I went to do my Well Woman visit this morning.  It’s been a while.  See, my amazing doctor (the one who delivered Thor) decided to leave her practice, and I’ve been dragging my feet on finding a new one.  I went to another doctor within Amazing Doctor’s group, but we didn’t make a love connection.  I need to feel loved before you pop me with a speculum.

I went lady-doctor shopping by way of Google, and started calling around asking who was taking new patients, and who accepted my insurance.  I was pretty happy to find someone with an appointment within 10 days of my call, and at 7:30 in the morning.  Mama has things to do.  I can’t be sitting around waiting rooms.

Listen, the service I got this morning is what EVERY doctor appointment should be.  I was in the office, in the stirrups by 7:45, and walking down to make an appointment for a mammogram by 8:15.  The mammogram shop had an opening, so they took me right in, then I was back in my car, headed to work by 8:52.  When is the last time you’ve been in and out of a doctor’s office that quickly?  Zip, zip, zip.  I loved it!

When the perky, 20-something radiologist was smooshing my boobs into the boob smoosher, she asked, “Did you breastfeed your baby?”

I looked at the breast that the plexiglass device had turned into a sad, white pancake and said, “I did.  They used to look better before that.”

She laughed.  “That’s what I keep hearing.”

This was in keeping with my response to the lady-doctor’s question, “Have you noticed any changes in your breasts lately?”

I said, “Just gravity.”

My grandmother once told me to enjoy my chest while I was young because eventually it would end up looking like a couple of hard boiled eggs drop10997378_10206092580299202_8961651198151435714_oped into the toes of wet stockings.  Good old Grandma.  I’m still about forty years from fitting that graphic depiction, I think–I hope, but time does change a body.

At least the mammogram store had capes that looked nice on me.

If you’ve been putting off your lady visits, stop that.  Find a doctor and go get things checked out.

If you know someone who is medically underserved, or underinsured, have them check out the YWCA.  In Dallas, they help women by providing free mammograms.  If you know someone who can’t make time for self-care because it is cutting into her spa time, have her check out Methodist Hospital’s Monday Night Mammogram.  From valet parking to a chair massage, they are putting the aaaaaaaaah in mammogram.  There wasn’t an aaaaaaaaaaaah before, but now there is.  Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaahmmogram.

Whatever–Google Free Mammograms for your area, then go get yourself taken to second base.  You’ll be glad you did.