Author: the outside lane

Happy. That about covers it.
A Day in the Life, Beauty, Explaining the Strange Behavior, Family, Friends of Mine

It Girl

the outside lane

I can’t sleep.  Part of it is the snoring that was coming from beside me, and part of it was the coughing coming from the other room, and part of it was good old fashioned insomnia.  I tried to entertain myself with fantasies of being on the X Factor.  I can usually tell myself stories to sleep–generally, I would zonk out halfway through my audition fantasy, but tonight I made it all the way up to my Top 3 song choice before giving up and getting out of bed.  By the way, my Top 3 consisted of a really hot girl who sang like Whitney Houston, and a cutie patootie boy band.  I was eliminated in that round, but not before Simon Cowell said I was his favorite contestant ever, and had a hissy fit that I’d been voted out.

So, I looked down tonight, after I’d gotten into my pajamas, and I thought, “Good lord!  My boobs used to be a lot higher!  When did they fall down there?!”  You would think that having read and/or listened to so many women talk about the changes time and gravity bring, I would have internalized some expectation of it.  Not so.  Time and Gravity continue to be startling shocks to my system.  I know where things were.  I know where I think things should still be.  Joke’s on me.  They ain’t there no more.

Lately, I am coming to realize I need reading glasses, too.  My optometrist has been telling me this was coming.  The past few eye exams, the doctor has said something like, “After 40, vision changes rapidly, and you may find yourself needing reading glasses.”  I guess I thought I was special, or impervious, but the other day a client loaned me her readers “just to see” and it was like–  Well, it was like I need reading glasses.  I’ll have to find a chic pair so that my transformation into Little Old Lady isn’t quite so sudden.

I’m not complaining about aging.  I am enjoying my age.  I wouldn’t turn back time at all.  I like where I am, who I am, and who I have around me.  The little niggling changes are all worth the exchange.  I don’t like the wrinkles, but I really don’t mind the wrinkles either.  Some of the people I love most in the world have a whole lot of them, and it doesn’t change how I feel for them one bit.  The people who love me feel the same way.

Isn’t that lucky?  I think it is.  I feel very fortunate to be surrounded by, and loved by people who see past my flaws.

I feel about bodies, the way I feel about houses.  Curb appeal only really matters if a) you intend to sit outside in your front yard a lot, or b) you’re trying to make a sale.  Of course you want your exterior to be in good shape, and as attractive as is feasible to maintain because the health of the exterior is what protects the health of your interior, but it’s what you find past the front door that makes a house a home.  How comfortable are you inside?  How good does it feel to just kick back and relax?  How happy are you when it’s just you and the clock ticking?

I’m pretty happy.  Happy enough to get myself through to the Top 3 on X Factor!

It's been a few years since I've hit the stage, but I still plan performances.
It’s been a few years since I’ve hit the stage, but I still plan performances.

 

 

Beauty, Career, Uncategorized

What Would Happen if my Milkshake DID Bring all the Boys to the Yard?

the outside lane

I was emailing with a friend and wrote, “I want to get paid to just look good.”  And then I had to follow that up with, “Of course, that requires work of its own, and would mean hitting the gym/pavement/pole dancing class, avoiding carbs like my life depended on it, and (let’s face it) botox or bangs.  Bangs are cheaper–but I just grew mine out!”

There really isn’t a free lunch.  Jennifer Anniston works hard to keep it tight, and that’s why people are still interested.    Looking good is her job.  You look good enough (Jessica Alba) and no one even cares if you can’t act–as Paulette Goddard, Dorothy Lamour, and Veronica Lake lamented in their smash hit A Sweater, a Sarong, and a Peekaboo Bang (see? Bangs.)  Looking like Hollywood is a full-time job.

I already have a full-time job, so you won’t catch me looking like Hollywood.  But I wonder what would happen if I treated “Looking Good” like a part-time job?

Part-time work is generally under 20 hours a week, but I am also a parent, so adding 20 hours to my current 40 isn’t feasible.  What if I took a 5 or 7 hour a week “part-time job” at the offices of “Looking Good”?  What would happen?

Conceivably, I would get paid more.  I should see an increase in my incentivized full-time pay based on how much people wanted to look at me (like Jessica Biel does, bless her heart), and the better I look, the more I should see my incentivized pay increase in my full-time work (like how the prettier your leading lady is, the more people go to see the movie.)

