Inside Lane

Dance on Pain of Death

Oops. I’ve forgotten to blog. I’m days behind on my wedding playlist. Sorry about that! BUT, next on the list has a great story behind it.

Clearly, I love Ella Fitzgerald, so I could easily have just made a playlist of her renditions, but this one was a Must Have.

B and I did not have a big wedding. We did not have a big reception. My ideal reception, for as long as I can recall, has been, “Cake, punch, 20-minutes, and I’m out of there.” So, that was pretty much the plan*.

A reception takes longer than 20-minutes, though, so we were in it for the 2 hours that the church would allow us use of the reception hall. All this information was laid out by a woman we lovingly (no) called The Church Nazi.

This woman was about 102-years-old, and very, very serious about us not having the time of our lives. She laid down the law about everything from how we kissed (No Open Mouths), to respectable forms of dress. Since the only music allowed was from the in-house Organ of Doom, we had to choose from a very specific list of songs last popular in 1803. But most important: No Dancing.

Dancing, as you know, is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire, and under the eyes of God is the last place a husband and wife should be thinking late thoughts (because all any woman can think about while she’s wearing Spanx and a full-length compression slip is getting undressed so that her beloved can see the lines left behind by her Spanx and full-length compression slip–shudder.) Dancing makes the Baby Jesus cry, and we all know what happens when the Baby Jesus cries. DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Anyway, The Church Nazi seemed to start and end every conversation with us with a word about NO DANCING. It was like the librarian ghost in Ghostbusters. She was normal normal normal NO DANCING!!! And she would say NO DANCING in a tone that suggested we planned to desecrate the altar.

So, when I was putting together our playlist, I put this song right in the middle. We would not dance. No sir. We would not dance at all. Ever. Uh uh. Merci Beaucoup. Because music leads the way to romance, so dear Church Nazi, no, we will not dance!

*And we planned and put down deposits on everything before announcing we were engaged because I was afraid of ending up having the wedding of someone else’s dreams. There is not enough Xanax in the world.

Also, we planned our wedding in 2 weeks. I am an event planning ninja.

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