Beauty – Page 2 – The Outside Lane

Waisting Away Again

February 12, 2013 the outside lane

I just came from the scale, where I weighed in. 206.9. That’s how much I weigh today. My favorite jeans are a size 16. My favorite work trousers are a size 14. I wear a size L shirt, but prefer an XL because…I do. I like baggy tops. Why am I telling you this? Because it’s not a secret.

I look like this. Only, usually I am not wearing a apron. Usually, I am the one taking the pictures, so I have precious few full-body shots of myself. — I look like this sitting down. Only, usually I am not wearing a apron. Usually, I am the one taking the pictures, so I have precious few full-body shots of myself.

Yes, it’s time for another one of those posts about size because I was made acutely aware of mine once again tonight. I am one secure woman, so if I was made to feel unsure about myself, it’s time for a reminder that weight only determines size, not worth.

Just to get health issues out of the way: My most recent blood work (2012) shows that I am exceptionally healthy. I am nowhere near diabetes, and my cholesterol was even decent. I am well within all the proper ranges for my age group, and at my last work-required physical, which included a mini stress test, I surprised the nurse with my stamina and strong heart.

Actually, I surprised her with my weight. I stepped on the scale and she gasped, and said, “Oh! You don’t look like you weigh that much!” Recently, I had someone tell me I might be attractive, except for all “this”, and that person waved a hand up and down my torso. Say what–did I even ask? Tonight, a woman checked me out–actually walked a circle around me–and sneered at my stomach. I want people like that to understand that their actions don’t say anything about me–I’m already all out there. I own a mirror. I own a scale. I know what size I wear and exactly how I look in my clothes. They aren’t saying anything about me that you don’t see when I’m crossing the street. They aren’t adding anything to the conversation, save to inform their characters.

This is what 206.9lbs looks like wearing a fitted, size 16 suit. And save for the dorky pose, objectively I can say to you that it looks pretty darn good. — This is what 206.9lbs looks like wearing a fitted, size 16 suit. And save for the dorky pose, objectively, I can say to you that it looks pretty darn good.

I weigh what I do for several reasons, none of them genetic or medical:

I love tacos. And nachos. And bacon sandwiches. And Coca-Cola. And chicken fried steak. And I fully intend to eat food I like, along with fruits and vegetables, which I also love to eat. Weight Watchers was great for a while, then it made me sad. I would rather be fat than sad, and as long as Rosa’s is serving up their lard coated love, I will eat there.
I have had a very sedentary job for the past year, meaning I put back on the 25lbs I dropped walking stairs on my lunch breaks. (My new office has stairs and a lot of great places to walk, and an hour lunch. I expect my weight will fluctuate accordingly.)
I am not going to get up an hour earlier than I already do (I get up at 5:45 most mornings) to go jogging. I’m just not. And, I’m not going to go jogging in the dark.
I am also not going to take one of the precious 3 hours I get each night with Thor, and spend it on a treadmill. Vogue can suck it. I only have him for short years before he is off to college. I have the rest of my life to do sit ups.
I am over 40, and it’s harder to lose weight now. It used to be that I cut out Cokes and I’d lose 15lbs in 3 months–and that was all I needed to lose. Now? I cut out Cokes and I’m just thirsty.

I do not like weighing 206.9lbs. I don’t. That’s too much for me. But I know that weight is a temporal thing, and subject to change, so I don’t get too fussed about it. I work on myself in spurts. While I am moving toward more activity (and am excited about that!), I don’t kick myself for my choices.

I don’t apologize for how I look. I don’t need any outside validation. I am awesome–just ask anyone who knows me. Awesome. And overweight. And those two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

Beauty, hair, how to, tutorial

Hairstyle Tutorial: If I Were Nucky Thompson’s Girlfriend

December 6, 2012December 6, 2012 the outside lane

I have a major crush on the ladies hairstyles of Boardwalk Empire. Everyone else might be watching for the gangsters and mols, but I’m watching to see how Margaret and Gillian are wearing their hair. And their shoes. Those shoes are all kinds of adorable.

Yesterday, I realized that my hair has grown out to the point that I could make a passable attempt at some BE hair, so I scrubbed up, grabbed the rat tail comb and a handful of bobby pins, and went to work.

The first step was to make finger waves with the front sections of my hair.

To make a finger wave (and that one on the left is pretty messy) I hold my index finger down on a section of hair, then use my other hand to draw the lock into a C shape. I use a bobby pin to secure the rounded part of the C. Then, I curve the lock again, making a backwards C, this time using the bobby pin to secure the bottom part of the C. The curved part of the C comes forward against my temple.

When I have two Cs, I take the length of the lock and make a pin curl above my ear.

To make that pin curl, I wrap the lock around my index finger, then slide it off, and secure it with a bobby pin to the side of my head. If you can twirl your hair, you can make a pin curl!

Once the front sections were finished, I went to work making little pin curls all over the rest of my head. The more curls you make, the more body your hair will have. I used TIGI’s Catwalk strong mousse for holding power. My hair is very fine and doesn’t hold curl well, and I was pretty impressed that my finger waves are still holding. That’s some good mousse.

