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Roller Girl

the outside lane

Today was quite a roller coaster for me.  There was the high of registering Thor for school, then getting breakfast at the Waffle House, followed by the low of realizing that the skirt I had on was a wrinkler, and I looked like I’d slept in it.  I’m always pretty happy to walk into my office and see my coworkers, so that was a high–how many people can say that?!  Then the day was crazy in a manic sort of way, and that wasn’t great.  There was the further low of it starting to rain while my sunroof was open, and having to run out into it to save my car from filling up like an aquarium.  And then I got some bad news.  I’d been expecting it, but it was a blow just the same.  Really just a blow to my ego, but still!  I picked up Thor, and I was happy again.  Then, I came home and went to work on the Women Worth Knowing project.

Do you know what?  That makes me so happy!  I really enjoy sitting down and writing nice things about people.  So much more fulfilling than my short lived career as a gossip blogger.

I also came home to some very sweet emails from you all.  Thank you.  My day ended on a high.  You are good people.

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Kinderthor

the outside lane

I took my son to register for Kindergarten today and among the myriad papers I had to fill out, there was one asking for an introduction to The Boy. The first question was, “What are 5 words you would use to describe your child’s personality.”

Just five? I only got five words to tell them how wonderful this child is? I tried to pick words that were all encompassing.

Delightful. He is a delight. Everything about him makes my heart dance. He is full of wonder and love, and he is young enough that he is still wide open to the world, showing his range of emotions with enthusiasm and without shame. And I ache a little knowing that when I send him to school, along with reading, writing and arithmetic, he will also learn to lower his voice when he is happy, hold in that laughter I love so much, and pretend he’s not hurt when he is. Right now, Elementary School, he is an open delight.

Easy Going. Thor is mellow and sanguine, and he rolls with the punches. More often than not, his answer to change is, “All right, Mama.” When he argues, I know he’s tired, or not feeling enough loved. He says tomato, and you say tomahto, and he’s cool with that. But he is not a doormat. He has a backbone and it is strong. He is a good boy, and he minds. I don’t want anyone breaking his spirit down–my job is to make sure he understands that his performance in school is important, but it isn’t everything.

Inquisitive. This child loves to learn and explore, but he likes to do it at a safe distance. He isn’t the kid in the cabinet, taste testing the bleach. We have never had a safety lock. Instead, we taught him boundaries. We wanted his obedience to come because he trusted us with his well being, not because he just couldn’t figure out how to pick the lock. All doors are open, but not all doors lead to good things. So he understands that it is okay to look, but that he needs more information before he should touch. He may not be able to name the steps, but he and I have been exploring through the scientific method since he was old enough to form hypothesis about what this or that might be, and experiment his way into understanding.

Sincere. Oh my word, this child can break my heart with how earnest he is. He wants desperately to meet our expectations. He has his moments, we all do, but his nature is to strive for approval. I think all kiddos want that, and seek it out. I am Thor’s mother, though, so I see his sincerity as something special and spectacular, and I wonder all the time, “Where did this amazing child come from?” Because I don’t think I was ever this good. In school, he may learn that approval from the teacher will get him teased. At home, his mother will be teaching him to throw a punch, to bust any mockers in the mouth. Not really. I’ll be teaching him to find his worth in himself, and teaching him how to put that backbone to use. (And how to throw a punch, just in case.)

Helpful. This was the last word I chose. I wanted to use a word that would let his teacher know that he was a boy who wanted to be useful. He is a boy who needs to feel involved. He wants to get his hands on things, and he wants to show you what he can do. When he gets to help, he feels proud of himself. I hope that school is a place where he can feel a daily sense of accomplishment. He’s got thirteen years of it ahead of him.

He doesn’t know it yet, but as soon as he walks through those doors in August, he is on a track. He will learn how to read, and communicate in writing, how to work sums and do algebra, he will experience sports, and art, and music, and science, and he will form friendships, and fall in and out of love, and he will have homework, and practice, and hopes for the future. My job is to see to it that in thirteen years he is still delightful, and easy going, and inquisitive, and sincere, and helpful.

Wish me luck.

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Nostalgia

the outside lane

Leslieann, Renae, Wedding-Me, Sarah, Jamie, and Karen.

I’m feeling nostalgic tonight, and enjoying memories of the women who walked me down the aisle.  You’ve already met them, but just in case you missed anyone, these are Leslieann, Renae, Jamie, and Karen.  When Sarah-Mac is old enough for me to feel comfortable posting about her on the internet, we’ll add her to the mix.  Until then, she can be adorably anonymous-ish.

I am a fortunate woman.

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Women Worth Knowing: Meet Arwen

the outside lane

Arwen even found me a Cracker Barrel. This woman is the best!

