Category: guest article

guest article

Should I Buy This House?

the outside lane

I am in an industry that is heavy on mortgage lending, and the less scrupulous lenders love to corner renters and say, “But you could save so much money if you’d buy!  Interest rates have never been lower, and you’d be building equity!  If you’re paying $1500 to rent, you could be paying $1100 to own!”  It’s hard to say no to an extra $400 in your pocket every month, but before you start down that road, you need to find out if you get to keep that $400.

My sweet friend, Gina, wrote this piece regarding homeownership and I asked if I could repost it here.  I would encourage everyone to read it, especially first time home buyers.  I’ve been through the buying process before, and her words pointed out a thing or two that I hadn’t thought of then, but will definitely consider for later.

Take it away, Gina:

Can I Afford This House? (or Is it the Right Time for Me to Buy?)

I muddled over the idea of buying for many years. I’d always been a renter. I was raised the child of a renter. Owning seemed like something others did. One day it dawned on me that I wanted in on this. I wanted Home Pride, and to own a tiny little piece of something. I watched the market go up up up and then down down down. I really had very little concept (and honestly still get confused on how to figure compounded interest, and wonder exactly what escrow is), but I knew when it hit the lowest that if I was going to dive into this pool, this was the time to do it.

Fortunately by sheer luck I found a very patient, very astute real estate agent. Unfortunately, there was still so much I didn’t understand beyond mortgage payments. Below is a small list of “Should Considers” I wish somebody had written, and then stapled to the front door of the condo I bought. I don’t know with certainty if it would have made a difference, but perhaps my lack of complete understanding will help someone else.

If you are like a portion of the population who has scrimped and saved for years to get that perfect 20% down payment, buying right now, just might be the right answer. You probably will never see interest rates which are reaching down into low 3%’s ever again. The market is a free for all, made for buyers with low cost opportunities in short sales, and foreclosures, as well as bottom of the barrel priced standard sales.

The first question you need to settle is “What can I afford?”.

Generally speaking a mortgage lender will sit down with you, go over your finances, and income and the two of you will come to a conclusion on what is within your range of affordability. Remember, nowadays most lenders do not want to put you into a place you can’t afford, because your failure is their loss.If you’ve rented your entire life, understand a few basics that will increase, or perhaps for the first time become your concern.

New utilities: Generally speaking a renter pays electricity, gas, and cable. Most apartments cover the cost of water, and trash. Some even cover a few of the aforementioned. Maybe you’ve spent a lifetime only paying electricity.

Ask the questions and take a look at if your dryer line or water heater is gas or electric. Who would your ultility company be? Ask neighbors if they can give you a ballpark figure on what the water rates are, because they could differ greatly in your new area. If you’re new to this utility company understand you might get hit with a security deposit as well.

HOA’s or Homeowners Association Dues: Ever drive through some of those affluential neighborhoods with the perfectly manicured hillsides spelling out the community name in plants and hedges? With greenbelts that look like golf courses? Community swimming pools and tennis courts? Wonder how they got there, or are so well taken care? That that would be your neighborhood HOA.

Homeowners associations create and maintain the rules of the complexes, also known as CCR’s. This keeps your shared grasses green, and your homes in uniform colors, Leeping that colorful neighbor of yours from painting his home bright purple. Most all condominiums will request an annual or monthly HOA.

Before falling in love with the house that meets your budget perfectly, check and see if there are HOA’s. Or possibly even two. That city maintained lake, or public looking golf course might just be paid for by the residents of the area. While some cities and communities charge a pittance of $30 per year, some can run as high as $300-$500.00 per month.

Location, location, location: Assuming you are buying your new home as a residence for yourself, location is going to be very important. Living near a high school might seem perfect for getting that tired teen up in the morning – SO CLOSE!, but recall that most high schools have football teams, and most of those teams have home games. Are you going to be okay with the sound of the crowds cheering, or the amplified noise of the half-time band a few Friday’s of the month?