Blurry AND dark--but I was trying to take a picture of the back of my head with a cell phone. — Blurry AND dark–but I was trying to take a picture of the back of my head with a cell phone.

Pin curls aren’t hard, per se, but they do take a few goes to master. The technique that works best for me is to use one hand to take a pinch of hair about two inches from the end, then use the other hand to curl the end up into the pinch. That gives you a circle. Then, you roll the lock of hair around that pinch, rolling it up to your scalp, keeping the circumference of your original circle as you go. When you run out of hair, lay that circle down against your scalp and use a bobby pin (or whatever floats your boat) to secure it to your head.

You’ll want to work with damp hair–that makes things easier. Too wet and your hair is just floppy and hard to work with. Too dry and the curls won’t set. It’s a balance that depends on your particular hair, though.

I wrapped my curled up head in a scarf and went to bed. When I woke up in the morning and undid the curls, my hair looked like this:

That’s not a great look, but listen, those waves? Perfect! I got started on my Boardwalk Empire hairstyle by separating out the front section of my hair and pinning it out of the way.

I wanted to do a style Gillian wears frequently, which is several pincurls layered across the nape, with a fingerwave ending in a curl on the sides. My first try was more elaborate mess than Mob Mol, but I will show you the steps I took to get there:

I started making pincurls at the middle back of my head, working my way out.

I built in more curls, securing them into each other for stability.

I kept making curls until I had all the back section of my hair in a nice arrangement.

Then, I took down the top section that was pinned up, and separated that into three sections. I teased the middle back/crown section for some height.

This is what it looked like teased. You can kind of see what would come next naturally.

I made three more pincurls from that crown section, securing them into the first line of curls from the back section of hair.

Careful not to pull so tightly that I pulled out my finger waves, I swept those side sections to the back middle of my head and secured them as pincurls.

Then, I used my comb to smooth out the rough spots and tuck strays into the curls. I think I've gotten pretty good at taking pictures of the back of my head! — Then, I used my comb to smooth out the rough spots and tuck strays into the curls. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at taking pictures of the back of my head!

I put on my makeup, paying attention to the eyebrows because 20s eyebrows were darker and rounder than what we're used to wearing today. — I put on my makeup, paying attention to the eyebrows because 20s eyebrows were darker and rounder than what we’re used to wearing today.

But, I decided that was too many pincurls for the office. It looked too costume-y. So I took the back down and modified it into only 5 big curls.

I took a silver necklace, put bobby pins on either side, and hooked it into my hair like a little headband. I used two more pins on each side to secure it, hiding the pins under the side waves.

2012-12-06 09.12.41 — The modified style wasn’t as Boardwalk Empire as it had been, but it was a good compromise between an office friendly French twist and my desire for a little hair drama.

It worked out, and got several compliments, including three from men, who don't usually notice my hairstyles. — It worked out, and got several compliments, including three from men, who don’t usually notice my hairstyles.

I’m not interested in the Boardwalk Empire life, but I sure wouldn’t mind having someone show me how to do a few more of their hairstyles. And I want all of Margaret’s clothes from Season 2. All of them.

Random bit of interest: It took 17 bobby pins to hold my final style. I don’t have a lot of hair, so you might want to double up if you’re going to try this at home.

2the9s, Advice, Beauty, Personal Shopping Network

Exciting News!!!

December 5, 2012 the outside lane

The Outside Lane is excited to announce the grand opening of The Outside Lane Personal Shopping Network.

I am open for business as your Personal Stylist, Career Clothing Counselor, and Perfect Present Picker. Save time and tears, and let me help you get dressed for a special event, for daily life, or just pick out a present for your Great-Aunt Thelma-who-has-everything.

Click the link to my Personal Shopping Network and let’s get shopping! I’ll provide you with options based on your details, then you pick and I click–I’ll have it shipped to your door. You can be the belle of every ball, the best in every boardroom, and everyone’s favorite gift giver–they never have to know you were actually me.

A Day in the Life, Beauty, Explaining the Strange Behavior, Family, Friends of Mine

It Girl

December 5, 2012December 5, 2012 the outside lane

I can’t sleep. Part of it is the snoring that was coming from beside me, and part of it was the coughing coming from the other room, and part of it was good old fashioned insomnia. I tried to entertain myself with fantasies of being on the X Factor. I can usually tell myself stories to sleep–generally, I would zonk out halfway through my audition fantasy, but tonight I made it all the way up to my Top 3 song choice before giving up and getting out of bed. By the way, my Top 3 consisted of a really hot girl who sang like Whitney Houston, and a cutie patootie boy band. I was eliminated in that round, but not before Simon Cowell said I was his favorite contestant ever, and had a hissy fit that I’d been voted out.

So, I looked down tonight, after I’d gotten into my pajamas, and I thought, “Good lord! My boobs used to be a lot higher! When did they fall down there?!” You would think that having read and/or listened to so many women talk about the changes time and gravity bring, I would have internalized some expectation of it. Not so. Time and Gravity continue to be startling shocks to my system. I know where things were. I know where I think things should still be. Joke’s on me. They ain’t there no more.

