The Worst 5 Star Review I’ll Ever Give–until the next one

It seems like we end up at a movie, no matter where we go on vacation.  This past trip was no exception, so we ended up watching Jurassic World in Corpus Christi because air conditioning.  By the time we’d met the two children central to the plot, I wanted dinosaurs to eat them, and their terrible parents.  I’m sorry, Judy Greer.  I was hoping your character would bite it…er…be bitten.

Then, we met Bryce Dallas Howard’s hair, and I wanted something to eat her.  Her boss?  Wanted him eaten.  The secretary sent to take care of the plot-central-children?  Wanted her to be given a medal for having to hang out with those two children, and was hoping maybe she’d get to toss each one to the Sea Monster dinosaur, like a Sea World dolphin trainer.  SPOILER ALERT:  Oh, she got to interact with the Sea Monster all right.

In the control room, we saw that nice corrections officer from Orange is the New Black, and the really annoying guy who isn’t Schmidt, or the basketball player on The New Girl, and since they seemed to want Bryce Dallas Howard to be consumed by a raptor, I was down with them.  This made me fear for their survival.

By the time Chris Pratt appeared, I had despaired of liking any main character.  By the time his character had been well introduced, I was hoping–God forgive me–that we would get a scene that went like this:

Chris Pratt:  That one?  That’s Blue.  Blue’s the Beta.

Red Shirt:  Where’s the Alpha?

Chris Pratt:  I’m the raptors’ Alpha.  They do what I say.

Raptor Charlie:  Did he just?

Raptor Echo:  He did.

Raptor Delta:  Blue?  Blue?

Raptor Blue:  Hold my earrings.

Chris Pratt: I imprint on them at birraarrghgurgledies.

We did not get that scene, but it would have improved the movie 100%.  And yet, had we that scene, we would not have had shot after shot of Chris Pratt doing some FINE “smell the fart” acting.  Listen, I love me some Chris Pratt, and have since Everwood, so I am not knocking his performance.  I asked my husband after the movie, “How difficult do you think it was for him to say those lines with a straight face?”  My husband said, “He gets paid to do that.”  I thought, “Not enough.”

“I imprint on them at birth,” should only be dialog found in a Twilight movie.  Chris Pratt should never have had to say those foul words.  Johnny Karate, no!

Back to the movie.

It was terrible.  You already knew that.  It was terrible.  But once Bryce Dallas Howard loosened up (you could tell because her hair went from straight to curly–if this is how life works, I will always be uptight and professional,) it got really bad because that was when she led the Spoiler into the Spoiler to do the Spoiler.

No one I wanted to be really eaten alive was.  Oh, the body count was high, but none of the people who really deserved it, got it.

The best part of the movie was the air conditioning, and hearing my kid laugh.  He thought the movie was awesome.  So, I’ll give it 5 stars because it did EXACTLY what it was intended to do:  Entertain little kids.