Advice, Television, Uncategorized

Boardwalk, Boobies, and Biology


B and I started (and caught up completely with) Boardwalk Empire recently.  Aside from the gore and non-stop parade of boobies*, I really enjoy the show.  It has a) the most beautiful costumes on television, b) the most beautiful hair on television (Kelly MacDonald, I’m talking about you), and c) one of my all-time favorite actors and weird crushes, Steve Buscemi. (He won me over with Ghost World.)

*Parades of Boobies made me think of this:

The other night, B mentioned the potential for a new law in Saudi Arabia, forcing women with pretty eyes to cover them up. [Story here, and also worth mentioning how romantically B brought the story up, after having been gazing into my eyes…hee!]  Ladies with “tempting” eyes could be forced to hide their peepers, in order to keep men from lusting.

Worn for your lustproof protection.

I was trying to think how we could help these men, because if eyeballs are enough to jimmy their johnsons, then the shape of a woman’s head in her veil might do the trick too.  What I came up with was a version of the old Karate-Kid-in-a-shower costume, where the ladies wear halos of metal that start above their heads, enshrouding them in dark cloth that falls to their feet, and does not touch their body at any point.

Rather than the shower head, they would have a periscope for navigation.  That way, a man would never have to be tempted by any part of the woman.  Granted, there will always be the trollops whose gait makes those shower curtains sway alluringly, so there really isn’t a fix at all.

My modest proposal is that the men who find themselves affected by lust, whose own eyes offend them, should pluck out those eyes.  The problem isn’t the ladies, boys.  The problem is you.

And, the problem is repression.  When you ask people to pretend that they aren’t AT ALL interested in having sex, you are asking people to deny an innate need and function.  Sex, like eating, sleeping, and pooping, is a biological imperative.  And just like eating, sleeping, and pooping, sex can be fantastic fun, or even boring with awful repercussions.  It’s just a thing.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to do it.  There is nothing wrong with doing it.  You just have to be intelligent about it.  You don’t eat rat poison pellets, you don’t sleep on railroad tracks, you don’t poop in the refrigerator, you don’t have sex indiscriminately or without protection.
Because eating/sleeping/pooping can’t get you (or anyone else) pregnant, you do have to take some extra precautions with sex. My advice is this:  Only have actual sex with someone when you can afford to have and are okay with the idea of having babies with them.  Be sure they feel the same way, otherwise, it can end up being a lifetime of poop in the refrigerator**.
If we allow ourselves to feel biological impulses without glorifying or denying them, then we are a lot less likely to try to quash all triggers.  When you have a healthy idea of sex and sexuality, then a girl with pretty eyes is just that:  A girl with pretty eyes.  When you are unhealthy, she is a devil woman, just trying to tempt and trap you with her long, luscious lashes.
I’d like us all to be healthy.  In private, of course.
**Ultimate “poop in the refrigerator” scenario to me is getting pregnant out of wedlock, then having to share custody of an infant child with someone I wouldn’t even want to date.  Can you imagine how awful that would feel?  It’s bad enough taking your baby to daycare, but you know you are paying those professionals to keep the baby healthy.  I cannot even imagine having to turn my child over to some yokel every weekend, who may, or may not remember to feed him–or might not feed him on purpose.  Or worse.  Guh.  I can’t stand the thought of it.
Don’t do things that can get you (or anyone else) pregnant if you aren’t in a steadfast, committed relationship with a sane, consenting adult.  Be sure about that sane and consenting part, because babies have a way of turning the best people into melted down wax versions of themselves.   There are plenty of other ways to get your rocks off.
Advice, Chef Lane, etiquette, Friends of Mine

Whine Dining


My guest blog about dining out with children is up on JulieAnneRhodes.com.  If you are wondering what gift to get the aspiring chef in your life, I would highly recommend a membership to Julie Anne’s site.  Check her out!

Julie Anne’s blog is always a delight.  She shares her world travels and culinary finds, as well as anecdotes from her time as a top model and rock wife.  I like her current Personal Chef incarnation best because that’s where all the recipes, tips and tricks come from.

Advice

“Lane is not living up to her fullest potential…”


Jezebel’s site redesign makes it impossible to link to a particular story now, or at least makes it harder than I care to bother doing. For the background to this blog entry, you can go over to Jezebel and find three stories about teachers doing things to their students ranging from awful to reprehensible. I’ll let you guess which I think is which.

I seriously considered teaching. That is, when I was laid off, I fulfilled a long time dream and entered an alternate certification program, passed the test to certify to teach 4th–8th graders, and substitute taught while I was job hunting. My friend, Linda, and I were in the same certification program, and we were both dismayed at the number of people in the class who should probably never even be 100 yards from a child, much less 5 feet away, and in charge of molding their brains.

I know women and men who are wonderful teachers, like Deborah, one of our early WWK profilees. There were fantastic teachers in my education. Mrs. Farr in AP English my senior year, Dr. Chaisson, who taught me Classics for several semesters, Mrs. Barnes, my Kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Mendina, the World History teacher in 10th grade, who quite truly saved me from taking a very wrong turn. These were teachers who cared about their students as human beings, cared about their subjects as art forms, and understood that at least half of their jobs had to do with taking largely unformed lumps of student clay and teaching them to behave.