Lately, I am coming to realize I need reading glasses, too. My optometrist has been telling me this was coming. The past few eye exams, the doctor has said something like, “After 40, vision changes rapidly, and you may find yourself needing reading glasses.” I guess I thought I was special, or impervious, but the other day a client loaned me her readers “just to see” and it was like– Well, it was like I need reading glasses. I’ll have to find a chic pair so that my transformation into Little Old Lady isn’t quite so sudden.

I’m not complaining about aging. I am enjoying my age. I wouldn’t turn back time at all. I like where I am, who I am, and who I have around me. The little niggling changes are all worth the exchange. I don’t like the wrinkles, but I really don’t mind the wrinkles either. Some of the people I love most in the world have a whole lot of them, and it doesn’t change how I feel for them one bit. The people who love me feel the same way.

Isn’t that lucky? I think it is. I feel very fortunate to be surrounded by, and loved by people who see past my flaws.

I feel about bodies, the way I feel about houses. Curb appeal only really matters if a) you intend to sit outside in your front yard a lot, or b) you’re trying to make a sale. Of course you want your exterior to be in good shape, and as attractive as is feasible to maintain because the health of the exterior is what protects the health of your interior, but it’s what you find past the front door that makes a house a home. How comfortable are you inside? How good does it feel to just kick back and relax? How happy are you when it’s just you and the clock ticking?

I’m pretty happy. Happy enough to get myself through to the Top 3 on X Factor!

It's been a few years since I've hit the stage, but I still plan performances. — It’s been a few years since I’ve hit the stage, but I still plan performances.

Beauty, Career, Uncategorized

What Would Happen if my Milkshake DID Bring all the Boys to the Yard?

December 3, 2012 the outside lane

I was emailing with a friend and wrote, “I want to get paid to just look good.” And then I had to follow that up with, “Of course, that requires work of its own, and would mean hitting the gym/pavement/pole dancing class, avoiding carbs like my life depended on it, and (let’s face it) botox or bangs. Bangs are cheaper–but I just grew mine out!”

There really isn’t a free lunch. Jennifer Anniston works hard to keep it tight, and that’s why people are still interested. Looking good is her job. You look good enough (Jessica Alba) and no one even cares if you can’t act–as Paulette Goddard, Dorothy Lamour, and Veronica Lake lamented in their smash hit A Sweater, a Sarong, and a Peekaboo Bang (see? Bangs.) Looking like Hollywood is a full-time job.

I already have a full-time job, so you won’t catch me looking like Hollywood. But I wonder what would happen if I treated “Looking Good” like a part-time job?

Part-time work is generally under 20 hours a week, but I am also a parent, so adding 20 hours to my current 40 isn’t feasible. What if I took a 5 or 7 hour a week “part-time job” at the offices of “Looking Good”? What would happen?

Conceivably, I would get paid more. I should see an increase in my incentivized full-time pay based on how much people wanted to look at me (like Jessica Biel does, bless her heart), and the better I look, the more I should see my incentivized pay increase in my full-time work (like how the prettier your leading lady is, the more people go to see the movie.)

But how would I calculate that? What factors would I need to consider?

Well, it takes a while to get good at any job, so I shouldn’t expect my work at Looking Good to start making an impact for between 60 to 90 days. It takes at least a year to be fully grounded in a job, and to have experienced a sampling of the seasonal issues one might encounter, so it would take a 12 month period before I could really start to make calculations.

After a year, though, working at “Looking Good” for 5-7 hours a week, I should start to see enough significant difference that I could account for it in my full-time job, and note the intangibles like better service, free drinks, and getting out of speeding tickets.

However, I have to take into account my age and some factors I cannot manage without paying to have them fixed. I am always going to be whiter than a Trace Adkins concert–I can’t tan, and my skin is fish-belly white, so my ability to Look Good is relegated to a pasty subgroup. I am relegated to further subgroup by merit of being (almost) 42-years-old–gravity is doing her work. There is also the matter of fact that at my thinnest, I’ve still got child-bearing hips, massive thigh and calf muscles, and broad shoulders. I have freckles, thin hair, and discolored teeth. Factoring in all that, my Looking Good pay scale goes from, say, $10 an hour, right down to minimum wage of $7.25. And that’s if, in the course of Looking Good, I drop about 60lbs.

But, the better a job I do at Looking Good, the more my confidence will increase, drawing people to me, and the less I will need to do to maintain it at a certain plateau. I should be able to divert some of my Looking Good job hours into workarounds for the factors set above, so that after two years of my part-time job, I should see an increase in pay of somewhere around $1.50. And more offers of free drinks.

Of course, I have no intention of doing this. I can buy my own drinks. The most workout I am interested in right now, is the one my fingers get while I’m typing. It’s just the idea that if I devoted myself to it, as though it were my earning potential, Looking Good would be a lot more important, and perhaps easier to do.

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