Also, will your new location be closer or further to work? An extra 5 miles each way might seem worth the luxury of your new home, but over a period of only one year that can add up to an additional $10,000.00 in gasoline costs, not to mention the added 2600 miles you place on your car. In some areas, you might have the priviledge of a toll road. Are you willing to budget another 150.00 a month in toll costs?

Private Mortgage What?: If you are not lucky enough to have the 20% down payment, don’t fret. Many lenders will still work with you via programs like FHA, based on 5% of the value of your home. But as the saying goes, you never get something for nothing. The lender needs to insure that they won’t lose their funding in the case of a foreclosure, and this is where private mortgage insurance comes into play.

PMI’s vary based on the amount you put down, but until your home has a 20% stake in it, expect to tack on a few hundred dollars more a month towards your PMI for the first five years.

Homeowners Insurance: Homeowners insurance is relatively low in comparison with the costs of a lot of the above listed. Many wil take a small deposit and bill you monthly for the remainder for six months to a year. Shop smartly for insurance. Many times the company you purchase your car insurance will create a bundle package to get both home and auto under the same umbrella.

Appliances: You’ve bought the new house, and it’s coming together quite well, but perhaps you wanted to upgrade to all stainless steel appliances. Maybe the home came without a stove, or washer-dryer or perhaps you bought a foreclosure “As-Is” and you are responsible for all new lighting fixtures. Maybe you want new dishes to go in your new perfect kitchen. Factor in the cost of your dreams if you are using credit for these purchases. Those new balances on the credit cards can triple quite quickly!

If you use a credit card with an interest free time period, really use that time to pay this down to a zero balance, or you’ll find yourself running in place getting nowhere with future payments.

Owning your first new home is a wonderful and exhilarating thing. Sadly, waking up three months down the road, gulping for air in a panic attack because the abovementioned bills are squeezing you tight, is only going to make you nostalgic for the good old renters days.

Generally speaking if you were living comfortably on your salary before the purchase, but not able to get ahead more than a few months at a time, reconsider your purchase. If you are absolute about the timing being perfect, factor in a smaller dream home, or a slightly less expensive location.

I recall thinking when I was purchasing, that this new home would only run me $100.00 more than my current rent. That’s only 25.00 a week!! I knew if I wasn’t going to jump in the pool now, it would never happen. By absolute chance I came across a very understanding and patient real estate agent, and set about to look for my dream home.

I shopped carefully with my mortgage plan in hand, oooh’d and ahhh’d and grimaced until I found that gem that spoke to me. The price was right, and in fact in the median of my price range — the location was a little further, but it held my heart. What I didn’t factor in were nearly all of the above mentioned, and soon enough I found myself in that panicked drowning state. Ultilities were much higher, I wasn’t aware that my HOA didn’t cover water, and soon found that with my new washer, water wasn’t cheap!

I do rely on the toll roads. That $100.00 increase a month that I budgeted for is closer to $650.00 a month and as imagined a few months later I was starting to feel the pinch.I’ve gotten back on my feet since then, but the learning experience was a big one.

There were some short sighted moments that instead of hanging on, I considered silently slipping away in the dead of the night and letting it be someone else’s problem. I’m glad I stuck it out, but I really would have appreciated knowing thenwhat I know now.

If your rent was 1500.00 look at payments that might be closer to 1100.00including HOA. Understand that you are responsible for fixing, and updating everything confined in those walls. Most of all remember you are going to really have to save for that rainy day now, especially if with the rain, comes a leak!

Friends of Mine, guest article, Politics

Droning On Indefinitely

the outside lane

As you know, my husband used to blog for Free Air and Water with his friend Jon–they really need to bring that back.  Let’s start a petition!  Jon is a favorite of mine to read when it comes to–well, anything he writes about.  So, I thought I would do us all a favor and ask him to write a guest article for The Outside Lane.  I asked Jon to write about the Obama Administration’s war policy, drone strikes in particular.  I am distressed by the casual dismissal of civilian life as acceptable collateral damage, and truly concerned with indefinite detention of citizens.  