I am always surprised when teachers are surprised that children act like animals. I think they must not ever have met any children. I am also surprised when teachers are surprised that teenagers are rotten to their hormone driven little cores. We’ve all been teenagers. We’ve all been rotten. Some of you were likely a much sweeter version of rotten than I, but it is unavoidable. Kids are hard, hard work.

I said teenagers have cores. I’m not sure I mean that. My mental picture of students has a lot to do with external energy coming from a hollow that houses a red hot gas–like a star–like the sun. These children are full of power, energy, vitality, and are in a constant flux of molten particles. The only thing solid about them is their skin.

What teachers do is introduce cooling, solidifying elements into those gases, and eventually, enough elements are introduced that a core starts to form. By the time a child reaches his senior year, there should be enough of that core to produce some rational, reasonable sensibility–enough to propel him forward to higher learning (be it at the university level, or on the job training.) Children who are not introduced to enough elements never learn to reason, think for themselves, or produce for themselves.

See, not every child has a good parent, but every child in the US has at least twelve government-sanctioned years of opportunity to meet a good teacher (assuming their parents get them to school.) And one good teacher can provide the tools to overcome a lifetime of awful parenting.

Obviously, I did not become a teacher. Why not? The biggest reason is that the market is so competitive here, I had three school districts tell me they wouldn’t even look at me with an alternative certification, and I do not have the time or money to go back and get another BA. Secondarily, working as a sub it became clear quickly that I did not have the energy to do a good job at school, and then go home and do a good job as Thor’s mother. I could either give those kids what they needed, or give my kid what he needed. Sorry, Future Generations, Thor won out. But who knows what I’ll do in ten years?

I get angry when I see that teachers are mocking their students. I get angry when I see that teachers are writing off their students. I get angry when I see teachers who feel like humiliation and abuse are good teaching tools. And, I am heartbroken for the students who have to sit in those classes.

I’ve had good teachers, and I’ve had bad. I know what it is like to be made fun of by a teacher, be told that I would never amount to anything, and I have been in a classroom where peers had body parts taped to desks. I can tell you that I don’t remember anything of value from those women and men. What I remember is the abuse.

But from the teachers who accepted me as I was–a hollow little ball of hot gas–I learned amazing things, and I developed self-confidence, and learned to reason, and became solid enough that eventually I realized my value and my ability were not lessened or determined by the miserable, bitter teachers who had tried to convince me I was nothing. Still, who knows where I would be today if I hadn’t been subject to Mrs. S, Mrs. P, Coach H or Dr. M?

Teaching is a selfless job. Or, it should be. It is thankless for sure. It is hard, hard work. I feel about it like I feel about religious vocations: If you can think of anything else you might rather be, go be that other thing.

If you are a teacher, thank you for taking on the hard job. As a former student, I would ask you to do me this one favor. Before you interact with your class (or share information about your students), imagine it is you. How would you feel hearing those words, seeing that facial expression, reading those comments? If you would feel anything less than appreciated as a human being, please think again.

Advice, Explaining the Strange Behavior, Good Housekeeping

Nice Work if You Can Get it


Neither B, nor I are good housekeepers. We’re both a little forgetful, and we both suffer from some tunnel vision, so we don’t always remember that there is a mess we aren’t seeing. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.

Since we’ve been in the new place, we’ve done very, very well (I have even continued to make the beds daily!) Laundry has taken over a bit, and so have my shoes, but I intend to get that sorted out today. But something else that has helped me is having gotten help. Since we’ve been here, I’ve managed to squirrel away enough every month (just about $80), to bring Molly Maids in once a month. B and I keep the big stuff in check, and they come in and do all the things that never occur to me–like baseboards and dusting. I love them. I have never met the ladies who clean my townhouse, but I love them like family.

We had also been dealing with a lot of stress about getting our house in shape to sell. Not only are we not good housekeepers, but we are not good at moving. Ha! Given that we moved from a packed out 1700 square foot home, into a 1001 square foot townhouse apartment, it meant getting rid of about 900 square feet of stuff. What to do???

We knew we were going to rent a dumpster (and thank you tacky neighbors for taking the open top dumpster we paid for as an invitation to throw away your old mattresses, meaning that we are dangerously close to overfull–please do not pile on top of it), but between each one of us rotating sick weekends, and both of us working full time, we couldn’t figure out when we would get it done. So, we hired temps.

They cleared everything in under 2 hours and did a fantastic job! We do have to pay for a minimum of 4 hours, but that’s still cheaper than the extra month of mortgage we’d be paying if it took us another 2 weeks before we could get started on it personally. It’s cheaper than a week of mortgage, actually. The dumpster cost more than the hired labor.

Not really sure what my point is other than this: If you can’t do it yourself, chances are, you can hire someone to do it for you. And if you are in a position to do so, I think it is worth the money. It also helps stimulate the economy and create work for people who might desperately need it.

So you see? My inability to clean up after myself is helping us come out of the recession! I am a recession buster!

And now I am going to go take a shower, because I spent 2 hours cleaning out the refrigerator/freezer that was accidentally turned off for a week. Full of food. It smelled like we had been storing heads in there! Thank God for Lysol.