Category: A Day in the Life

A Day in the Life

Get That Camera Out of my Face

the outside lane

A few years ago, I took an exotic dance class.  It was a fantastic workout, a lot of fun, and forced me to take some long, hard looks at myself both figuratively, and literally in the dance class mirrors.  The instructor was a former ballerina, who, when she had grown to hate the dancing she had always loved, had taken an exotic dance class to try to rekindle her romance with movement.  She was a great teacher and I wish I could remember her name.  I’d hook you up with the recommendation.

One of the things I liked about the class was feeling safe that no one was going to laugh at me if I stumbled, couldn’t keep up, or was twice the size of the cutest girl there.  So many people stay out of the gym, or out of the fitness world in general because they don’t feel like they can work out, stretch, or move their bodies outside of judgment and/or ridicule.  It’s hard enough to go to a class by yourself, much less go to a class knowing you are going to be at a pre-beginner level, much less knowing you’re going to be the fat one.  A good instructor, a good gym provides more than just a class or a treadmill: they provide security.

I got invited to a special dance class that was to be a buffet of styles.  There was to be some exotic dance, some belly dance, and some Zumba.  I am graceless, a beginner, and absolutely not thin, but I was in!  I remembered how much I enjoyed my old class and hoped it would be something like that.

We got off to a good start.  I was having a blast doing the chair routine along with the instructor*.  He was positive, entertaining, and encouraging, and he had the perfect playlist going.  I was stepping, and rolling, and shaking, and spreading, and shimmying, and swinging my hair, and laughing out loud with my friend because I was having so much fun.  Then, it all came to a screeching halt for me.

First, I realized I was getting slinky to a Justin Bieber song** and wondered if that was illegal.  That shook me out of my choreography chasing haze long enough to realize that two women (the owner of the studio, and a participant) had taken out their iPhones and were starting to video the class in motion.  And I stopped in my tracks.  “Oh, no thank you,” I said loudly.  “I do not want to be on video.”

The owner laughed at me.  I crossed the floor to the only space (right in front of the door) where I could continue to participate without ending up either in frame, or in frame with my reflection in the walls of mirrors.  She criss-crossed me and started to video again from the other side of the room, where I would be clearly in frame.  I said, loudly again, “I do not want to be on your video,” and I hustled back across the room into the corner behind the big fan, where I stayed until I could escape without showing up on some YouTube channel somewhere.  I was livid.

On my way out, I stopped to tell the owner why I was leaving.  She could not have cared less.

When I got in my car, I asked myself why I was upset.  Was I insecure and upset because I was worried someone might think I looked bad?  I think you’ve seen enough pictures of me to know the answer to that.  Was I really just angry that it was unprofessional and bad form to video without permission?  Well, yes, I was angry about that, but there was more.  I was angry that my security had been breached***.  I had trusted this studio owner to provide me with a safe place to be a sweaty, stumbling, blob in yoga pants, working her hardest to build and burn, and she had betrayed my trust with an iPhone.

I wish I’d had the time to suss that out before I made my declaration that she was unprofessional, rude, and had ruined my enjoyment because maybe that would have given her a reason to care.  Maybe not.  All I know is she lost a customer because I was having so much fun, I was absolutely planning to go back.  Now?  She can kiss my laser-cat-butt**** because we are never, ever getting back together.

*I will try to get his name for you because that’s another recommendation I’d like to give you.

**I am disgusted with myself at how much I liked that song.  I blame the producers.

***Also, I worked in the entertainment industry long enough that I understand the importance of a release form.  You don’t get me on camera without a release that tells me exactly what you plan to do with my image.

****This was my favorite move in the ballerina’s exotic dance class.  You do this thing where you bend at the waist, sliding your hand from the tops of your thighs to your knees, then you move your hips in a circle.  She taught us that we should think of how a cat looks with its tail held high, and try to get that going with our backsides.  Then, we were to imagine we had a laser squeezed between our cheeks, and we were cutting a circle out of the wall behind us. Laser Cat Butt was my loving name for the move.  Try it at home.  The backs of your thighs will think you’ve gone mad.

A Day in the Life, tutorial

Gift Wrap/Bow Tutorial: Wrap It Up!

the outside lane

Every year I say to myself, “This is the year I learn to wrap gifts nicely.”  And every year I end up frustrated, just wrapping tape around paper, or throwing things into gift bags.  But this year, I did it!  I wrapped all but one gift nicely, and I disguised the ugly gift with a nice bow.  That’s the other thing I taught myself to make this year.  Nice bows.  Keep reading and I’ll show you what I did.

We wish you a merry Christmas!
We wish you a merry Christmas!

I have been told that the best gift wrapping is one piece of paper, and three pieces of tape.  Let’s see how I did.

