advice I would give him is this:  Be honest and be kind.  Offer girls the same respect you want, and the same respect your father and I have always given you.  Girls and boys are different, but they both want the same thing, and that is to be liked, to be treated fairly, and to enjoy their lives.  You get that straight and you’ve got it down.

How do you overcome adversity?  I whistle in the graveyard.  I face adversity with stubbornness and a sense of humor.  Bad things happen to good people all the time.  That’s life.  You just keep going.  You have to find the humor and keep going.  The key is that you just never stop.

How do you want to be remembered?  I really don’t need to be remembered.  It’s shocking to write that and realize it is true.  I am perfectly happy in my obscurity.  If my son grows up to be a happy man, that’s enough for me.  If I am known for anything, I want it to be for having raised a joyful, happy, good man.  I’m no Rosa Parks, or Margaret Thatcher, or Marie Curie and I’ve made my peace with that.  That’s okay.  I’m living the now.  My eulogy should consist of, “You know Thor?  Yeah, she did that.  She and B did that.”

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Women Worth Knowing: Meet Elese

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Ettie Elese was my maternal grandmother.  No one could pronounce the woman’s name.  Ettie became Eddie, and Elese (the name she used most often) was bastardized into Elsie or Eloise.  Even my grandfather shortened her name to Eez.  I always felt badly about that.  She was dismissive and cranky about it, as she deserved to be.  Everyone should be able to have her own name.  She, my mother and I all share the middle name.  Grandma pronounced it el-EEZ.  My mother pronounces it UL–ees. I pronounce it ee-LEECE.  Not the only difference among us.

Elese was a brilliant mind.  The woman could look at a map once and memorize it, and she understood direction like no one I’ve ever met.  With a sixth grade education, she had a vocabulary that rivaled any news anchor, all derived from Reader’s Digest word games, and a voracious appetite for books, newspapers, and Court TV.  You would never have known that this woman was uneducated, the daughter of a moonshine running lumber worker, who once cussed out a preacher.

She had her issues.  Most of us do.  My cousins and I all had very different experiences with her, as did her children and their spouses.  Some were good, some were bad, some were the things you don’t even talk about outside of deep therapy.  There are days my greatest fear is that I will lose my mind and without the mental filter, I will be just like her.  There are days when I purposefully muster up every ounce of her that is in me, and wear her like a thick, leather tool belt around my waist, metaphorically girding my loins with her memory.  Every day, every single day, I miss her.  That’s funny to say if you know some of what she put me through, but it’s the truth.  At her best, she was better than anyone.  The sad thing is that at her worst, she was the devil.  And I think she had more fun jabbing that pitchfork than polishing her halo.  Basically, she was the Scarlett O’Hara of the dirt farming set.

I think if she could have gone to school, gotten a degree and put that mind to use, she would have been a happier, less volatile woman.  She was a master strategist.  She could look at a situation and tell you six different outcomes without having to wrinkle her brow.  Give her five more minutes and she could tell you exactly how to manipulate every one of those outcomes, and how to deal with the possible outcroppings thereof.  I wish she had played chess.  She could have kicked Bobby Fisher’s ass.

She liked to be in the know, hence the police scanner she listened to constantly, and the Court TV.  She actually read the paper.  She also read all of the gossip magazines.  From the White House to the Playboy Mansion, that woman knew everything that was going on in print.

She hated Ford, Carter, Clinton, and both Bushes, and she loved to make fun of my grandfather for voting for Carter because he thought Carter would do something for Georgia.  She loved politics.  She loved Constitutional law.  She loved learning.

Toward the end of her life, we had a very complicated relationship, but I loved her dearly.  I don’t kid myself about her or make excuses for her, but I accept her, and I am fiercely proud of what she accomplished with so little.  When I’m having trouble sleeping, I will close my eyes and imagine myself in her bed, recreating the cool dark of that hardwood floored bedroom, the pinging sound of the floor vents, and the smell of her satin pillowcases.  She and my grandfather made that place home for me.  Now, over ten years since I stepped foot in that house, it is still where my heart goes for Sunday dinner.

If she were alive, I would introduce you to her.  She would be coy and flirt her way through the answers to the questions.  She would tell you that she wasn’t much.  But I know better.  She was well worth knowing.  Good, bad, and ugly.  Just like you.  Just like me.  Just like every other woman.