But how would I calculate that?  What factors would I need to consider? 

Well, it takes a while to get good at any job, so I shouldn’t expect my work at Looking Good to start making an impact for between 60 to 90 days.  It takes at least a year to be fully grounded in a job, and to have experienced a sampling of the seasonal issues one might encounter, so it would take a 12 month period before I could really start to make calculations.

After a year, though, working at “Looking Good” for 5-7 hours a week, I should start to see enough significant difference that I could account for it in my full-time job, and note the intangibles like better service, free drinks, and getting out of speeding tickets.

However, I have to take into account my age and some factors I cannot manage without paying to have them fixed.  I am always going to be whiter than a Trace Adkins concert–I can’t tan, and my skin is fish-belly white, so my ability to Look Good is relegated to a pasty subgroup.  I am relegated to further subgroup by merit of being (almost) 42-years-old–gravity is doing her work.  There is also the matter of fact that at my thinnest, I’ve still got child-bearing hips, massive thigh and calf muscles, and broad shoulders.  I have freckles, thin hair, and discolored teeth.  Factoring in all that, my Looking Good pay scale goes from, say, $10 an hour, right down to minimum wage of $7.25.  And that’s if, in the course of Looking Good, I drop about 60lbs.

But, the better a job I do at Looking Good, the more my confidence will increase, drawing people to me, and the less I will need to do to maintain it at a certain plateau.  I should be able to divert some of my Looking Good job hours into workarounds for the factors set above, so that after two years of my part-time job, I should see an increase in pay of somewhere around $1.50.  And more offers of free drinks.

Of course, I have no intention of doing this.  I can buy my own drinks.  The most workout I am interested in right now, is the one my fingers get while I’m typing.  It’s just the idea that if I devoted myself to it, as though it were my earning potential, Looking Good would be a lot more important, and perhaps easier to do.

Uncategorized

Rock Monsters

the outside lane

I posted this anecdote on FB yesterday.  Thor and I were talking about something and it came around to behavior.  I reminded him that bad behavior landed kids on Santa’s* Naughty List, and that the Naughty List kids got lumps of coal in their stockings.  Rhetorically, I said, “And what would you do with a lump of coal?”

Thor shot back with a huge grin, “I’d make ROCK MONSTERS!”

This is the blessing and curse of the intelligent, resilient, imaginative, self-confident child.  You can’t threaten them into good behavior.  You have to actually work to get it out of them because if you give them lumps of coal, they are going to make rock monsters, so why worry about getting coal? Coal is just as awesome as anything else.  Rock monsters rule.

We learned this about that child when he was barely a toddler.  I was attempting to threaten him into eating his vegetables by saying I would take away toys.  When I had to make good on my threats, he watched me, stone-faced with tears in his eyes, and he said, “I didn’t really want that anyway.”  And how do you deal with a toddler who has already learned the importance of counting the cost before he’s made a stand?  We had to go about it a different way–and I’m not saying we got the right answer after one or two tries either.  We had some embarrassing meltdowns of patience before we hit on what works with him.

I don’t mind telling you that this is one of my favorite things about him.  He knows his own mind.  He knows what he does and doesn’t want, and he has always pre-considered what it is worth to him.  Fortunately, we’ve discovered that the one thing he hasn’t been willing to risk is our disappointment.  We’ll see what happens in those teen years, but right now, what I see is a kid who is going to do okay in saying no to all the right people.  I hope he will.

Life is a lot harder when  you say yes to the wrong people, and when you say yes to the wrong people as a young adult, you have an awful lot of life left to live with those decisions and regrets.

 

*I’ve always tried to be honest with Thor about invisible things like Santa, and God, and what makes weather happen.  We play at Santa, but when he’s asked if Santa is real, I’ve told him that the spirit of Santa is real, but not the mythology of the man in the sleigh.  Every year, he asks me.  Every year, I answer.  Every year, so far, he has said, “It’s okay that you think that, Mama, but I know Santa is real.”  So…Santa is real here.  And that’s fine with me.

books, Friends of Mine

Front Page Fatality–an Interview with the Author, LynDee Walker

the outside lane

You may remember my Cousin-in-Law, LynDee Walker, from such hits as Women Worth Knowing: Meet LynDee, or What is Sexy: Part Two, or her parenting articles for The Examiner, but pretty soon she is going to stand out in your mind as one of Henery Press‘ premier authors.  Nothing could make me happier than to introduce you to LynDee as the author of the Nichelle Clarke Headlines in Heels Mystery Series.