This isn’t your usual Lip Gloss blog from me, but it is extremely important information.  Neither Jon, nor I will tell you how to vote, how we think you should vote, and I won’t tell you how I am voting (other than to say, “Ugh! Is this all I have to choose from?!”), but as Jon said, no matter which party or platform you support: “The power you trust ‘your guy’ with will be exercised by the other guy.”  Be informed about how we are treating innocents during wartime, and how we are gearing up to treat our own citizens.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Jon:

Since September 11th, 2001, the United States government has launched at least 330 drone strikes on Pakistan and at least 28 in Yemen. The uncertainty exists because this program, despite being commonly known, remains officially secret. These drones, or Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs), are relatively new and raise a number of troubling questions. The manner in which they are employed raises many more.

Before I begin, let me say that I am deliberately starting with the basics and am not trying to condescend to anyone. Lane has been kind enough to offer me her audience and I do not mean to talk down to you, however, this issue is so important that I want to be certain I am as clear as I can be and that everyone, whatever their previous level of engagement with this issue, is able to understand the issue and the arguments I am making.

Much has been said about drones and their capacity for “remote controlled death.” In itself this is hardly new; artillery crews have been bringing death from afar for centuries. However, these aircraft are able to remain airborne for long periods, are relatively unobtrusive, are inexpensive compared to conventional aircraft, and most importantly do not put American pilots at risk. They are not, in Yemen and Pakistan, being employed in lieu of artillery or conventional aircraft. Their greater precision relative to artillery and conventional airstrikes makes them more tolerable for the Yemeni and Pakistani governments, which see the targets of these strikes as a common enemy. If drones did not exist or were not employed, we would not be shelling or bombing Pakistan and Yemen; we simply would not be engaged in these countries. Therefore, the common argument that these strikes are “better” because they “spare” civilians is fallacious.

Further, how many civilians have been killed? Despite claims of certainty, we simply do not know. Whenever you hear administration officials or media personalities claiming that these strikes have killed some vanishingly small number of civilians, remember that the administration officially classifies all dead males as militants unless proven otherwise. That is to say, if a drone strike kills fifteen men, all fifteen are classed militants unless they are conclusively proven not to be. They are guilty until proven innocent, and no effort is made to prove them innocent. Considering that these societies often strictly segregate men and women, they feature few mixed gatherings, and thus these strikes- usually targeted on a man- will generate large numbers of male casualties, casualties that are all described, by the administration and by the compliant media, as “militants.” The unfortunate truth is that we simply have no idea how many innocents have been killed in these attacks.

The use of drones to expand the battlefield and the near-certainty that they are killing more innocents than we are told are in themselves troubling enough. However, the Obama administration has expanded their use in another, extremely troubling way- these drones have been used to carry out the extrajudicial killing of American citizens.

Here I want to digress into history. The idea that a government cannot put citizens to death without trial is an extremely old one. It is not a modern notion. It is not a right created by the ACLU in litigation before the Supreme Court. It was not dreamed up by hippies, left-wingers, or bleeding hearts. It dates back, in the West, to those sternest of stern, hard men, the Romans, who exiled Cicero for executing rebels without trial upon the advice of the Senate. It was first claimed in the Anglo-Saxon world not by starry-eyed dreamers but by the English barons at Runnymede in 1215, who in the Magna Carta asserted that “no free man shall be taken, imprisoned, or in any other way destroyed except by the lawful judgment of his peers.” In its modern form, as the writ of habeas corpus (Latin for “you shall present the body”), it dates to 1640, when the English Parliament, outraged by King Charles I ordering the imprisonment and execution of Englishmen from his secret Star Chamber, passed the Habeas Corpus Act.

The right to free from imprisonment and execution without trial is a right older and more fundamental than freedom of speech, freedom of religion, or freedom from slavery. It antedates by centuries such basic notions as women’s suffrage and the abolition of serfdom. And it is under attack.

