Author: the outside lane

Happy. That about covers it.
The Book

SO Official It Hurts…but only when I laugh

the outside lane

Grace asked me if it ever got exhausting “pimping all [my] stuff”. No. I only tell you about what I think is worth knowing, and all the typing keeps my pimp hand strong.

I’m very excited about this: My official Amazon.com Author Page.

I have such a huge sense of relief knowing that the book is out the door, and soon we should see some reviews start to straggle in. Meanwhile, if you’ve read it already, we’d love to see YOUR feedback on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Your feedback is what really matters. We would also appreciate any word of mouth. It’s our first novel, and along with the work our publisher is doing, we are grassroots marketing all the way.

What’s very funny to me is that I never realized just how bad I am at success. That is, I have absolutely no idea how to be successful without being self-deprecating, and that just defeats the purpose when your further success depends on your ability to be excited about the work you’ve done. “Aw, shucks,” doesn’t cut it.

The good news is that I got to the root of why I am so concerned about saying, “Why, yes, I did do that, and I think it’s quite good. Thank you!” Now, hopefully, I can work on learning to be as self-possessed, assured, and matter-of-fact about my actual hard work and the fruits thereof, as the inspiring June Graham of June Bijou Jewelry.

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Smelly Cat

the outside lane

Personal smells are very personal, non? I am one of those people who is fastidious about not having an odor at all. I rarely wear perfume, having grown up around people who are extremely sensitive to (and sometimes also extremely obnoxious about) smells, and one of my worst fears is that I will be somewhere, get a whiff of onion, and realize it is me. Since I dealt with foot-stank growing up (Karen can tell you all about how my feet smelled like Fritos) I am hyper-sensitive to being as olfactorily inoffensive as possible.

Spring is here, and that means the Texas summer will be upon us in about 3 hours, so I am listing below some of my tips and tricks for staying stink-free in the hot weather.

1. You have to bathe regularly. That’s a given, yes? I love the Dr. Bronner’s liquid soaps, especially the Peppermint. Thor loves this soap, too. You put some on a bath-pouf and lather up, and your skin gets all kinds of wonderful tingly and fresh feeling. I also really like the eucalyptas and tea tree flavors, but they have softer scents like citrus, lavendar, and rose, too.

One of the major pluses to a tingly soap like this is that you can tell exactly what’s been washed and what hasn’t. So, if you’ve missed a spot, a nook, or a cranny, you’ll know it. And there is always my personal bath motto of: Lift it, shift it, scrub it. It’s the only way to be sure you aren’t funky.

2. Pre-emptive deodorizing. I like to use unscented, or very lightly scented anti-perspirants. I prefer a stick solid. I know that some people feel like these are silent killers, but I would argue that Stank is also a silent killer.

Deodorant crystals do not work. The only people who think these work are the people who use them, and the only people who agree with those people, are also using them.

If I’m wearing a skirt or shorts, since nothing on my body is concave, I usually stripe a couple of swipes of deodorant onto my inner thighs. This keeps my legs from getting slick and sweaty, reduces the chance of getting heat rash, and also adds some stank protection. When Thor was a baby, I would use the Aquaphor Healing Ointment I put on his bottom to prevent diaper rash. That stuff was fantastic! But since I am never in the baby aisle anymore, and since my Dove Ultimate Go Fresh Cool Essentials does the trick, I just use that.

I also like powder. Powder is my friend! My favorite is Gold Bond Cornstarch and Baby Powder. I sploof some of that under my arms after I put on deodorant, and whuff a generous amount of it into my undergarments. Keeps things nice and comfortable, and reduces the chance of getting whiffy during the day.

3. Protect & clean your garments. If you’re a sweat-er, then you know for pit stains. And pit stains can mean stank. When I’ve worked under kleig lights, I’ve put panty liners in the pits of my garments to keep them dry. These also wick away moisture from your pits. If you get the deodorizing kind, they offer another layer of stank protection–although, I think those fragrances stink worse than funk when they are warmed up.