In every movie about women with careers, there is the one woman who makes it look easy.  There is the woman who is married, has a child, has an idealized job in a glamorous industry, who can whip everything and everyone into shape with a few sharp words and who punctuates every life-saving lecture with, “Cupcake?”  That’s Arwen.  Arwen is totally the Bailey when it comes to life saving lectures, too.  You know, if Bailey made cupcakes.  No nonsense, and always right.  She can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and then bake cupcakes while she’s online managing the rest of the world.  When I need advice that I can and will follow, I go to Arwen.

I admire this woman.  When I fantasize about the type of woman I’d like to be (if I weren’t so distracted by shiny) I look a lot like Arwen.  I’d gush on about her, but it is too simple a fact for it to be so floral.  I simply admire Arwen.
Arwen always has something going on.  She’s working.  She’s parenting.  She’s wife-ing.  She’s fending off deer and snakes from her property.  She’s painting a room.  She’s refinishing furniture.  She’s clearing brush.  She’s chopping down trees.  She’s building a bridge over the creek in her back yard.  She’s baking cookies for her annual cookie party.  She’s baking cupcakes for her son’s class.  She’s working 20 hour shifts because Congress is in session, and people need to know what those knuckleheads are up to now.  She’s stuck in traffic emailing from her Blackberry.  She’s writing a blog (The Average Blogger.)  Or two (That’s What She Said.)  She’s taking amazing photographs of Civil War battlefields.  She’s traveling.  She’s cheering on the Nationals.  She’s–I’ll tell you what she should be.  She should be exhausted.
I have never met another human being who can do as much with as little time.   It’s a bit like being friends with Doctor Who.  Constant motion.  Constant excitement.  And she thinks it’s nothing at all.
She is practical and straightforward.  She is, as all of my favorite people are, brilliant.  She can make me laugh out loud harder and faster than anyone else I know.  And she once drove an hour out of her way to search for a camera I thought I had lost on a hayride.  THAT is a good friend.  Oh, and B likes her just as much as I do.  How often does that happen?
Meet Arwen.
Name: Arwen Lee Adams Bicknell. It’s long, but all four of those are a piece of my identity and heritage, so there it is.
Age Range: On the cusp of 40.
Preferred Job Title: Officially, Managing Editor for Online and Print Production. In my imagination, Empress of All I Survey.
Industry: Journalism.

Describe your family: Immediate family comprises my everloving husband, John, and my laugh riot son, Thomas, plus cats Gilda and Jane. Extended family is equally small and close-knit, and I spend at least two hours on the phone every weekend with my parents and grandparents.

What does the first hour of your day look like? Dark, dark, dark, full of work, work work. The alarm goes off sometime between 4:30 and 5:30, depending on how much I predict I will need to get done before 8, and I am online within 7 minutes of the alarm going off — and five of those minutes are spent waiting for the damn computer to boot up.

The last hour? Because I get up so early, I tend to crash hard. I kiss the kid goodnight at 8:30 and wander off to my own bed, where I aspire to reading one chapter of anything before passing out, but most nights I usually just flop onto Tha Mister’s shoulder while getting sucked into whatever dreck is on TV.

What makes you feel successful? I’m pretty easy on that score. Completion of a project, from a good batch of jelly or crocheted blanket to just having a clean house. I will say I think I feel most successful when I’ve succeeded in passing along some skill or information to someone else. Teaching Thomas how to fold laundry, teaching a new employee how to be a good editor; those are the best parts.

What brings you joy? All things Thomas. The way he laughs when he is happy, the way he sings to cheer himself when he’s less than happy, the way he gets righteously pissed off and stompy and makes me want to throttle him because, well, “I’ve told you 100 times not to slam that door like that, young man! THIS is how you slam a door!” Just, all of it.

What women do you admire? I admire lots of women. Does everyone say their mom? She’s in there; she can rebuild car engines and tame horses. I aspire to be as competent as my mother, as socially adept as my grandmother, as innovative as Coco Chanel, as badass as Margaret Thatcher,and as nurturing as Mother Earth. I guess my TV role model is Claire Huxtable.

What do you like best about your closest friend? That he was smart enough to marry me.  It gives us more time to have all that fun together.

What do you like best about yourself? Is it weird that this was the hardest question to answer? It’s much easier to detail what I don’t like, since I tend to spend more time working on that or making excuses why I’m not working on it. But best? I guess it would be my attitude. John refers to it as an “everybody just calm the fuck down demeanor.” I think I take a pretty rational and evenhanded view of the world instead of getting worked up or taking things personally. First, it lets me sleep better at night, and second, it helps me better assess problems and solutions.

