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Dating Advice

the outside lane

If you are thinking of making a commitment in a relationship, take a road trip. The drive should last at least six hours. Any less, and you and your intended can still pretend to be nice people. If you really want to test it out, take a pet or a small child, and try to find the worst traffic patterns or weather available. If, after the end of your drive, you can still look at the other person and smile with sincerity, that relationship is a keeper. Otherwise? Move on. My husband, son and I have just returned from another of our semi-spontaneous road trips. I haven’t stopped smiling yet. (You could accomplish the same thing in an airport, but that’s drastic. B and I have even managed to have fun in airports, with an infant. It’s true love.)

I met my husband on New Year’s Eve, 2001. By New Year’s Day, 2002, I had a crush on him. We were dating by January 24, and got married exactly two years from that first date. Now, I had dated a string of decent fellows and losers, and everyone knows what not to look for in a man, so I’m going to tell you some of the things B did right.


He was nice to waiters.
Always watch how someone treats the staff. If he or she is rude, demeaning, or superior to those serving him or her, that person is not worth your time. If you are the one being rude, check your attitude, honey. It ain’t easy slinging hash for a living. I’ve done it (at Denny’s even!), and nearly every member of my family has done it. That young man you’re giving a hard time might be my nephew, which means you don’t want me to know about it. Capiche?

He was good to his parents, and good to mine.
Watch how a person treats their parents. I met B’s family about a month into dating him, after the memorial service for his grandmother. That’s a great story, actually. He called and asked me if I could join them for dinner at the club. As much as I wish I had grown up as a debutante, I was working at Denny’s (see above) when my classmates were having their coming out parties. Thus and so, I had never been to the club. I was panicked. Meeting the parents? At the club? What would I wear?

I worried about what to wear for three days, finally buying this beautiful dress on my lunch hour the day of, and on my way back to work, my car broke down. I got towed into the dealership, where I promptly fell down the stairs, scraping the hide off my legs from the top of my feet all the way up to my knees. My first thought, “Now what am I going to wear?!”

When I met B’s parents and one of his Uncle/Aunt combos, I was really warmed by how he interacted with them. He was comfortable. He was at ease. He seemed to genuinely like them, and they liked him.

Not every family works that way. You couldn’t get my whole family in a room together if I was getting married–that is, I wouldn’t let them in a room together. I’m not stupid. If you are with someone whose relationships are strained, just look to see that they are treating the situation with respect. But do watch. The way people treat their families is the way you can expect to be treated, should you become their family.

He didn’t sweat the small stuff
I grew up in a family full of hotheads. Tempers flaring everywhere. Mountains made out of every molehill. That was how I expected a man to act. The man I almost married acted that way. The man I did marry? Nah. He saves his temper for when it is necessary, and waves off the rest. Crying over spilled milk? Never. He just gets it cleaned up.

Really pay attention to that temper. Is this someone who is going to lose it and backhand you into next Tuesday? Is this someone who is going to meltdown at the first sign of a problem? Or is this someone who can handle his or her emotions? If he OR she is a hitter, get off the boat.

He had good friends, who were good people, and he treated my friends well.
I’ll tell you what, B’s group of friends are some of the best men I know. I mean that. These are good guys and are exactly the kinds of men you always want to fix up with your really great girlfriends–the kinds of guys you don’t think exist outside of television and movies. Seriously. There is a Ross, a Ted, a Marshall, a Leonard, a Chuck…you get the picture.

The NYE party where I met B, was thrown by one of his friends. Another of his friends was dating (and later married) Renae. Our two friend groups mixed up well enough to travel together, and mix and match for parties and gatherings.

Your friend group says a lot about you. B’s friend group said he was Captain Awesome.

All that stuff makes a difference when you’re living with someone 24/7, and know you’ve got 60 or 70 more years ahead of you. We’re all human, and we all do idiotic things to each other now and then. If we’re partnered with good people, we’ll be better people in how we act and handle their humanity. B’s got his work cut out for him, living with me. Oh, I’m a good catch, but I’m also kind of a brat. I try to make it worth his while.

I hope all of you who want them, find your Mr. and Ms. Rights. I certainly enjoy mine.

Women Worth Knowing

Women Worth Knowing: Meet Jennifer

the outside lane

You'd never peg her for a rebel.