And, especially in the summertime, if an article of clothing has been rubbing against your pit, foot, or crotchal regions for more than 12 hours, it’s time to wash it.

I think the best advice is this: If you think it might stink, wash it, dry it, and powder it. And carry baby wipes.

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Sparkley vs. Savage

the outside lane

I am pretty sure I’ve posted before that the experience and process of being published has taught me to never mock another author’s work. There is a world of difference between saying, “This isn’t my thing,” and “This is stupid.”

Since this has come up in all three interviews we have done so far, and since the genre of our book makes it likely that it will come up again, I want to be sure I have said this in a public forum: I have never read any of the Twilight series or seen any of the movies, so I can’t offer an educated opinion on them at all. What I can tell you is that I would never [again] knock the author’s hard work. As Elspeth has so sagely put it, it is very difficult to complete one book (boy howdy!), let alone to complete four. And to write four books that have captured YA and Adult adiences alike is quite a feat.

I don’t plan to read the series or see the movies because Laurell K. Hamilton ruined vampires for me after Narcissus in Chains (p.s., I LOVE the first 4 Anita Blake novels. They are original and witty, and make for awesome Girl Powered Mickey Spillane reads.) but that doesn’t take anything away from Stephanie Meyer’s accomplishments.

My personal preference is a more Dracula based vampire, but that’s just because I like when they sizzle in the sunlight. I’ll bet they smell like bacon. Mmm. Bacon.

So, to recap: Lane has not read Twilight, but respects the work Stephanie Meyer did and how it captured the minds and hearts of millions. Lane should be so lucky.

In other news, our book is finally available for purchase. Pre-orders should be filled shortly. It will take a few days for the book to pop up on the retail sites outside of our publisher’s store , but it will be there. Keep checking.

If you’re an eBook reader, The Order of the Blood will be available to you in another matter of days.

We’re very excited and proud to bring you what we think is an original, interesting story of romance, intrigue, and double crossing. Our narrative just happens to have fangs, so the story can sink its teeth into you.

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Radio Stars

the outside lane

We had a great time on the Francy & Friends blogtalk radio show tonight. If you’d like to hear us talking about our methods and madness, click the link below. We come in around the 14 minute mark.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/btrplayer.swf

Listen to internet radio with FRANCY AND FRIENDS on Blog Talk Radio
Explaining the Strange Behavior, Religion

It Is Well

the outside lane

Amy and I talk a lot about religion, having bonded over shared Kool-Aid. We got started on it again today, in part because I’ve had a coincidental lot of people asking me questions about God, and God managing our worries (I make a very poor Shaman, by the way), and because the narrow part of me–the Elese Williams in me–is spitting mad that certain of my former friends and colleagues will take the publication of a vampire novel as evidence that I was, indeed, an Ishmael sent from Satan to distract the fool I nearly married from his ministry.

I said this to Amy, and she understood. She said, “”Lane, you can’t stop him from being wrong. According to [him] what is ‘right’ is if you have no personality, you adore your man and submit blindly, if you blissfully throw your glasses out the window believing for a healing of your eyes, if you shut the door on gays and divorcees so that they may be turned over to satan, and you take money from the mentally ill to store up for them their treasures in heaven… It’s a freaking honor to be told by [him] that you’re Wrong. I only hope I can live my life more Wrong than I have to this point.”

Amy and I are alike there, thus proving them right that I do have a “spirit of rebellion” on me/in me/oppressing me. If being Right means being one of them, bring me the chicken bones and the voodoo stick. Actually, it’s not a spirit of rebellion. It’s a genetic gift from those Williams Girls.

We’ve also been talking about all things turning to the glory of God. The other day, I had to explain to someone that I am pretty much a heathen now. I am as bohemian in my beliefs now, as I once was zealous.