The Obama administration has established a new Star Chamber and called it due process. Targets for drone strikes are chosen in secret meetings of administration officials, with the final decision resting with the President himself. So far, this Star Chamber has ordered the execution of Anwar al-Awlaki and, in a separate attack, his 16-year-old son, Abdulrahman al-Awlaki. This man and his son were both American citizens, and they were both executed by the American government without trial and without even the opportunity for trial. Neither was ever indicted. The elder al-Awlaki created a number of videos for YouTube and authored a number of articles calling for jihad against the United States government. The younger was nothing but his father’s son. However, what is important to keep in mind is that our government is not supposed to be permitted to kill citizens without trial, whatever henious crimes they are accused of. We try unrepentant child molesters, confessed serial killers, armed robbers caught on camera.

Perhaps the objection will be made that these citizens were beyond the reach of the American government. First, this claim is demonstrably false by the fact of their execution. Second, other criminals beyond the reach of our government are not summarily executed. Roman Polanski, accused of the oral, anal and vaginal rape of a young girl, has not been executed by drone. Instead the legal forms are observed, his extradition requested, and when denied, statements are issued. Perhaps attempting the capture of the al-Awlakis would have risked the lives of American soldiers. We routinely risk the lives of American policemen who attempt to apprehend armed and dangerous suspects; we do not simply rocket the house we believe the suspects to be in. We do this because these legal forms are not mere formalities; they are the very foundation of liberty, of what it means to be free men and women. If our government can execute at will, we have lost our freedom and exist only on the sufferance of whoever the President happens to be.

Perhaps you are saying, “So what? I’m not a terrorist nor do I associate with terrorists, and besides, it was only two people.” It is important to remember the tremendous significance of precedents in our system. These executions, if allowed to go unchallenged and unpunished, will establish ordering the deaths of citizens as one of the powers of the President provided he thinks very hard about it and talks to a number of his appointed lackeys about it first.

Perhaps you trust President Obama with this power. That has been the response of certain administration lickspittles to concerns about extraconstitutional activities by the President. However, even if you have absolute faith in Obama and the Democratic Party, remember that just eight short years ago this country re-elected George W. Bush and will no doubt elect another Republican president before the decade is out. The power you trust “your guy” with will be exercised by the other guy, and having defended their existence now, you will not have much ground to stand on then.

So what can you do now? At this point, the most important thing is spreading awareness. I would like to thank Lane for giving me this forum and if you, having read this essay of mine share my concern for the ancient right of free men and women to be free from the threat of execution without trial, feel free to share it further or to write your own. Discuss these attacks with your friends and family and consider them before you cast your vote or advocate for a particular candidate in November. I will refrain from advising you how to vote, but you should be aware that both major party candidates support these drone strikes as well as the extrajudicial killing of American citizens. Once the right to a trial is lost, it will be very difficult to win back, and we are at the point of losing it if we do not stand up and defend it.

Chef Lane, guest article, Women Worth Knowing

Tarts

the outside lane

Used by permission, copyright Julie Anne Rhodes.
You will remember the remarkable and charming Julie Anne Rhodes from her Women Worth Knowing profile, or from her blog Jewels from the Roving Stove, or from her photos on the social pages. However, you should remember her–because she is remarkable and charming.

She asked for restaurant spies to share about hidden gems in their eating adventures, and I passed along this bijou about Lavendou, a lovely French bistro in Dallas.
Check out her blog. She shares wonderful recipes, information on preparation and kitchen tips, and dishes up just as much wit as wisdom. I have her on my blogroll. You should, too!

40 in 52, guest article, Women Worth Knowing

Everything Must Go: Guest Article

the outside lane

Do you remember Valarie? If you haven’t read her Women Worth Knowing profile yet, do that. But don’t let it distract you from the following article she wrote.