I started with one of Thor's presents. A book seemed an easy starting place.
I started with one of Thor’s presents. A book seemed an easy starting place.
I measured my paper so that I could fold the sides over and cover the book. Oh--put your item face down so your paper seams end up on the backside of it.
I measured my paper so that I could fold the sides over and cover the book. Oh–put your item face down so your paper seams end up on the backside of it.
Close the sides of the paper like a double door, and put one piece of tape in the middle to secure it.
Close the sides of the paper like a double door, and put one piece of tape in the middle to secure it.
Next, use your thumb to tuck in the center pieces of the outside edges of the wrapping paper. There is Monsieur le Snowhomme sneaking into the photo on my thumbnail.
Next, use your thumb to tuck in the center pieces of the outside edges of the wrapping paper. There is Monsieur le Snowhomme sneaking into the photo on my thumbnail.
When you have poked in the edges on either side, use your fingers to make seams in the paper so that you have angled edges.
When you have poked in the edges on either side, use your fingers to make seams in the paper so that you have angled edges.
Then, press one edge down over the side of the item/package, rubbing seams in so that there is a snug fit.
Then, press one edge down over the side of the item/package, rubbing seams in so that there is a snug fit.
Pull the paper up over the back side of the item/package like you are sealing an envelope and use a piece of tape to hold it in place.
Pull the paper up over the back side of the item/package like you are sealing an envelope and use a piece of tape to hold it in place.
Do the same thing on the other side and add it to the present pile!
Do the same thing on the other side and add it to the present pile!
My next trial was to wrap up a plush Bilbo Baggins with The Hobbit.
My next trial was to wrap up a plush Bilbo Baggins with The Hobbit.
I tucked Bilbo's sword, Sting, under him, and bound him to the book with a wide strip of ribbon. I explained that it was for the good of the Shire.
I tucked Bilbo’s sword, Sting, under him, and bound him to the book with a wide strip of ribbon. I explained that it was for the good of the Shire.
Then, it was face down onto the paper for our favorite Middle Earthling.
Then, it was face down onto the paper for our favorite Middle Earthling.
Following the instructions from before, I ended up with a squashy, ugly gift. I needed a way to hide the worst of it.
Following the instructions from before, I ended up with a squashy, ugly gift. I needed a way to hide the worst of it.

I watched several YouTube video tutorials on how to make bows, and they were all great.  Following is the gist of them.

You get your ribbon, and double wired is the best kind to use.
You get your ribbon, and double wired is the best kind to use.
Decide how wide you want to go, and make your first fold. Your next fold will be just about twice as long. I tried to capture a photo showing both my first and second folds. Keep folding.
Decide how wide you want to go, and make your first fold. Your next fold will be just about twice as long. I tried to capture a photo showing both my first and second folds. Keep folding.
You will want your last fold to be about the same length as your first fold was, so just a little over half of the full length. See?
You will want your last fold to be about the same length as your first fold was, so just a little over half of the full length. See?
Use your scissor to make slits on either side of the ribbon.
Use your scissor to make slits on either side of the ribbon.

 

If you fold down the sides of one half, your ribbon should look like this.
If you fold down the sides of one half, your ribbon should look like this.
Grab another length of ribbon and tie it so that your knot is right in the middle--that's what your scissor slits were for.
Grab another length of ribbon and tie it so that your knot is right in the middle–that’s what your scissor slits were for.
Then, start peeling back the petals of your ribbon and fluffing them up.
Then, start peeling back the petals of your ribbon and fluffing them up.
Peel and fluff until you are satisfied!
Peel and fluff until you are satisfied!

That is actually the VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS BOW I’ve ever made.  If I can do that on the first try, imagine what you can do!  I used that bow to cover the ugliest part of the Bilbo present.

I decided to make a Gift Guide for my present openers. Using scraps from my wrapping paper, I cut out little squares and taped them to a stocking cut-out. I wrote the names of the people whose gifts were wrapped in that paper next to each scrap. The more in your family, the merrier this will make you when it is time to open the gifts.
I decided to make a Gift Guide for my present openers. Using scraps from my wrapping paper, I cut out little squares and taped them to a stocking cut-out. I wrote the names of the people whose gifts were wrapped in that paper next to each scrap. The more in your family, the merrier this will make you when it is time to open the gifts.
Now, it will be easy to identify which gift belongs to whom--especially since I have a tendency to forget.
Now, it will be easy to identify which gift belongs to whom–especially since I have a tendency to forget.

 

 

I'd also like to take a moment to remind you that there are children who might not have anything on Christmas morning, if not for your generosity. I had the fortune of being the shopper for gifts purchased for a family, by my office. With several of us sharing together, I think these little girls will have a happy Christmas morning--at least it won't be sad! The clerk who cashed out my stocking and hat purchase said that her store had adopted a Women's Shelter for Christmas. There are hundreds of ways to help. I encourage you to find the way that makes you happiest.
I’d also like to take a moment to remind you that there are children who might not have anything on Christmas morning, if not for your generosity. I had the fortune of being the shopper for gifts purchased for a family, by my office. With several of us sharing together, I think these little girls will have a happy Christmas morning–at least it won’t be sad! The clerk who cashed out my stocking and hat purchase said that her store had adopted a Women’s Shelter for Christmas. There are hundreds of ways to help. I encourage you to find the way that makes you happiest.  (I was excited to shop for a girl!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Day in the Life, Beauty, Explaining the Strange Behavior, Family, Friends of Mine