I believe in a Creator. I believe in the person and the godhood/Divinity of Jesus. I choose to follow Jesus’ message as mine, but I also choose not to follow other biblical non-godhead (i.e. Paul, Moses, Jeremiah) edicts about the roles of women in religion, homosexuality, divorce, racism, or–since I’m putting it all out there–genocide, of which the Old Testament is full. See, I’ve been around people who called themselves prophets, said God spoke to them, and built followings on their charisma. I don’t trust any of them. Dead. Alive. Canonized. Dismissed as heretics. I don’t believe in the concept that a man, or group of men can come together and determine which parts of a written narrative are Divine. What you see is my spiritual narrative unraveling before your eyes.

I do realize I am at issue with myself here, because dead, non-godhead people wrote the Gospels. I am afraid if I look at that too closely, I’ll be consoling myself with a version of, “It’s okay. You know how Santa is the ‘spirit of Christmas?’ Well, that’s like how Jesus is the ‘spirit of Christianity.'” I’m not ready to go there yet, though I have a strong suspicion that’s where I’m headed. And maybe that’s all right. I won’t know until I get there, will I?

I’ve always believed that Hell was separation from God. I don’t feel separated from Him. In fact, I feel closer to Him than I ever have. I find gratitude and humility welling up inside me daily, thankful for the blessings of my life, and so very, very humbled that this is the life I get to live. My mornings are filled with thanksgiving that comes from deep inside.

I digress. I said to Amy, regarding God handling your troubles, and all things turning to God’s glory: I believe that if we handle all things in a godly manner, good is bound to come out of it somewhere because…karma.

I mean that in whatever situation we find ourselves, our responsibility is to manage it in such a way that we are purely intentioned, peaceful in delivery, willing to listen in case we have it wrong, patient, careful with the feelings of others, loving, and not hypocrites. If we manage our situations according to those guides, good [no matter how small] will inevitably come, and that goodness is the glory to God.

It isn’t about angels with fiery swords mowing down enemies, so we can dance victoriously on their heads. It’s about a carpenter with a gentle spirit, speaking loving words so that his enemies changed their ways. Meekness.

Amy said: I believe there is a god and he protects the grand scheme of things. I believe he maintains balance in his universe. I believe the earth maintains balance in herself. I do not believe we are individually significant in the greater scheme of things. I believe a system of rewards and punishments has been set up (karma) and we all abide by it whether we like it or not. I do not believe god is handing out pardons like a benevolent governor. I do not believe god cares about your college basketball team. I do not believe god cares where you left your car keys. I do not believe god is so concerned with your “suffering” as you are—I think that after all god has seen, he sees your suffering as “living”.

Then, she said something that turned one of my sacred cows over on its ear. See, for a decade I’ve been saying, “It’s about following the example of Jesus, and living up to the example of his life.” I can bang that drum like nobody’s business. Amy said: “Jesus cannot be anyone’s example because he was a god. People need to get over that. To say he came to earth as a man so we could follow in his steps… look. He turned water into wine. Only kids at Hogwarts can do that, last I checked. And he multiplied loaves and fishes to feed 5,000. To suggest that if you only had enough faith you too could accomplish this is to spit in the eye of the women whose babies are starving.”

Clearly, she and I are talking about different things in Jesus being an example, but I think we both make equally valid points. We aren’t gods, and we can’t perform magic. We can’t expect to be able to wave our hands around and cure cancer like Jesus did. What we can do is open our arms and embrace the sick and work toward their health.

Amy and I know a little bit about spit in our eyes. Amy knows more about it than I do, having had it said to her that it was her lack of faith, and her religious short-comings that made her daughter sick. I was just told that I was spiritually defective for asking questions.

You know, I don’t know where my spiritual journey will take me. I don’t know where I’ll end up in eternity. (Although, I feel like I should be afraid to say that. I’m not. It’s a statement of fact.) All I know is that I can’t ever stop thinking or asking why I believe what I believe, and I have to examine the answers. And I am surprisingly unconcerned. All I can say is that it is well with my soul.