Yet here I was on my 39th birthday strapped up to an EKG, fat, lonely and in tears. What had happened to me? I knew I had to go deeper and do more. It wasn’t just about the weight. It was about everything. How did I fix everything? Shouldn’t I just pack it in and accept that I was going to be a fat, miserable person for the rest of my life? I was caught up in my head, thoughts spinning and hope dwindling. I wanted to change but I just couldn’t seem to manage it. A line from my journal from that year reads “I feel like I’m swimming thru glue”.

I know Valarie as an amazing, honest, brave woman, so I asked her to share her adopted life philosophy with us. Always looking to live better, Valarie has faced down some personal demons that are triggers for a lot of women–that are triggers for me. Perfectionism, binge eating, over-spending, clutter. I always look for her posts on LiveJournal and gobble them up because it is a rare post that doesn’t give me some full meal or crumb of knowledge. Eventually, she’s just going to have to write a book. Until then, we’ve got this from her.

Everything Must Go
by Valarie

My 39th birthday started with a bang. I spent the first few hours in the emergency room because I was convinced I was having a heart attack. I was at work and had been experiencing a dull pain in my left arm all night. Of course because I was now 39 and therefore ancient, this meant that I was having a heart attack, not that I’d overdone it with the massive spring cleaning/organizing I’d done the day before. I was 39, overweight and with a grandfather who had died of heart disease. There was no other explanation – I was having a heart attack. I promptly gave myself a panic attack just thinking about it and a caring, calm co-worker drove me to the hospital.

Luckily the EKG showed no evidence of a heart attack and the caring, calm doctor gently suggested it might have been muscle pain from the massive cleaning binge the day before. I left with my very own copy of my birthday EKG and promptly went home and had a good old cry.

Where was I going and what sort of state was I in that I automatically assumed 39 plus arm pain equaled heart attack? I was a mess. I’d been overweight most of my life. It was a fact of life for me. I moved to California 10 years ago to escape my problems. It was a total shock to me to discover that I’d only brought them with me. Yes, I left the bad relationship and the hometown blues behind me but a great many of my issues were in my own head and these traveled those 3000 miles along with me.

Within two years of moving here I had gained over 100 lbs. I’d done Atkins and Weight Watchers and many other diet plans and potions including Xenadrine. I weighed more than I ever had in my life. I was so stunned that life in California wasn’t automatically absolutely perfect that I just ate and ate and ate. It was my way of coping with things and had been for years. I slept and I ate. In between I worked at a job I hated. Sadly, I was still happier than I’d been back east so I didn’t really need to look at me. It was just the weight. If I could get that off, all would be perfect.

Even when I got a job I loved I still ate. 16 hours sleeping followed by eating a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder Value Meal and then an entire bag of potato chips was the norm for me on my days off.

I was in therapy and on antidepressants. Both helped so much but I knew deep within my heart that there was more. I wasn’t where I wanted to be physically or emotionally. I realized that I had a binge drinking issue and stopped the vodka. I realized that I had an overspending issue and gradually conquered that. I read the Melody Beattie books on co-dependency religiously (5 years with an alcoholic and addict had left me ragingly codependent).

Yet here I was on my 39th birthday strapped up to an EKG, fat, lonely and in tears. What had happened to me? I knew I had to go deeper and do more. It wasn’t just about the weight. It was about everything. How did I fix everything? Shouldn’t I just pack it in and accept that I was going to be a fat, miserable person for the rest of my life? I was caught up in my head, thoughts spinning and hope dwindling. I wanted to change but I just couldn’t seem to manage it. A line from my journal from that year reads “I feel like I’m swimming thru glue”.

I tried to look at my accomplishments and how far I’d come and that worked at times. But I couldn’t escape from the overwhelming feeling of failure. I floundered for quite a while, wanting so much and feeling unable to achieve it.

Every year, I would go on vacation (usually to follow my favorite band – the Manic Street Preachers – around England) and find myself really motivated to change. I could clear my head of work drama and other drama and really know that I wanted to change. Unfortunately little came of these vacation realizations. Some small changes were made yet my deep dissatisfaction remained.

