Earlier this year, I learned about ASMR videos on YouTube, and they have become my guilty pleasure. Guilty because I feel like the time Chandler Bing was listening to tapes to stop smoking, and became a strong, confident woman. Pleasure because those things knock me out into a good night’s sleep better than anything other than that coedine cough syrup I wanted to develop a lasting relationship with a few winters ago.
My favorite ASMR content creators are Heather Feather, ASMR Massage/Dimitri, and Psychetruth/Corrina. I skip around to sample other content creators, but I’ve developed imaginary Therapist/Patient relationships with those three (safer than with a narcotic.) I lie still, and they tell me to be quiet, relax, and that everything is going to be okay, sometimes with accompanying Tibetan singing bowls, light brushing sounds, and some laughing–because those Psychetruth content creators can barely take themselves seriously sometime, much less convince me to.
After a few rough days, I decided some positive affirmations were in order, and I pulled up a video labeled as such and settled back. Five minutes later, I was too frustrated to relax. It was worse than the time I tried to meditate. I kept mentally answering the affirmations.
“You are a good person.” Mostly. Yes. Good. I try. Trying is good.
“You work hard.” Yes. That’s true.
“You deserve a break.” I need a break. I don’t know that I deserve one. Coffee is for Closers.
“You deserve to take time just for yourself.” Mmmah…unless it interferes with family.
“You deserve to be happy.” That’s not exactly true. I deserve to be able to pursue happiness, but happiness isn’t owed to me.
“You deserve to do whatever it takes to feel joy.” Uh, no I don’t! No! That is wrong!
“You deserve to do what it takes to make yourself happy.” Is this a justification track for Dexter?! No, no I don’t!
“Everything is going to be okay.” Also not necessarily true!
“You deserve for everything to be okay.” I’m out.
And I was.
I was telling B about it earlier, and he suggested I needed a Demotivator affirmation track. I thought I should do my own. Honest Affirmations by Lane. They would go:
You are a Human Being.
You deserve to be treated with basic respect and dignity.
You deserve to be able to work for a living.
You deserve a safe, secure worksite, with reasonable accommodations.
You deserve to be served by a capable, conscientous government.
You deserve to serve your community.
You should treat everyone as you want to be treated, regardless of the outcome.
You should take care of other people because it is the right thing to do.
You deserve affordable health care.
You deserve affordable food.
You should derive joy from service.
You have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Coffee is for Closers.
I’m not thinking anyone is going to want my track.
The Outside Lane 