Category: Uncategorized

We’ve hit 10,000 pageviews here on The Outside Lane, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I am chuffed! So, to celebrate, I am doing a giveaway tie-in.

I need a new tagline for the blog. “I have technology and I’m not afraid to use it,” is lame. I need your help! From now through Sunday, February 27, submit your ideas for a new tagline for The Outside Lane. On Monday, February 28, I will announce a winner.

I can’t tell you exactly what will be in the gift package because I would like to tailor it to the winner. I would hate to send lipgloss to someone who doesn’t wear it, you know? All I can tell you is that it will be fabulous!

So start tagline brainstorming. You can enter as many different taglines as you like.

Yay! Free stuff!

I was having a really cute morning in my adorbs floral dress and sweater. I stopped off at a walk-in Starbucks (instead of my usual drive-thru) and pranced through the line. I was congratulating myself on my poise and style as I exited, and my toe caught the carpet outside the door. Arse over teakettle, my friends. Coffee everywhere, including in my shoes. So much for poise, but ten points for style of landing.

But just like midnight turned Cinderella back into a housemaid, one fall turned me back into Thor’s Mom. And believe, Thor’s Mom’s really cute moments are increasingly rare. Sad.

I saw a post on a new-to-me community asking about cosmetic surgery. Have it, or age naturally? I thought, and said, that as much as my fleeting youth saddens me, I would not have changed a line on my grandmother’s face. She looked like a walnut, but she was beautiful to me. Both my grandmothers. And I wouldn’t change a hair on my mother’s head or a thing on her face. So, I probably won’t ever change mine.

That made me think about the Bruno Mars song, Just the Way You Are. Here is the chorus:

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

Gentlemen Readers, allow me to enlighten you. When a woman asks if she looks okay, the only proper response is, “Yes.” Unless she looks like the corpse of Anna Nicole Smith, in which case it is appropriate to suggest that she tone down her lipstick.

Never, ever, under any circumstances answer the question, “Do I look okay,” with, “I would not change a thing about your face, or your amazing smile!” Because, “I would not change a thing about your face, or your amazing smile,” actually translates through a woman’s brain as, “Dang, woman, you have got to do something about that backside!”

Also unappealing: Being told that a man would catch a grenade for you. That just makes a woman squint and blink, and back away slowly.

I did not grow up around any marriages that worked. My parents’ marriage was a disaster. My grandparents, both sets, though they remained married til the bitter end were truly working the bitter part of that end. I was pretty jaded about the prospects of a decent partnership by the time I was old enough to seriously consider it. Actually, I was jaded from the start.

I had no romantic notions about living with someone, and maybe that’s saved me some trouble in the long run, but I used to despair of even seeing friendliness in relationships.

When I worked for the ministry and the church, I did so during a rash of high profile divorces. Still single, I was horrified. If those particular people couldn’t keep it together, who could? I spent a lot of time howling at Irene about it. Then, something magical happened. Irene invited me to visit Spongeorama, a lure I could not resist, and I hopped a flight to Florida. Not only did I get to visit the most grotesquely, insanely beautiful monument to sponge diving in. the. world. I also got to meet Thom a/k/a Irene’s husband (and Liv, their brilliant daughter, who was about five at the time, and who woke me up one morning by crouching on her haunches, very still, and very close to my face like a lovely, blue-eyed cat, staring until I lurched to wakefulness.) I spent three days with a family that worked.

I loved how Thom treated Irene. I loved the easy way they moved around each other. I loved that he didn’t seem to mind that Irene and two friends were giggling like 3rd graders at a slumber party. And I loved that Irene never seemed to feel self-conscious around him at all.

Around the same time, Jamie looked me up. She had been married a couple of years, and though I had met Wes briefly when they were just dating, I didn’t know much about him. It didn’t take long to figure out I was watching another couple who functioned like Irene and Thom. They welcomed me into their home and hosted me through the next few years of job hopping and silliness, and never held against me that I subjected them to Armor of Light through their children–click the link and skip to 3:35 for my big scene. (Wes has been threatening to post this for years, I may as well do it on my own terms! And yes, I was directed to that cadence and delivery. Forgive me!)

I digress.