What advice would you give boys about girls? Oh, I am doling this out all the time, to my husband, to my son, to my dad….  The first advice I gave Thomas was to invest heavily in the phrase, “You were right; I was wrong.” Of course, the second phrase he really needed to survive kindergarten was “You’re not the teacher; I don’t have to do whatever you say.”

How do you overcome adversity? I’d like to say I do it with energy and vigor, but the truth is I probably do it with a gusty sigh, an eyeroll, and then planting my feet and shoving as hard as I can.

How do you want to be remembered? Oh, my. I think I’d like to be remembered as someone who knew how to turn work into something fun, and helped other people do so as well.

And since Arwen is one of the handful of women I know who is successful in the career she actually went to school to achieve, I thought I would ask her for a little more information.

What advice would you give to women in middle and upper management? Don’t ever confuse being a boss with being a bitch. There are times to be stern and times to be blunt and deliver harsh truths, but there’s always a way to do that without getting personally nasty, and there’s really never any cause to snap and bite and humiliate subordinates. Likewise, you don’t have to be a bitch to move up the ladder; you have to be competent and assertive, not malicious and subversive.

What advice would you give to girls on getting a job in their desired field? Don’t be afraid. Do your research about the field, talk to people who have the job, see if you can get some firsthand experience as an intern or summer employee. Ask the stupid questions, make the dumb mistakes — once, so you can learn from them. And if you do get the job and find it doesn’t suit you, don’t be afraid to change course. I know a lot of people who invested themselves, found out the job wasn’t for them, but stuck with it for whatever reason — fear of failing in another field, fear of wasted investment, I don’t know what. Don’t be afraid.

What matters most? Being useful. Finding a way to contribute, even if it’s just picking lint off the sofa, is the most gratifying feeling I know, and it has done the most to advance me in my life, my career, my sense of self. My boss told me once that if he had to choose my epitaph, it’d be what I say to him all the time: “I’m done with my stuff. What else ya got?” That was just about the nicest thing he ever could have said to me. If I can teach Thomas to be one of those useful kids who clears the table instead of one of those entitlement brats who just expect the grownups to clean up their every mess, I’ll feel like I really did something worthwhile.

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Women Worth Knowing: Meet Renae

the outside lane

It is impossible not to like Renae.  Unless you are one of those people who hates other people out of sheer jealousy, it is 100% impossible not to like Renae.  Every thing about her works, even her hair.  I met Renae at a birthday party, and I liked her instantly.  She was smart, and funny, generous with her welcome–just as I’ve come to know she always is.

She is implacable, unique, and manages to be many things to many different people.

If you want to come out to someone over a tuna sandwich at lunchtime, Renae is your girl.  If you want to plan a spontaneous trip to Ireland, call Renae.  If you’re going to go camping, and a tornado is going to come through and try to tear apart your tent, and you need someone to save you from blowing away, Renae.  If you need to show up on a doorstep, sobbing, broken heart in your hands, Renae will let you in, feed you cereal, and listen while you snot your way through the unfairness of love.  Well, maybe she won’t let you in, but I know where she lives, and more importantly, I knew where she lived when I was the one doing the snotting.  And that right there is why I will always love Renae.  That, and because she actually picked my nose once.  You know someone loves you when they will pick your nose.

I do try to keep myself out of introductions.  Since I’m telling you what I like about people, it requires a certain amount of involvement, but I do try to keep it about the person you’re meeting.  With Renae, I have to tell you a little more about myself so you’ll understand why I think she is so special.

Until I met Renae, I didn’t like girls much.  I didn’t trust them.  I didn’t know many I respected. I thought they were all backstabbing brats, and more than one of them proved my point for me.  I preferred the company of men, and didn’t mind telling you so.  I had a couple of girls who had been friends since my youth, but I hadn’t made any real female friends after the age of fourteen.  Oh, I had friends who were girls, but it was more a case of me being their friend.  I rarely let anyone else be my friend.  That is, I refused to be vulnerable to another woman.

But Renae isn’t just any other woman, and I fell head over heels in friend-love with her from the get-go.  Renae was my first real adult friendship, and she was the girlfriend who made it possible for me to see the wonder of having female friends.  She allowed me to be vulnerable.  My friendship with Renae made every other friendship that came after hers possible.  I owe Amy, and Arwen, and Irene, and Nicole, and Charlcye, and all the rest of you to Renae.

Renae makes plans and she sticks to them.  She actually does what she says she is going to do.  If she tells you that her life plan entails X happening, then two years passing and Y happening, and two more years passing before Z happens, then you can set your watch to Z and not worry about missing an appointment.  She is self-disciplined and self-assured, and completely and utterly oblivious to how amazing she is.  You know that song She Don’t Know She’s Beautiful?  That’s Renae.

While she is absolute to her values and morals, she is enough of a cipher to filter what she finds most interesting in her peer group though her beliefs and wear them like the latest fashion.  She is open to change.  She is open to learn.  She is open to life.