A few months after my 39th birthday, the band announced their first US tour in 10 years. I’d gone to England 3 times in the last few years to see them but had missed their last tour due to financial issues. I was over the moon that they were touring the US and planned to attend 8 shows with my friend Katie. The excitement of planning that kept me going for a while and then the actual tour itself was amazing. Each show was incredible and I had so much fun dancing and singing and chatting with friends and meeting the band and driving across the east coast and Canada. It was perfect and just what I needed to boost my mood.

One of my favorite Manics’ songs is called Everything Must Go. They played it at every show. It’s a crowd pleaser – very upbeat, lots of shouting. I came home from that tour and wrote in my journal “My life feels too small now.” And I came back to Everything Must Go and realized that was what had to happen. Everything had to go – not just the weight but the old thought patterns, old habits, everything that was holding me back. My 40th birthday would be in a few months and this was my gift to myself.

Everything Must Go:
– the weight
– the health issues
– the lack of self care
– the physical dirt (my apartment was a complete mess)
– the mental dirt
– the outdated ideas
– the self loathing
– the half finished projects
– the sense of not deserving
– the financial mess
– the putting everything else ahead of me
– the lack of following my dreams (writing)
– the self doubt

Everything.

I sat down and came up with achievable one year goals for myself. I made to-do lists. I kept going but I also kept struggling. I took a huge step of giving up a major work project that I loved but which triggered my controlling and codependency and was just making me utterly miserable.

As part of my determination to lose weight, I ordered some diet books from Amazon. Not the traditional ‘do this diet plan’ books but first person accounts from people who’d lost weight and kept it off. The first book to arrive, serendipitously on New Year’s Day, was “Hungry” by Alan Zadoff. I began to read it and found myself getting intensely angry. My head was pounding and I was so enraged that I couldn’t focus on reading. I had to put the book aside and pick it up the next day after I’d had some time to think about things.

Why did I have such a visceral reaction? Because it was me. His story was my story. He binged on food, used it to deal with uncomfortable emotions, hid himself behind tons of extra weight. He was telling my story. He revealed himself to be a food addict. He had an eating disorder – compulsive overeating. This was physical as well as mental. I devoured the book and then just sat in shock. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t a freak. I wasn’t just a big fat lazy pig. I had an actual illness.

He suggested making lists of red, yellow and green foods. Red foods were your ‘trigger foods’, the foods that you couldn’t eat without overeating/binging on. Yellow foods were foods that could potentially cause a binge. Green foods were food you could eat and eat normal portions of. Immediately I made my lists. It hurt me to think I that I could not eat these foods that were so beloved to me. No McDonald’s, no cupcakes, no icing straight out of the can, no potato chips. I was addicted to them. I had no chance of a normal relationship with them. I could no more eat a normal portion size of potato chips than I could bench press 200 lbs.

My therapist had mentioned Overeaters Anonymous to me before but I’d immediately dismissed it. I wasn’t ‘one of them’. I wasn’t a ‘big fat pig who couldn’t control their eating’ (my perception of people in OA – and fittingly enough, an accurate description of me as well). I didn’t need meetings with other fat people to help me. I just needed willpower. I was weak and just needed to ‘man up’ and do what needed to be done.

“Hungry” showed me what a lie that was. Willpower had failed me. I wasn’t weak – I had a disease. If I had diabetes, would I think myself weak for having to take insulin? No. This was the same thing. Biological and genetic components combine with personality and emotions and voila, you have a food addict. You have me.

I’d been to 12 step meetings with friends before and I loved them. The sense of unconditional acceptance, the sense of not being alone – I wished I was an addict or alcoholic so I could keep going and feel that love. Now I was to get my wish. I did research on OA and found that I could go to online meetings in a chat room. I went to my first meeting the night after finishing “Hungry”. I took my first step: “Hi, I’m Valarie and I’m a compulsive overeater.” I was blown away by the love and acceptance. Finally I’d found ‘my people’. I wasn’t a Special Snowflake with a problem so unique no one could possibly understand it. I was part of a group and there was hope.