Isn't that the cutest book cover ever?!
Isn’t that the cutest book cover ever?!

Crime reporter Nichelle Clarke’s days can flip from macabre to comical with a beep of her police scanner. Then an ordinary accident story turns extraordinary when evidence goes missing, a prosecutor vanishes, and a sexy Mafia boss shows up with the headline tip of a lifetime. As Nichelle gets closer to the truth, her story gets more dangerous. Armed with a notebook, a hunch, and her favorite stilettos, Nichelle races to splash these shady dealings across the front page before this deadline becomes her last.

The first book of the series, Front Page Fatality, will be available to the public on January 29, 2013, but since I know the author *hair fluff* I got an advance copy to enjoy.  Now, I love spoilers, but I know most people don’t, so I won’t tell you ANYTHING about the story (because if I try, I’ll spill), but I will tell you this:  Front Page Fatality is a tightly written, interesting mystery that is fun to read because of how vibrantly and realistically Nichelle Clarke is written.  From the top of her head, to the soles of her Louboutin shod feet, Nichelle is personable, relatable, and exactly the kind of person you’d like to take out for Happy Hour.

Since I can’t do any real talking, I asked LynDee if she would.  I’m excited to bring you The Outside Lane’s first official interview with soon-to-be-best-selling author, LynDee Walker.

LynDee Walker
LynDee Walker

 

TOL: Welcome to The Outside Lane, LynDee!

LW:  Thanks for having me! I love your reviews, commentaries, and general attitude, and am very glad to be here!

 

TOL:  Get us started!  Tell us the story of how Front Page Fatality came out of your brain.

LW:  The first draft came out insanely fast. It took five weeks to finish. And it was super long and very messy. It all started with a scene that’s in the middle of the book and is a spoiler for the story, so I don’t want to say which one, but it pestered me for a few days and I thought putting it in the computer would make it go away. Instead, I got bitten by the fiction bug.

 

I think it was borne of a desperation to get back to some sort of writing, because after almost five years away from journalism–as a stay-at-home mom–I didn’t realize how much I missed just the act of putting down words until I started writing that scene. I also missed the newsroom. Ergo, a reporter heroine that gives me the ability to play in that world without the long hours away from my babies.

 

I went back to what I thought then was the beginning of the story and wrote through to that original scene, then wrote from there to the end. I pantsed it the whole way: the best description I have for you is that it was like watching a movie in my head and transcribing what was happening. I had no idea what was coming next, and wrote so manically because I wasn’t sure when or if it would stop.

 

As I wrote, I took chapters to my mom and my best girlfriend and they kept asking to see more, so I kept writing. But then there were literally years of revising and revamping the story to get it to what you see today. I think there are maybe five or six sentences in the entire book that have survived since the rough draft.

 

TOL:  That’s a lot of work.  What was the most difficult part of getting the story from your thoughts to the page?

LW:  Initially, it was finding time to do it fast enough with two small children and a part-time job. I knew nothing about writing fiction when I started, except that I got to use descriptive words and let people have opinions, so I just wrote.

 

When I began learning about good fiction writing and started revising, the most difficult parts were learning how to reveal a character in layers, and making sure the words conveyed the scene I had in my head to the reader (which is one of many reasons I adore my beta readers).

 

TOL:  The audience is always right!  But you’re used to an audience.  You are an award winning journalist, and journalists are required to get straight to the facts and tell a story in short order. How did that affect your novel writing style?

LW:  Adversely, at first, actually. I had so much fun getting to use all the flowery words I’d always been told were off-limits that the rough draft was way too long. But during revisions, I think my training came in handy by helping me pare out unnecessary words without affecting the story.  And my fantastic editor and I tightened the book even through the last round of copy edits. I think in the end, my journalism background made for a fast pace and a tight story.

 

TOL:  And your journalism background taught you how to write a tease, too.  What comes next for Nichelle?