At her wedding, I toasted her saying that I was glad she never had to spend another Valentine’s Day with me as her date.  I meant that sincerely.  But you know what?  Valentine’s Day dates with Renae were always good.  I hope all of you know someone like her.

Meet Renae.

Name: Renae
Age Range: 30s—barely.
Preferred Job Title: Program Director
Industry: Non-Profit, Social Services

Describe your family: My mom and my dad are both from small, farming communities in the Texas panhandle and they are just all-around good people, and very proud of me and my sisters. I have two younger sisters. We don’t get to see each other as much as we would like but we talk every week. Both are married to great guys and so I feel like I have two brothers now, as well. My middle sister has a one-year-old daughter, and both of my sisters are currently pregnant. Yay! I love being an aunt…I can give a lot of love but I don’t have to worry about how to pay for their education. Much to my parents’ delight, I am married to a great man. He’s funny, hard working and at any given moment has at least three new projects or hobbies. I’ve learned about wine, rock climbing, flying, gardening, cooking, and playing guitar, to name a few things just by being around him. His favorite interest, though, never changes. He loves me and wants to make me happy. He succeeds. We have two incredible children together, a high-spirited daughter who’s two and my little man, a beautiful son who’s five months old. I could write about them forever. Let’s just say I’m smitten and think they are pretty terrific. I really hit the jackpot with my in-laws, too. I adore my mother-in-law, and I’ve grown to think of his family as simply my own. I have great friends who I consider family. I also have Zoe, a dachshund I’ve had for nearly 10 years. She’s seen me through turning 30 as a single woman, getting married, two pregnancies, two babies and now tolerates being covered in Disney stickers by a two-year old. She would be very angry if I didn’t include her in this [ed. note:  she’s not kidding.]

What does the first hour of your day look like? Prior to the baby, I would wake up and head to the Y for a run first thing in the morning. Now, while he’s still waking during the night and I’m feeding him at odd times, that’s much more sporadic. He’s usually my alarm clock. He wakes me up and I feed him, dress him, shower and get myself ready while my husband is getting our breakfast and getting all the “stuff” our kiddos need ready. We get our two-year old dressed and fed and all four of us are out the door by 7am.

The last hour? Making sure our two-year-old is in bed asleep, feeding the baby, watching something we’ve recorded on tv and just basking in the glow of surviving another day with two young children.

What makes you feel successful? I enjoy my work and I’ve found that since having children, my time away from them is very valuable-I want it to count for something. I feel successful when I’ve done something that will further the mission of my agency and when I’ve personally helped someone make life better. I feel successful each day when I prepare the bottles of breastmilk for my baby for the following day—any working, breastfeeding mom who pumps knows that sense of accomplishment! It is a big deal. Overall, my idea of success has changed since I’ve had children. They are my successes. Oh, yeah, I do feel pretty successful when I finish a run, whether it’s a half-marathon, 10k or even 5k. Being included in this project with these other great women feels pretty good, too!

What brings you joy? A note from my husband in my lunch box. Picking up my children in the afternoons. Seeing friends. Doing something for people I love that I know they will enjoy. Saturday mornings, in bed with hubby and both kids, just playing and talking. Watching my kids, anytime, anywhere.

What women do you admire? Oh, so many. I admire women like Corrie ten Boom, Jane Adams, the six women who founded Le Leche League, Clara Barton-women who righted wrongs and made a difference on a large scale. I also really admire the women I surround myself with…my mom, my mother-in-law, my husband’s aunt, my sisters, my friends. Some of them have overcome amazing obstacles and rather than become bitter, they are deeply feeling, caring, strong, funny, loving souls. They may not be on People Magazine’s list of remarkable women (does that really exist?) but they make a difference in the lives of the people they touch and I admire them.

What do you like best about your closest friend? I have a number of people who wear that label at different times, in different situations and what I like most is knowing I can always count on them and knowing they can make me laugh. What’s the saying? A friend will help you move, a good friend will help you move a body. I’ve got lots of good friends, even though I haven’t needed to move any bodies…yet.

What do you like best about yourself? I don’t give up. I work hard and I care about making things better. I have a good sense of humor and I try to treat others well. I think I have the ability to make other people feel good about themselves.

What advice would you give boys about girls? Having one of each, I spent some time thinking about this question. Treat them well and show them respect, knowing that’s a two-way street. It’s amazing how our thinking changes when we see everything through the eyes of “this could be my daughter or this could be my son”.

How do you overcome adversity? With equal parts of humor, determination and faith. It also helps to have good people to surround you, when needed.

How do you want to be remembered? Fondly! A good woman, daughter, wife, friend, and above all, a good mother.