I had a lot to learn. I had to practice abstinence – avoiding my trigger foods. I had to look at trigger behaviors as well as trigger foods. For example, I work graveyards, 6 pm until 6 am. Usually every night around 2 or 3 am, I start getting tired. This means I don’t feel like eating. I just want my bed. This causes my blood sugar to drop which makes me cranky which makes me reach for the easiest, most familiar form of comfort – my trigger foods. I’d not eat after 2 am but then driving home at 6 am I’d stop at Jack In The Box and pig out. To help with this, I have more smaller meals including a snack around 5 am – an apple and a piece of string cheese. This boosts my blood sugar and doesn’t leave me ravenous and craving trigger foods.

I have a food plan – a list of foods that I eat. I take enough food plan food with me to work so that I’m not tempted to order in or go get fast food on my lunch break. I was never big on breakfast. Waking up at 4 pm, I never really felt like eating. Now I get up and have a bowl of Special K. This again helps keep my blood sugar levels even and leaves me much less likely to have cravings for trigger foods. I go grocery shopping only with a list of food plan foods.

To me and other food addicts, eating a trigger food is the same as an addict shooting up. I think of that mental image each time I want to eat about something – I picture myself with a needle in my arm because that’s just what a trigger food is to me.

This has not been all sunshine and roses. My first month was amazing. I was motivated, I was excited, I was doing this! Then real life crept in as it has a habit of doing and I found myself struggling. Now I wasn’t just dealing with the food but was dealing with the emotions underneath it. When I was upset, I never had to feel those feelings – I just ate until they were suppressed. Now I had to face feelings and deal with life without my crutch of food.

How did I do this? One day at a time. Yes, it’s a slogan but it works. Sometimes one minute at a time. I followed the 12 steps. I gave up my self will and surrendered to my Higher Power (HP). Some days this was easy while others I was grim and whiteknuckled, praying just to get thru the next 5 minutes without going out and going to McDonalds. I went to meetings, I joined email groups, I read a ton of literature and books. I re-read “Hungry”, I wrote in my journal, I prayed A LOT.

I spent my 40th birthday at home, reflecting on where I had been and where I wanted to go. After 6 weeks in OA, I was already happier and finally felt I was moving forward. I didn’t have many regrets about turning 40. Sure, I wished I’d learned some of these lessons years ago but on that day, I knew that I liked myself and that I was finally doing what I needed to do and that felt great.

I was not only doing the 12 steps of OA but also CODA – Codependents Anonymous. I knew both were problems and though I regularly read my codependent books, I knew I wasn’t really working the program. The two issues were intertwined and there was really no recovery from one without recovery from the other. As I got better, I knew there was more work that I had to do. It was almost like an archaeological dig – uncovering layer after layer and learning about myself. I’ve really had to ‘work the steps’ and not just give lip service to the process.

Losing weight helped but surprisingly wasn’t as important as I thought it was. I was feeling better overall. My emotions weren’t all over the place. I actually let myself have emotions. Those old thought patterns that I’d listed on my EMG list were changing. I have a twelve step workbook and try to write in it every day. I’m overcoming my resistance to the 4th Step (the long one where you write out your history) and working on it. I’m able to look at things that happen from a different perspective. And I’m happier, which is very weird for me. I have a level of contentment that I never thought I’d have.

I’m 4 months abstinent and have released 30 lbs so far. I have a budget and I stick to it. I pay my bills on time. I’ve completed so many unfinished projects, especially around the house. I have cleaners come in once a month to clean my apartment. I read my recovery books regularly and write in my workbook and journal.

Most importantly, I have bad days, sometimes even bad weeks. But I don’t eat about it. I distract myself, I write about it, I go to a meeting, do whatever I need to in order to get thru it without eating. I even let myself feel my emotions – even the uncomfortable ones. I don’t beat myself up every day. I still do beat myself up from time to time – my inner perfectionist is fighting hard to stay and not go away – but I can recover and again, I don’t eat over it, drink over it or overspend over it. It is not easy but I want this for myself. Finally I figured out what I need to do and I’m doing it.