I remember with a clarity the first time I saw Jennifer.  I was over at Tommy’s house, and he was expecting a visit from Stephanie and her friend.  Jennifer turned out to be the friend, a little pixie of a thing with pretty blonde hair that went on forever and an impish smile.  She was wearing a prairie skirt, an oversized shirt and a vest.  In two years’ time, the hair had been cropped down to a fiery red bob, and the modest prairie garb had been traded in for cire catsuits she wore with an enviable elegance.  That girl looked good in anything!  If Facebook is to be believed, and I think it should, she still does.

Jennifer had a sly, dry wit.  You had to get to know her a little bit, and then her humor would start to peek through.  In my mind’s eye, she always has one eyebrow raised, has always just slipped something wry into the conversation, and her lips are always twitching up into that devil-may-care smile.

Back in the day, Stephanie was working as a nanny, Jennifer as a librarian, and I as a banker.  Jennifer is the only one of us who actually stayed true to her course of study and stuck with her career track.  For as long as I have known her, she has been quietly ambitious and worked as hard as she played.  She has always followed her own drummer, too.

She is a good and loyal friend.  When she loves you, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says.  She isn’t afraid to be different.  She isn’t afraid to stand out.  She knows how to get things done.

Meet Jennifer.

Name: Jennifer Baker
Age Range: 30s–for one more year anyway 🙂
Preferred Job Title: library director and mom
Industry: public libraries

Who are you? i’m a sixth generation texan who defected and moved to california almost ten years ago. i love texas and it will always be home but i do not plan to live there ever again. i am a perfectionist and an optimist with a little bit of ocd. i am very patient with people and i have a long fuse but i when it blows it’s not good to be around. i have everyone around me convinced i am an extrovert but i am really a closet introvert who prefers to either be alone or just with close friends. i like people to be comfortable around me so i am a bit of a chameleon. i tend to adopt people’s postures, cadence and even accents. i used to do is subconsciously but now i notice it and use it to my advantage. i am very driven to succeed but i don’t like being praised too much. i do enjoy compliments but only in moderation. 😉 i want people to notice i did a good job but it’s more important to me that the job is well done than to get credit for it. i despise hypocrisy and people who are judgmental. i try to think before i speak and frequently play out conversations in my head before i have them. i have a high tolerance for pain and am not easily frustrated. i complain a lot about little things but usually keep the big things to myself. i talk outloud to myself and to inanimate objects. i prefer experience to things. so if you are going to buy me a present it should come in an envelope not a box–ie. massage gift certificate, tickets to the theater, a trip to hawaii.

Describe your family: the family i was born into is very conservative, ultra-fundamentalist christian (ever seen “jesus camp”?) they vote straight republican, are anti-choice, anti-gay, and even a bit racist but don’t see this in themselves. i was this way too when i was a kid simply because i didn’t know better but as i grew up and came to know other views of the world i changed my outlook to be as inclusive and tolerant as possible. i have a sister who is two years younger than me. she got married a little over a year ago and is having her first baby this summer. i do not have aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents. the only grandparent i ever knew was my paternal grandmother who died when i was twelve. i did not know her well and i do not remember her as a very pleasant person.
my chosen family is my husband and our two little boys. i have been with my husband for ten years after a failed marriage in my early twenties. he is my best friend and my biggest fan. my first son will be four next month and my youngest just turned three months. he was born two months premature. we also have two cats.

What does the first hour of your day look like?
get up, help my husband get our oldest off to school. get dressed, feed the baby. soon it will include getting myself to work. i am not a morning person!

The last hour?
everyone is asleep and i am enjoying alone time. i have to force myself to go to bed because i tend to get mentally revved up around 10:30pm. i get everything ready for the next morning since i am not a morning person

What makes you feel successful?
in my personal life making people happy, making people laugh. someone liking my idea. at work, the same, but also getting invited to participate in things where i can put my experience and viewpoints to good use.

What brings you joy?
figuring something out or helping my little boy figure something out. good theater. good movies. good food. dancing & music. a good hair day and new clothes.

