That, that, that, that that don’t kill me…

I have Kanye on the brain, so I’ve decided to be as magnificently random. I will not type in all caps, though. I am not shouting at you. Well, I might shout, but I’m not shouting AT you. I’m shouting WITH you.

Things about which I am shouting:

1. Does it seem like Tom Hiddleston’s butt is everywhere? Is he the new Mel Gibson? Remember the 80s, when Mel’s butt was everywhere, and people talked about how it was equality and helpful for women because it was New! Improved! Now Movies with Man Butt! TH seems very proud of his willingness to disrobe, and has talked about how it evens the field for women. Dear Tom Hiddleston, While I appreciate your dedication to your craft (and you know how much I love your Loki), until getting your kit off is less of your idea and more of a job requirement, and the future of your career hinges on whether or not you are willing to show your nalgas, the playing field is not even. Also, there is this little thing called supply and demand. I have come to fear that you are less Patrick Stewart and more Kim Kardashian. I know that breaks your heart. Yours Truly, Lane’s Opinions P.S., I’m not sure you are actually a good actor. I think you might just be tall and British.
2. I’m with Her. I’m with her for a lot of reasons, and at least ten of them have nothing to do with her politics, and everything to do with my projections. I admit this readily. Still, I think if she were a man, we would be having different conversations. And maybe that’s hard to believe if you’ve always gotten to lead the waltz, forward, in your trousers, and your low-heeled shoes, being able to see where you are going, but those of us who have had learn to dance backwards and live our lives trusting you not to run us into the edge of a table, or off a ledge, getting tangled up in slips, skirts, and heels that force us to balance our weight on the balls of our feet, while looking demure-but-not-prudish, welcoming-but-not-inviting, and smart-enough-but-not-threatening know what it means when someone tells us to smile, or asks why we’ve raised our voices, or worries aloud that we look tired.
3. Smile. You’d be a lot prettier if you smiled. You want to know why some women won’t smile at you? Because there are so many men out there who see a smile as an invitation. For some, when a woman turns up her lips, it is a social signal that she is open to the idea of also turning up her legs. I know—that sounds crazy. See above. When a woman smiles, there are a lot of men who take that as an invitation to engage, and then get angry if “she didn’t mean it.” Or “she changed her mind.” Or “she was being a c-cktease.” It’s easier to not smile and only deal with the really crazy ones, who think when a woman goes outside at all it means she’s prowling, than to open yourself up to even more crazies. This is why I love drive-thrus, and avoid convenience stores at all costs.
4. Joel Osteen’s camp is denying that he supports Trump for President. That’s good, I guess. Joel Osteen is charging people to come hear him speak—you know, like Jesus did. Jesus, the guy who sent an invoice for labor when he turned the water into wine, charged for babysitting when he suffered the little children to come unto him, who sued the moneychangers for emotional distress after he had to overturn their tables at Temple, who made the masses sign IOUs for the fishes and loaves, who demanded the life savings from the man, whose child he healed. That Jesus. Maybe Osteen should just go ahead and endorse Trump. We know by them by their fruits, after all. Their huge, luxurious fruits, with which there are no problems–guaranteed.
5. Kenneth Copeland has endorsed Ted Cruz, and Cruz has happily accepted. I’d like to take just a moment to explain Dominionism, a theology both live by. “Dominion Theology is a theocratic ideology that seeks to implement a nation governed by conservative Christians ruling over the rest of society based on their understanding of biblical law. Dominion Theology is related to theonomy, though it does not necessarily advocate Mosaic law as the basis of government.” I worked for Kenneth Copeland Ministries. While I was there, with my very own eyes and ears I saw and heard VERY HIGH UP LEADERSHIP (though not KC himself, or any of his family members, but the people he put in positions of power, and with whom he was close) threatening employees for being Black (yes, you read that right); sexually harassing both men and women; calling minority employees “Beaner”, “Monkey”, “Jigaboo”, and “Blonde Bimbo” (that was me, my nickname from one particular minister was “The Blonde Bimbo” because I was blonde, and female—I’m not sure where he got Bimbo, since my boss requested [through a female member of management because that made it all right] that I start dressing in a prettier, more feminine way, as my boxy sweaters and trousers seemed too masculine); suggest that in the Middle East, desert demons would fly into your body through your eyes and possess you, and that’s what was wrong with all “those people” (okay, that one was a family member); make fun of mentally disabled people, and this isn’t fun anymore so I’m going to quit typing what I saw and heard. I’d just like you to have a teensy eye-witness account of what it’s like to work for a Dominionist so that you can have an idea of what it might be like to be ruled by one. If God put them in power, what they are doing must be okay. They have dominion over you. Super happy fun times! Having faith in Jesus doesn’t automatically make you a good, kind, just, honest person. You can be a racist, sexist, bigoted wad of feces and be a Christian, too. Faith and being-feces are not mutually exclusive.
6. 4 & 5 are two of the reasons I’m with Her. I could be with Kasich, but it’s hard to vote for a guy who isn’t on the ballot, and I’m not going to waste my voice on a write-in.
7. I wish I had an indoor dog.
8. Is there anything better than when people get your sense of humor, and enjoy it?
9. Dear Lane, I think the problem must be you, since whenever you go to see a stylist and say, “Trim,” they cut off at least 3 inches of your hair. Going forward, please use the following verbiage when approaching a stylist, “I do not want a hair CUT. I want you to take off a microbit of the hair just at the very ends. I just want the little grotty bits trimmed off at the very, very bottom. Do not cut more than one inch, or I will scoop all of my hairs up off the floor and stuff them in your face holes.” Maybe that will save you a naked neck. You know you hate when that mole is exposed. Sincerely, Your Head
10. I wish I could rap. I mean, I know a lot of rap songs, but when I try to sing/say them, they don’t sound right. Rapping is an art. (I started to say that spitting rhymes is an art, but it doesn’t even look right when I type it.)
11. Some days, I am very happy with how I look. Some days, I want to quit eating altogether. Some days, I think I am a bad feminist for caring. Some days, I look at Oprah and think, “She has more money than God, and she can’t even rich her way into skinny,” and I feel okay again. Most days, I don’t even think about it, but then I drive past 7 billboards (literally—every day) telling me how happy I would be if I would just let someone cut out half of my stomach, or at least sew half of it shut, and I wonder. I think about Oprah again, who is a billionaire, and a philanthropist, who has changed the face of television and print media, and made a huge impact on actual lives, and I worry that all her accomplishments are a footnote against the fact that she can’t even rich her way into skinny, and I feel sad for humanity.
12. I mean, I really wish I could rap.