It Girl

the outside lane

I can’t sleep.  Part of it is the snoring that was coming from beside me, and part of it was the coughing coming from the other room, and part of it was good old fashioned insomnia.  I tried to entertain myself with fantasies of being on the X Factor.  I can usually tell myself stories to sleep–generally, I would zonk out halfway through my audition fantasy, but tonight I made it all the way up to my Top 3 song choice before giving up and getting out of bed.  By the way, my Top 3 consisted of a really hot girl who sang like Whitney Houston, and a cutie patootie boy band.  I was eliminated in that round, but not before Simon Cowell said I was his favorite contestant ever, and had a hissy fit that I’d been voted out.

So, I looked down tonight, after I’d gotten into my pajamas, and I thought, “Good lord!  My boobs used to be a lot higher!  When did they fall down there?!”  You would think that having read and/or listened to so many women talk about the changes time and gravity bring, I would have internalized some expectation of it.  Not so.  Time and Gravity continue to be startling shocks to my system.  I know where things were.  I know where I think things should still be.  Joke’s on me.  They ain’t there no more.

Lately, I am coming to realize I need reading glasses, too.  My optometrist has been telling me this was coming.  The past few eye exams, the doctor has said something like, “After 40, vision changes rapidly, and you may find yourself needing reading glasses.”  I guess I thought I was special, or impervious, but the other day a client loaned me her readers “just to see” and it was like–  Well, it was like I need reading glasses.  I’ll have to find a chic pair so that my transformation into Little Old Lady isn’t quite so sudden.

I’m not complaining about aging.  I am enjoying my age.  I wouldn’t turn back time at all.  I like where I am, who I am, and who I have around me.  The little niggling changes are all worth the exchange.  I don’t like the wrinkles, but I really don’t mind the wrinkles either.  Some of the people I love most in the world have a whole lot of them, and it doesn’t change how I feel for them one bit.  The people who love me feel the same way.

Isn’t that lucky?  I think it is.  I feel very fortunate to be surrounded by, and loved by people who see past my flaws.

I feel about bodies, the way I feel about houses.  Curb appeal only really matters if a) you intend to sit outside in your front yard a lot, or b) you’re trying to make a sale.  Of course you want your exterior to be in good shape, and as attractive as is feasible to maintain because the health of the exterior is what protects the health of your interior, but it’s what you find past the front door that makes a house a home.  How comfortable are you inside?  How good does it feel to just kick back and relax?  How happy are you when it’s just you and the clock ticking?

I’m pretty happy.  Happy enough to get myself through to the Top 3 on X Factor!

It's been a few years since I've hit the stage, but I still plan performances.
It’s been a few years since I’ve hit the stage, but I still plan performances.

 

 

A Day in the Life, Thor

Baby Names and Poor Babies

the outside lane

I had a funny conversation with a lady yesterday.  She had written down her daughter’s name, which was very long and spelled creatively, and I asked how it was pronounced.  It was really a pretty name, and I said so.  She rolled her eyes and said, “I hate it.  I didn’t give it to her.”  So I asked who had. 

She said, “My mother, my sister, and my aunt.  I was knocked out, and when I came to, they had named my baby.  They gave her that first name and four more.  She got five names, and I was so mad!”

Maybe that’s what happened to Uma Thurman’s most recent baby.

I’d have been mad, too!  You do all that work to grow that baby, and then you do all that work to get that baby out, and you don’t even get a say in what to name it?  No thank you.

But, I think I’ve hit upon why second time parents (and third, and fourth, and more) are more lenient with all the children after the first. 

 

That’s Sandra Bullock taking her son home from a playdate.  He clearly doesn’t want to leave, but it doesn’t look (from the other photos, at which I stared for way too long making myself a horrible hypocrite about the paparazzi because that baby is just the most darling thing ever) like he’s throwing a fit.  He’s just sad to be leaving. 

I looked at that little face and it reminded me so much of Thor, and it reminded me so much of how sad he used to be when we would leave the park.  All chub and sweetness, suddenly so sad because he had no concept of time, and leaving the playground meant leaving!the!playground!forever! in his vernacular.  He was never horrible about it, but he would be so sad.

In that instant, earlier today, I wanted to go back in time and let Thor play for just a little longer.  And I wanted to squeeze his fat, little legs, and I wanted to kiss his little pink cheeks and love on his squishy little baby body, and I was telling my past self, “You let that baby stay out there and play!  It isn’t going to kill you to let that baby play ten more minutes!”

I imagine if I had a chance to do it all over again, I would know more of what to sweat, and what to swat aside.  That’s why only children and first children have it the hardest.  Because their parents have no idea how anything works, and they err to the side of caution.  At least, that is true of me.

But my goodness, I can’t wait to get home to my boy tonight, and tickle his long, skinny legs, and kiss his sweaty face, and hug his bony body.