What women do you admire?
business women like my friend joan who works as a consultant and tells it like it is. those who persevere in hardship…the “take the bull by the horns” type. single moms like my friend chris or moms of sick children like my friend ashley. women who buck convention. also those who seek out opportunities to help people and try new things. i have a friend, stephanie, who is living in afghanistan now working as a librarian at the university there (when she’s not in lock down). she spends vacations going to places like india to work in medical camps. i could never live that life but i admire it to no end. i also admire nurses (women and men, but usually women) who work with people who are the most vulnerable and don’t have a voice like small children, the terminally ill, and the elderly.

What do you like best about your closest friend?
humor, honesty, and pluck

What do you like best about yourself?
my tenacity and that i can find calm in the storm

What advice would you give boys about girls?
treat us gently, fairly and equally. when a girl is talking, listen with your eyes and your ears.

How do you overcome adversity?
when you’re going on a bear hunt and you come to a river that you can’t go around, over or under, ya gotta swim. i’m a “head down and press onward” kind of person. i tell myself “this can’t last forever and i will survive this”

How do you want to be remembered?
as someone who was kind, considerate , generous, energetic, innovative, intelligent and always looked good for her age. 🙂

our blog:
http://www.mostlynicolasandryan.com

Women Worth Knowing

What Makes a Woman Worth Knowing–A Man’s POV

the outside lane

As part of the Women Worth Knowing project, I have asked a few of my man-friends (that’s a very Golden Girls terminology, isn’t it) to share what they think makes a woman worth knowing.  My friends are in various stages of relationship, some married, some dating, some divorced or divorcing, some straight, some gay.  All of them have mothers, though, so they have that in common!

Chris and his 2nd biggest fan.

The first essay comes from my Brother-in-Law, Chris.

Chris was a senior in high school when I started dating his brother.  I knew from the start that he was a keeper.  Growing up, I always wanted a little brother.  I really couldn’t have imagined one better than the one my husband would give me.  He is smart and funny, and a true romantic, and after you read this, you’re all going to want to snatch him up.

Here is Chris on what makes a woman worth knowing:

She’s smart. Smart enough to be 16 moves ahead of you – to have you in checkmate before the game’s even started. Sharp enough to see each and every string dangling down in front of you, and to know exactly which ones to pull, exactly what angles to pull them from, and exactly how hard. She can have you crawling on your hands and knees, through broken glass and salt, and you’d never even know why. But you’d love every second of it.

But then something remarkable happens. She doesn’t do any of that. Because she’s busy, damnit, and she has better things to worry about than you. You’ll figure it out or you won’t. She’d prefer that you do, but if not, she’ll be just fine. She has a life to live – fires to put out, missions to accomplish. And she doesn’t need you in order to do it.

She’s strong. But she doesn’t rub it in anybody’s face. She doesn’t have to. It just comes through, because she’s confident, and capable. She handles her business, and is ready at the drop of a hat to help out here or there for the people in her life she cares about. She’s smart enough that she doesn’t try to take on too much – it’s seldom more than she can handle. And when it is… she manages anyway. She never backs down from a challenge, and is rarely ever overmatched. When she is, she doesn’t cry about it. She takes her lumps, learns her lessons, and moves on to the next challenge.

She’s quirky. She doesn’t fit the mold. Either you like it or you don’t. She doesn’t particularly care which.

She’s a good judge of character. She calls a duck a duck, a cat a cat, and she can smell a rat a mile away. She doesn’t associate with the rats, but she doesn’t particularly wish them any harm, either. She just wants them to go build their rat nests elsewhere, and stay out of her hair. But God help the rat that decides to make a mess in her life. Generally she’s more than happy to lay the poison down herself, and kill it dead. But, if that’s not an option, she knows plenty of cats who are fiercely loyal to her, and will be more than happy to take care of the problem for her.

Much more than anything, she has a heart of gold. She’s not always happy, of course, but you can always feel love coming from her. It’s her family – her parents and siblings, her spouse and her children. It’s friends, old and new, and casual acquaintances. It’s the strangers on the streets or on the 10 O’clock news who are going through the most difficult times in their lives. It’s anyone and everyone she meets. She refuses to be taken advantage of, but if you need it, and you’re not trying to steal it, she’ll give you the shirt off her back, and ask if you could use her bra to keep your head warm. You can see it in her eyes, and hear it in her voice. She’s a good woman, and she’s proud of it.

That, my friends, is a woman worth knowing. I’m fortunate enough to know several, and to have had their influences in my life over the years. I’m a much better man because of it. I am most blessed.