I finally added in exercise last month. I add in things gradually as time passes. I try new foods, change up the food plan, increase my walking pace and time – but all at a reasonable achievable level. I was nearly completely sedentary so to expect myself to walk for hours on end at a high rate of speed was just ridiculous. I remembered what I used to be able to do when I was going to the gym regularly and had to throw that vision of myself out for now. This is where I am now and so this is where I have to focus.

My inner perfectionist fights this – “You should be able to change it all now once and forever! You’re a big fat slob!” etc., but I’m getting much better at shutting her up and taking it one step at a time, one day at a time, one minute at a time.

I’ve just reviewed my one year goals and adjusted them. My desired weight loss for that time period wasn’t realistic. Now it is, based on the rate I’ve been losing weight. I’m getting much better at getting out of my own way. I surrender all of my issues to my Higher Power every day and it works. Some days this is harder than others, but I still do it.

I’m gradually getting back in touch with my spirituality. I’d let that lapse a few years ago. Why would I need that when I was running the world? Once I realized that my attempts to control the world weren’t working and got into OA, I was able to also realize that I needed help. For now, I’m content to call that help my Higher Power and I love that in OA you can conceptualize your HP exactly as you need him/her/it to be. I realize that I am a spiritual being and I need that to be an important part of my life, not just in an ‘Oh God, please make me thin!’ kind of way. Developing that relationship with HP is now something I do every day, just like eating food plan food, getting on the treadmill and writing in my journal.

Epilogue:

I just had my worst week ever since I started EMG. Major work drama happened that pushed my buttons and I let myself get sucked in instead of focusing and maintaining my distance. I was unexpectedly stabbed in the back and I was utterly miserable. I had one day where I thought I was literally going insane. Trying to deal with emotions – primarily a lot of pain and anger – without the food to numb them was nearly unbearable. I could taste the food, feel the beloved numbness and wanted them so badly. I knew I could easily stop at the store and purchase my numbness in just a few quick minutes.

But I kept picturing that needle in my arm. Yes, I had a long way to go. Yes, I was discouraged because during the previous two weeks, I had hit a plateau and not lost any weight. Yes, that inner perfectionist came roaring back with diatribes on what a failure I was and how I should just give up because I’d never succeed at anything. I could do what I wanted – OA members would be supportive of a ‘relapse’, so would my friends. No one would criticize me – except for me.

I didn’t go for the food. I wanted to more than I have ever wanted anything in a long time. I didn’t go for vodka or shopping either. I don’t know how I got thru. I cried a lot and felt those damned emotions that I hated and didn’t want. I prayed a lot thru the tears. I sobbed out my surrender to HP, I yelled it out thru the pain and I made it a silent mantra. Forget about one day at a time; I was getting thru one second at a time by the skin of my teeth.

I got thru. Not on my own but with the grace and guidance of my HP. I fought tooth and nail but eventually surrendered and gave up my attempts to control the universe. I stuck to my food plan and didn’t binge or eat trigger foods. I kept up with my exercise and even added in walking on my lunch break at work three days in a row.

I did sleep a lot. Sleep has been my go-to stress reliever since I was a child. But this time even that was still different. I didn’t call off work sick and spend days in bed ignoring anything and everything while I wallowed in victim mode. I just slept a few more hours on my days off. I still worked out, still ate my food plan and still read my books and wrote in my journal. I got thru it. It was ugly and painful and nowhere near that perfectionism my inner voice wanted but I got thru it. I learned the lesson and instead of wallowing in pain and self-pity, I’m moving forward one step at a time.

This week I noticed some overdraft charges on my bank account. This means I need to take a closer look at my finances and how to better manage them. This makes me frustrated. But, another day, another step, another lesson. I’m in a much better position than I was 5 months ago and in 5 months from now I’ll be in still a better position. 42.