I got really lucky with Jamie and Wes, and Irene and Thom. I saw those two marriages and it hit me: THAT is what I want. It was two couples made up of imperfect people, who just really liked one another, and who were willing to work hard. They were clearly in it together, and clearly in it for the long haul. There wasn’t ego. No one was competing. They were just good people. They were the only couples I ever admired or envied. They are still the only couples I truly admire.

When I was dating, I was looking for a man who would treat me like Wes treated Jamie, and like Thom treated Irene, and I used Jamie and Irene as examples of good wives. Forget Proverbs 31. An excellent woman was one who didn’t mind game night and treated her in-laws well, no matter how they treated her. I had great examples.

With those two couples as a pattern, I decided I had been looking for all the wrong things, and I changed up my criteria in a dating relationship/future partnership to one thing: I wanted a person with whom I could be 100% myself in total comfort, and vice versa. That decision changed something in me, and I like to think it allowed me to become a better human being.

Since I told you about B yesterday, I thought I should tell you about the people who made B possible for me today.

If you’ve known me five minutes (or gone through the cds in my car), you know I’m a Duranie. It should come as no surprise that I have been following a few of the members of the band on Twitter and Facebook. You know what? It makes me happy that they write such bland, normal tweets. And it makes me happy when their wives and children are interviewed, and they talk about what good men they are. My fantasy is that all the men I’ve had crushes on are ridiculously decent human beings, and are faithful, good husbands. Kind of kills the adolescent thrill of romantic love, but I couldn’t be with a man who would cheat on his wife (and I would never be with a man who thought I was the kind of woman who would cheat on her husband–how rude!) so it works out well.

Why wouldn’t I cheat?

First off, I’m too lazy. I don’t have the energy to lie like that. That’s actually not the first off. The first off is that when I count even the hypothetical cost, it is too expensive. An affair would cost me my marriage, which would cost me partial custody of my child, and no dick is worth losing even an hour of a day with Thor. No romance is worth losing Thor’s respect, or destabilizing his home.

You know, that and I like my husband. I can’t really think of anyone I’d prefer. I know I like living with him, and I know he likes living with me. My mom likes him. I like his family. My friends like him, and I like his friends. And he doesn’t mind that I still giggle when I see Simon LeBon or John Taylor. Why risk that? Pfft. No such thing as greener grass.

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I am going to organize meet ups/networking events for the Women Worth Knowing project. Just seems like the right direction. Might be nothing, but who knows? It might become something.

As Thor is getting older and more independent, I am re-realizing my desire for the company of girlfriends. I miss how Renae, Karen, Leslieann and I used to hang out, and I miss Fourth Fridays. Of course, all of us having families makes it harder to get together, but once a month, why not offer the opportunity for people to gather and say hi, and have someone speak for 15 minutes or so? Can’t hurt.

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I keep trying to read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It’s quite good, but I can only get through a few pages at a time. Maybe I need another memoir?

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Planned Parenthood: I said on my FB that if the government can afford to sponsor a NASCAR, they can afford to sponsor the upkeep on our little red corvettes.

I’ve never used PP, but I’ve taken a few friends in. I know they appreciated the services.

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Target’s panties are fantastic.

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Life is good

I’ve been writing fiction in a bit of a fevered bliss, so I haven’t had time to update here. Now, though, I’ve hit a wall, so it is time to jog the brain with other creative outlets.

I used an Alton Brown recipe to pan sear ribeye steaks last night, and served with jasmine rice and ranch style beans. It was very good! I also used my new bread machine to make a loaf of whole wheat bread, and fed myself a breakfast of that with peanut butter and jelly. Also very good. It’s a pain in the butt to slice the bread, I’ll tell you. But I do like knowing that I know exactly what is in it. Very tasty.

So after howling for months that I do not consume enough calories to maintain my weight at the current activity level–and yet, here I am, still having to suck in to zip my jeans–I am keeping a food diary (again) and am starting to think I really haven’t been eating enough calories and my metabolism might have slowed to nothing. Without correcting for exercise calories burned, my intake over the last week averages somewhere around 1000 calories a day. That is not good for me.

I’ve found that I function best between 1500 and 1800 calories a day. I lose weight faster, I feel better, I have more energy. Granted, I’ve been sick and my appetite has been next to nothing, but even in the last 3 days, I haven’t done very well on getting food in. I guess I’ll start packing snacks.