LW: She’s getting herself into more trouble digging around in another murky story, and her relationship with Joey is heating up. And of course, she’s shoe shopping.

 

TOL:  I can’t wait!  But we’ve got another month before everyone else can read Nichelle’s adventures, and I’m going to have to wait a lot longer!  In the meantime, where else can we find your work?

LW:  I do local freelance articles in Richmond, and I also write a parenting column for examiner.com. (http://www.examiner.com/elementary-years-parenting-in-richmond/lyndee-walker).

 

TOL:  Thank you so much, LynDee!  I’ll be sure to keep The Outside Lane readers updated on how to get Front Page Fatality.

For more information about LynDee or the Nichelle Clarke Headlines in Heels Mystery Series, check out these links:

FRONT PAGE FATALITY: A Nichelle Clarke Headlines in Heels Mystery (Henery Press, January 29, 2013)
Twitter: @LynDeeWalker
Facebook: LynDee Walker
Goodreads: LynDee Walker
Amazon author page: LynDee Walker
Pre Order from B&N here
Pre Order from Amazaon here
Uncategorized

Best of Songs, Worst of Songs

the outside lane

I am a captive to constant Christmas music, which is better than being captive to “It’s a Small World,” as my family once was when the eponymous ride broke down while we were halfway through it, but which is still grating after about three days.  My pain is your entertainment.  Since I am hostage to this limited catalog, I thought I should put it to use.  Follows, my 5 Favorite, and 5 Most Hated Christmas Songs.

Let’s do the Faves first, because one of them is on right now.

5.   Wonderful Christmas Time  I know a lot of people hate this song by Paul McCartney, but I love it.  It is whimsical and sweet, and any song that uses “ding dong ding dong ding dong” ad naseum as lyric has to be great, right?

4.  Silver Bells was my grandmother’s favorite Christmas song, and she would ask me to sing it to her over and over again.  It is also the first Christmas song I can remember connecting with.  I was 8 when my parents got me a little Donny & Marie radio/microphone set.  If you aimed the mic antenna at the radio antenna just so it would sound like you were singing on the radio.  Silver Bells was the first song (and one of the only songs) I ever managed the mic magic with.

3.  Do They Know it’s Christmas  Duh.  I mean, I know I’m way too old to love this song and that none of my imaginary boyfriends look anything like they did for the Band Aid video (or the Live Aid shows), but this is a sentimental favorite of mine.  I hear it, and I am transported to Junior High and my favorite day-glo orange sweater and Life Saver candy earrings.  That’s not a bad thing.

2.  Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas  Only the Judy Garland version of this will do for me.  It makes me feel warm and happy, and for just a couple of minutes, I can imagine that I live in a world of snow, and fireplaces, and homemade pies.  The pie figures in heavily.  It is cherry pie.  A la mode.

1a.  Mary Did You Know  As far as actual CHRISTmas songs go, this one tops my book.  If you want a “reason for the season song” this is it.  It’s also a lovely, haunting melody, especially this version by Michael English.

1b.  I’ll be Home for Christmas  *sigh*

 

My Most Hated list is actually more difficult since I like most Christmas songs, but I’ll manage, and having just heard one of those…

5.  Trans Siberian Orchestra Carol of the Bells  I don’t really hate this one.  I feel like this is the My Heart Will Go On of Christmas songs.  It’s a great song that’s just gotten way too much play, and it is dated and tiring.  It sounds exactly like a guy I went out with in college, who was also great in very, very small doses, but who was wearying with the gesticulation and dramatics.

4.  Feliz Navidad and Meli Kalikimaka  Speaking of tiring.  I’m lumping these two together because they are basically the same song, and neither is good enough to merit its own whipping.

3.  Any Amy Grant Christmas song.  I had my Amy Grant phase, right alongside my plaid jumpsuit with the massive doily collar and enormous hairbow phase.  No photographic evidence exists of either.

2.  Santa Baby  I don’t like the idea of Santa as a Sugar Daddy.  Just…yuck. 

1.  The Christmas Shoes  This trick.  I could not hate this song more if it grew legs and kicked a puppy.  I already hate it more than Frankenstein’s monster hated fire.  It is the worst song in the world–and I’ve heard Amsterdam.  This song should be drawn, quartered, and dragged through the streets of London while Henry VIII looks on, eating a giant turkey leg.