Inside Lane

Potty Mouth

Like many other Americans, I live in a house with a person of the opposite sex. I also grew up in a house with people of the opposite sex, and visited houses where people of the opposite sex lived. To this day, if I go to visit a friend, there is a good chance that someone of the opposite sex also lives in the house with my friend.

I don’t want to shock, or upset you, but in every one of those situations, I have used a unisex toilet.

Please don’t judge me. I have a unisex toilet in my own house.

Actually, I have two. This does sometimes pose a problem in the middle of the night when I don’t turn on the light, and a member of the opposite sex has either left the lid up (and I fall into the toilet when I sit down), or has sprinkled the seat (and I sit down in someone else’s cold urine), but is otherwise manageable.

I am not afraid of unisex toilets, so I started to wonder why other people are. I have come up with this list:

  1. You are afraid someone else is going to try to peep your pee pee.
  2. You are afraid you might try to peep someone else’s pee pee.

I am a fixer, so I tried to solve these problems.

  1. Do not use a public restroom, period.
  2. Seek medical treatment.

If you are really afraid someone is going to try to watch you use the toilet, please know that there are easier ways than climbing over, or under a stall. There are tiny, wireless spy cameras that can be hidden ANYWHERE. I do mean anywhere. I know this because I used to work for a place that used tiny, wireless spy cameras, and hid them EVERYWHERE. I do mean everywhere.

Those tiny cameras give you a much better visual, offer you some variety, and you don’t have to hang out in the actual restroom to get your jollies. You just set up your equipment, then let nature take its course over, and over again. If one of these cameras is set up in a toilet, you probably aren’t going to know about it until someone tells you that her husband came across your amateur video when he was researching porn for his Sunday School class about the evils of such things.

If a creeper is hanging out in the toilet, you’re going to know it, and you should leave immediately, and notify authorities. Just make sure you aren’t calling the police on the toddler who has mashed her face against the hole left by the ripped out toilet paper holder, and is eyeballing your bits to compare against her mother’s. Or the one who has crawled under the stalls and is saying hello to everyone as she goes. Really, children are the worst violators of bathroom privacy.

If you are really and truly worried about what is in a public restroom, other than a vile amount of bacteria, please don’t use one. Please don’t keep other people from being able to use a toilet because you are afraid you might catch a glimpse of genitals that half the population has, and anyone can see on any given episode of Girls, or Game of Thrones.

Bodies are just bodies, people, and a different body making a poop three feet away from you isn’t going to make demons fly up your butt, no matter what my old pastor’s wife said about how people get possessed*.

We all poop. There are books about it, if you don’t believe me. Let’s get over this weird thought that girls go here, and boys go there, and never should they ever share the same seats because…like I said, just about every home in America has a unisex toilet, so we’ve already crossed the streams.


*To be fair, she said people became possessed when demons from the Middle East flew into their eyeballs. She said nothing about butts. My money is on her believing that demons will enema themselves into you, though.




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